The Hillcrest Cyclone

Live from Providence, RI

2009-09-18T10:43:00.006-05:00

Hey kids, your friendly neighborhood Cyclone co-founder here. It's been a while since I last posted, and I just thought I'd check in to see how everyone was doing. ~~And also post because so far the new EICs suck at updating.~~

You're probably wondering what college life is like, or what the Ivy League is like, or if I've seen Emma Watson. To clear this up, college is awesome, Brown is like the adopted half-cousin of the Ivy League, and I cannot comment at this time on any relationship I may or may not have with Ms. Watson due to legal issues and the like. So let's just avoid those questions for a while, okay?

To all the guys out there: seriously, come to college. Somehow the girls all look great but the guys are all antisocial nerds, or at least 85% of them are, so there's not much competition. (I think the majority of the school interviewers were male.) To the girls: sorry, but at least you live longer than we do! Yayyyy!

Let's get down to business, though, and set aside all this silly talk of the nirvana-like juncture that is college, where there are no parents, no principals, no one pretending that the Pink Panthers are anywhere near equal to the Superfans... yeah, sorry, just in my happy place right now, I guess. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you. Yes, you. Not you, Philip. Sorry.

I have to say that I was impressed with the debut issue of the Hurricane. To Valerie and Wilma: good job. To Valirie: sorry I misspelled your name in the last sentence. To Patrick: thank you for not writing another inspirational sports story (I liked your article). To whoever wrote the editorial on the class of 2010 sucking bigtime: nicely played!!!!!

But the fact that the Hurricane is coming on strong means that the Cyclone (are blogs supposed to be italicized?) needs to raise its game. I'm not going to lie, when we came into the blogosphere, we scared the newspaper staffers. They responded. ~~This means war.~~ It's time to get back on the ball and bring HHS its news. We can't depend on the Hurricane making mistakes now that they finally got rid of that lazy Davenport kid. (Just kidding, Jenny!!!! But really.)

I'm going to leave you with a quote, since I have to go dayparty. Have fun and be safe, children.

Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

Bacon is good for me!

2009-09-07T20:37:00.005-05:00

Although us editors took this three day weekend off and enjoyed it, we didn't want to leave you with nothing.

Image of the Day

2009-09-03T15:21:00.003-05:00

What? Word has gotten to me about this no athletic shorts matter. Somewhere Jeff Wilke cringes in the dark.

Let this be the start of La Resistánce.

You can't teach old dogs new tricks.

2009-08-31T20:34:00.040-05:00

One man, one destiny, one world. He has ventured up mountains high, across rivers wide, through valleys deep. Just to fulfill one divine decree. He did these things in order to report the news, the wrong way. The Cyclone is proud to introduce the one and only, Sam Williams.

Lets face it, adults in general just aren't cool. Any kind; teachers, parents, you name it. But recently they have been attempting to change that reputation. It is a very drastic approach, and no matter how hard they try kids are impervious to their scandals. These desperate measures of incomprehensible madness includes sagging their pants up to their chest and all the way down to belly buttons. Making their own complex handshakes (and forgetting them halfway through) and picking up on street talk. "Yo dawg we uber pwned that kid with that referral!" Although they think that they are winning, students are saying that these ridiculous attempts of trying to be hip have been getting out of hand.

"Parents have just been uncool for too long to start becoming cool now. It's completely impossible for them to pull this off. They just dont have the fashion sense." said cool history aficionado Ryland Portele.

After hearing this fatal prediction, I decided Freshman dont know what they are talking about. And so, completely wiping her comment from my memory, I went to the Cyclone's number one anonymous teacher to ask his opinion. "I honestly don't see how we [adults] aren't cool yet. We grafitti school property, steal cars, and shoot bank tellers in their hands. We even let kids come in with no homework, sometimes. That has to be cool somehow."

Despite the teacher's attempt of making themselves feel better about getting older, I have a strange feeling it is all for nothing. I think John Lennon said it best in his song Imagine. "Imagine all the old people, being really cool". Yes John, imagine that strange alternative for all of us, so we never have to.

Teacher Formally known as Mr. Wright

2009-08-31T16:49:00.015-05:00

As we all know Mr. James Wright left Hillcrest after this past semester. But does anyone know the actual reason behind this? A message from Wright has surfaced and it is our duty to report.

Ladies and Gents, the Cyclone is back.

"I don't have much time to talk, I have been dodging them for weeks now but every day they get closer and closer to finding me. I am so scared of what they might do if they catch me (sniff, sniff). I have heard rumors and horror stories that short Italian men with chest hair exploding from their white tank tops tie you in a chair and shout, “Howz you doing, eh howz you doing” over and over again until their thick Yankee accents break you down. When I come back, IF I make it back to Dallas wearing New York Yankees and Giants gear, you will know I was broken. But for now, I will try to be strong and tell the world why I am here. Someone has to keep the message alive.

As many of you know, I have left the concrete jungle of Dallas for the booming metropolis of Brookfield, Connecticut. But what most of you don't know, is that I was ordered here by the Hillcrest Administration during the reign of Marty Crawford. (Laughing to myself), I remember the day he recruited me for this assignment like it was yesterday. The sun was shining, someone was smoking out in the bathroom, and students were eating in my room and leaving their trash on the desks when Principal Crawford (he wasn't a Dr. yet) threw open the door and said “Mr Wright, I need you in my office..now”. Being a diligent follower of all DISD policies I went into his office immediately...only to be horrified at what I saw. In his office was a message, written in Columbia blue and Cardinal red, was one name....Thomas Jefferson!!! Marty turned, faced me, and with a determined glare said, “This [expletive] ends today! I don't know who these Founding Fathers are, but so help me Lord Almighty we will track them down and bust this gang up. Mr. Wright, I am putting you in charge of this. I want the Founding Fathers found, and eliminated”. I knew he was serious, I read the student code of conduct policy on gangs...ZERO TOLERANCE! Oh man I wanted the Founding Fathers to pay, I mean to deface school property that like, GOD have they no soul? How could they not care about Hillcrest and Panther Pride? But I swallowed my anger and used it to fuel my determination, to bring these powdered headed, wooden teethed Yankees to justice.

But it was difficult to get started, the only solid Intel we had was that the headquarters of these Founding Fathers (or F^2 as I call them) were located somewhere on the east coast. I needed our own set of spies to track them down. What I did next, is unforgivable and I apologize, now, as I let my zeal blind me to what I was doing. I would give the whole world, the whole freaking world to take back what we did. I just cant live with this guilt any longer and must get the truth out into the open. I needed spies, so I bribed student after student into Ivy League and East Coast Schools. There were so many students and the bribes were so expensive that it collapsed the DISD budget which in turn brought America's economic recession. I was just so determined to get our spies in everywhere that I didn't even think about the future DISD generations. I wish my admission of guilt ended there, but it doesn't, oh no, its far from over."

Wright's message abruptly ended here. When more data comes to light the Cyclone will be sure to report it to the world.

The Eyes of Missouri Are Upon You

2009-08-31T01:22:00.005-05:00

And they can't help but be in awe.

Jesus guys, it's the first week of school. Let's calm down a bit.

The Dallas Morning News Is Skeptical of This Whole "Facts" Business

2009-06-09T02:16:00.006-05:00

In a stunning turn of events, the Dallas Morning News DISD blog made an updated post on the Michael Hinojosa (the Younger) soul-eating scandal, this time with statistics and actual facts.

Although the DMN is allergic to apologies, the post was much appreciated, especially since News 8 is apparently all over our [expletive] now. As an added bonus, Allen Gwinn from dallas.org promised more to come on the ASP story in the comments of the DISD blog entry, which means we'd probably best get back to work preparing our witty and gleefully irreverent retorts for the inevitable storm of manufactured controversy that is brewing.

Back to bed, children.

Dallas Morning News Special Report

2009-06-06T17:51:00.008-05:00

The Hillcrest Cyclone is excited to announce that we've gained the rights to a special sneak peek of an article that will be run in tomorrow's Dallas Morning News, as a follow-up to today's groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism covering Hillcrest's ASP program.

Enjoy.

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HILLCREST HIGH SCHOOL: A BOILING CESSPOOL OF CORRUPTION IN A LARGER CESSPOOL OF NEPOTISM AND EVILNESS
A special feature by DMN reporter Rita Skeeter.

Hillcrest High School. A quaint, homely building on Hillcrest road - not particularly alluring, but not particularly repelling, either. Sure, the senior parking spaces could use repainting, and maybe the grass occasionally could use a mow, but it looks like a nice place to go to high school, make some friends, and get a great education.

This humble exterior is just a façade, a misdirection to hide the extreme source of evil within Hillcrest’s halls.

My colleague Ms. Stahl has already documented the nepotistic controversy at Hillcrest that is indicative of an underlying dark force surrounding HHS. Being the fine investigative reporter that I am, though, I decided to take a second look into Hillcrest and see what was really going on there.

First I met with Michael Martinez, director of operations for ASP, the service that the superintendent’s son allegedly – nay, I say, DEFINITELY AND KNOWINGLY – abused.

“Oh, that’s actually no big deal,” said a laughing Martinez when I spoke to him. “Part of what makes ASP great is the fact that we’ve got first-generation kids sitting next to kids from experienced college families, since we’ve seen in our work that having those latter kids as an example and those parents as a resource helps the program be more efficient. So really we were… hey, why are you writing down that I ‘confessed to killing numerous women and children to guarantee the superintendent’s son’s entry into the program?’ Hey, stop it! I didn’t say that!”

It became obvious that Mr. Martinez was a pathological liar/serial killer by his own admission and that he had nothing of value to say, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Like Anne Coulter exposing the moral decrepitude of anyone who isn’t Christian in her factually accurate and unbiased books and columns, or like the commenters on a Dallas Morning News blog whose comments get turned into stories on the front page of the Metro section a month later, I decided not to settle for the truth. I needed something more.

What I got, though, was something I never could have expected.

“The ASP controversy is just a ruse,” said my source within Hillcrest, who asked that he/she not be named. “This is a distraction for the news outlets, to draw them away from the big picture… how Michael Hinojosa (II) became valedictorian.”

I perked up, since all Dallas news reporters are trained to keep an ear out for any negative comments about DISD or the superintendent.

It turns out, according to my source – who, by the way, is extremely reliable, and has played Seeker on the Slytherin House Quidditch Team at ~~Hogwarts~~ Hillcrest for the last five years – that Mikey Jr actually gained his intelligence not by invading ASP and insisting that the program allocate all resources to him and him alone, but that he used some much more sinister means.

“Have you ever seen Heroes? It’s kind of like Sylar,” said my source, smoothing back his platinum blond hair. “The truth is, Michael Hinojosa isn’t very smart naturally. He gained his intelligence by eating the souls of his fellow students.”

I smiled devilishly, immediately knowing that this was why Harvard had admitted him, not because he had great test scores or extracurriculars or essays or a proven track record of leadership! Everyone knows that Harvard is a soul-crushing university. Their new student just took that tradition to a new extreme.

Predictably, this led to backlash on the Dallas Morning News DISD blog.

“What I want to know is whether DISD allocated any of these souls to schools other than Hillcrest,” said one commenter. “The kids at Samuell could really use some of these extra souls that Hinojosa’s been eating. Classic DISD elitism.”

“I don’t care about the souls,” said a commenter named, ‘Touch My Magnet School and I Will Kill You and Pillage Your House.’ “I just want to make sure that DISD isn’t taking any money from magnet schools to feed the superintendent’s son’s fetish, because if they do, all I can say is that us magnet parents are going to start blogging a lot about DISD, and it’s not going to be very nice! Take money from North Dallas and Woodrow – who cares about regular kids anyway?”

I hear you, bloggers, parents, countrymen. I hear you. That’s why the Dallas Morning News has been reporting on this riveting information ever since Hinojosa got here. (And Moses. And so on and so on and so on.) Obviously, this shocking piece of news means that Jack Lowe should immediately step down, because I cannot think of anyone who is more responsible for this tragedy than him. Yes, let’s get rid of him. Wait, he’s not board president any more? Who is? Medrano? Okay, let’s get rid of him!

“This is sickening,” said another commenter named "Big Bird" on the message boards. “This is the final straw. I call for a full-scale investigation of Michael Hinojosa the Younger. How do we even know he graduated? I heard that he never even went to class and that he actually went to Jesuit but was put on Hillcrest enrollment as a political move. This is just sickening.”

It’s been a tough couple of months here at the News, as many of you know. Carla Ranger, the nominee we backed for DISD board president, didn’t make it, but on the bright side we’re still, in our role as an objective news source, pushing her to be named Defender of Justice, Harbinger of Truth, and Only Board Member We Like for the 2009-2010 school year. That coupled with Lord Medrano’s hostile coup and deadly takeover of the Board, plus this ASP/soul-eating business, has just pushed this senior reporter down in the dumps.

But then my fellow reporters pick me up and I realize how wonderful life is. Just look at the hard work our staff is doing. I’m particularly excited about the new feature we’ve debuted called “Hinny-Watch,” where we follow the superintendent’s son around as he does his daily business and make snide comments about his dad’s haircut. Good job so far, Lori!

When it comes down to it, what’s great about this newspaper is that, like in life, we have a choice. We have the choice to report on something substantive; to report from both sides of an issue; to give the readers maybe not what they want to hear but what they need to hear, not what sells papers but what makes them useful – or we can spend our time lambasting authority figures and trying to criticize eighteen-year-old kids (who never asked to be in the spotlight) on the front page of our newspaper. And I’m proud to say that we’ve modernized, that we’ve moved past outdated 20^th century concepts such as “truth” or “objectivity” or “reasonable amount of respect” and moved on to the new age of journalism, when posts are designed to gain comments bashing people who are honestly trying to make a difference.

Because that’s what life is about. Life is about having your hopes constantly crushed and eventually coming to realize that everything that seems good is bad and that nothing gold can stay. And that gossip is wayyyyyyyyy more fun to write about than actual news.

Signing off for the DMN, I’m Rita Skeeter. Keep your eyes open, readers: I heard from a school blog that DISD also sponsors al-Qaeda through an individual known on Mohammed Talib! More on that in the coming days.

The Cyclone sincerely thanks Ms. Skeeter for her piece, and wishes to publicly agree with her on the dangers of Mohammed Talib.

The Pen > The Sword

2009-06-06T17:21:00.003-05:00

Ok, the Hillcrest letters-to-the-editor varsity squad has been flexing it's hand muscles lately, in light of today's events. Team captains Jeff Wilke and Jenny Davenport are MIA.

To Whom It May Concern:

Lori Stahl’s recent article on the merits of Michael Hinojosa’s inclusion in the Hillcrest High School Academic Success Program (ASP) is disgusting. There are very few institutions left that are free from the scrutiny of media these days, and the list grows smaller as the Internet expands, but one area that has long been viewed as untouchable was recently attacked.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Just so we’re clear, I’ll repeat that one more time.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Let’s clear up a couple things about her article.

One, she failed to adequately characterize the Academic Success Program. Though ASP’s main goal is to help disadvantaged students become first-generation college goers, they go about this by creating a partnership with top students who better understand the importance of college and the work ethic required to get there. The inclusion of students like Michael was a way of furthering the programs goals, not restricting other students from admittance.

It’s no surprise that she fails to fully explain the concepts behind the program because this article isn’t meant to be informative, it’s meant to defame Superintendent Hinojosa.

I am truly appalled that Dallas Morning News allowed this article to run. Not only are there no facts backing Stahl bizarre claim, but the idea of questioning a students worth and abilities in a public forum that can and will be read by most of his peers, family, and future classmates is gut wrenching. I know Michael and there is no one more deserving of a place at Harvard, and suggesting otherwise simply to score some cheap points against his father is horrible.

I don’t know what could possibly ameliorate this situation, but a public apology (similar to the public slander that was this article) would not be out of line.

Thank You

Mattia Flabiano

Hillcrest High School Graduate 2009

That's one by Mattia Flabiano. Next up, me.

Erik Severson does not condone the language used in his letter, unless that is, you have a friend who is publicly slandered by a major newspaper. In that case, shoot for the [explitive]ing moon.

Never Wake a Sleeping Giant, Especially After a Long Friday Night

2009-06-06T13:22:00.002-05:00

The Cyclone declares war on the Dallas Morning News (with exception to Kevin Sherrington, he's the man).

Oh we are not done with you Lori Stahl

A Few Articles for Your Consideration

2009-05-30T22:01:00.005-05:00

Editor's note: Check out the May 28 issue of the Hurricane and look at the bottom lefthand corner of Page 10. Yeah.

Tomorrow shall be epic. Tomorrow will be the first day that Hillcrest will have to go without Jeff Wilke and Erik Severson in four years ~~except for days we skipped~~. On that note, I finally realized, "Holy smoked salmon, I'm going to graduate tomorrow and then it'll just seem kind of pathetic when I stalk the Cyclone," and that I really needed to finish up a few last articles, because you all have been deprived of news for too long to let any good tip these days go to waste.

So, our final few stories from the outgoing seniors, meaning me since Erik is lazy as hell. (Expect something about graduation, especially if Jake streaks.)

MATTIA FLABIANO, OTHERS BLANKED AT HILLCREST SENIOR AWARDS

Recently, Hillcrest hosted its annual senior awards banquet, honoring the hard work of its senior class, plus the mediocre work that mainly was the norm over the last four years at HHS. Awards were extensive, ranging from scholarship offers to specific subject awards to awards for something called "character," which according to one source in the know, "is a term we use to make people feel better about themselves."

Oddsmakers had covered the event, and had Mattia Flabiano and Ross Shwarts as the two-to-one favorites in the Science category, for starters. In fact, Flabiano was a favorite in many categories, but much like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, his many nominations led to naught at the actual ceremony.

"I'm stunned," said a visibly flustered Flabiano after the ceremony. "I just don't understand how Mattia Flabiano got blanked. Mattia Flabiano is the best in the business, see? If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."

According to the reports, Flabiano tried to rush the stage when he failed to receive an award for Outstanding Math student, but Navy SEAL Chase McLean tackled him against the stairs and held him in place until security could be called in to restrain him.

But the surprises weren't done. In perhaps the biggest shocker of the night, Hillcrest heartthrob Ryan Callender lost out in the Best Hair category to dark horse nominee Hugo Calderon.

"I'm surprised," said hair analyst and Hillcrest senior Abraham Juarez, who pulled himself out of contention days before the awards show to rest his hair for the Hair Modeling League Playoffs, beginning June 2nd. "Callender has the long flowing hair that judges tend to like, but Calderon was always the guy who could bring him down. That guy's hair is insane."

Calderon didn't notice he had won, as he was busy with his phone throughout the ceremony, and had to be led onstage by friends and family.

All things said and done, the show went smoothly, as your friendly neighborhood Cyclone founders picked up a couple awards, whether it was a scholarship for Mr. HHS or the Silver Crest award. Voting for Best Earthly Human ended in a tie, with the Cycloners sharing the award with LeBron James, who took a flight down to Dallas in between getting his [expletive] handed to him by the Orlando Magic.

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HUMAN RIGHTS EXPERTS ACCUSE HILLCREST OF SUPPRESSING DEMOCRACY

In a stunning turn yesterday, the UN placed sanctions on Hillcrest High School for, in the words of the UN press release, "suppressing and subverting the democratic process in student-body elections."

Headmaster Ronald Jones denied comment, except to say that, "Hillcrest is seriously looking to these allegations and speaking with the Mock Trial team for legal advice."

Specifically, the UN is concerned about the elections held for StuCo this year - or the lack thereof, more specifically.

"We have evidence that purports that elections weren't even held at Hillcrest High School," said UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon. "Obviously we feel that sanctions are necessary."

The official UN report cites the fact that while elections weren't held, positions were handed out by the StuCo incumbents. In particular, Taylor Hinojosa received a high-ranking position while his brother was StuCo president. Coincidence?

"We were concerned about the Hinojosa regime from the beginning," said ~~a snitch~~ an anonymous source within the Hillcrest halls. "Michael was a by-the-books dictator who operated behind the scenes, which is probably why most people never even knew he was StuCo president. And now he's just handing the reigns over to his brother! Michael Hinojosa is purportedly letting go of power, but everyone thinks that he's just using Taylor as a puppet. That's why I went to the UN about this."

Michael Hinojosa didn't have anything to say about the sanctions, although he did want to warn kids that "snitches get stitches."

The Obama administration was disturbed to the point of holding a press conference over the issue.

"Obviously we're worried about these recent reports and the recent sanctions by the UN, especially considering that we've been stationed inside Hillcrest for the last five years," said President Obama during the press conference, which would explain the fact that Marines have been wandering the halls since Dr. Crawford came to HHS. (People were kind of wondering about that.) "We still maintain our goal of withdrawing from Hillcrest within the next eighteen months, although we obviously need to make sure there's stability within the region. We do feel that progress is being made, although progress is a slow and difficult journey."

Several political commentators have emphasized the seriousness of the situation by the fact that President Obama held a press conference on the issue at a time when North Korea is having nuclear tests and training Super-Saiyans.

"It's a mess," said an anonymous former interim principal at HHS. "But it's Jones's problem now. Let this be a lesson to all you kids: hit it and quit it!"

I Yank the Thang

2009-05-29T18:26:00.005-05:00

As summer approaches, we tend to do bad things. However; everyone control yourself and be smarter than this kid.

"And he smokes with cigarettes"

The Hillcrest Cyclone Has Jumped the Shark

2009-05-24T21:47:00.003-05:00

The recent handover of control of the controversial, bestselling blog the Hillcrest Cyclone from two outgoing seniors to two rising sophomores has caused a flurry of outrage, as blog readers across the world are worried that there could be a dip in Cyclone quality.

"Dip in quality is putting it lightly," said Cyclone ombudsman Drew Vine. "The Cyclone has jumped the shark."

Whether the Cyclone has "jumped the shark" so to speak is a matter of controversy befitting to Hillcrest's edgiest blog. First, historical precedents are helpful to know when judging whether the HC has "jumped the shark."

"There are always changes in shows, books, blogs, etc," said media critic and Hillcrest graduate Ben Gallant. "For instance, Emma totally killed Friends, just like ER never really recovered after Clooney and Edwards left. On the other hand, House appeared to jump the shark with the season four auditions, but ironically enough, the show was rejuvenated by the return of one of the auditioning doctors - Amber - late in the season, and it's been strong ever since. Hey, while I've got you, do you want to hang out later? I'm bored."

The critics have split up in two camps: the pessimists and the optimists, the former opposing the new Cyclone regime and the latter supporting it.

"The new writers just plain suck," said an anonymous critic named "Disappointed," who ~~was too cowardly to use his/her actual name~~ decided to remain anonymous to preserve objectivity. "As a freshman, I was 5.6% funnier than them. You guys should hire me. Wait, no you shouldn't, because I would pee my pants if I ever actually put myself out there to criticism in an effort to have some fun and amuse others."

Those words weren't even the harshest criticism for the new Cyclone editors.

"As an objective outside observer, I can plainly state that Will Look sucks and is a disgrace to the Look family," said Hillcrest alum Rob Look (no relation).

While many of the pessimists are turning tail and fleeing, the optimists are hopeful that the Cyclone will prevail.

"Let's face it, there's some good ideas in there," said media critic and outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano. "James King doing taekwondo during a frisbee game? Funny because it's true! Emily Westbrook speaking in a 'lively' tone? HILARIOUS! It's just the execution. They just need some innings under their belts. And who knows, change may be a good thing - they may even include some nonwhite people in their stories! Hillcrest is only, what, 85% minority?"

Also, others note, the actual quality dropoff has been exaggerated.

"The grammar has been a big issue, but let's face the facts," said future English teacher Jenny Davenport. "Erik doesn't know a run-on sentence from a fragment. They're really not losing much there."

While it's clear the controversy over the changing of the guard will last for a long while, the Cyclone shows no signs of packing up shop and failing to report on the hottest issues at HHS, from poo spills to mace fights to the Cyclone itself. Cyclone co-founder/demigod Erik Severson had some wise words for all of the doubters.

"Look, dude, you're losing a lot with me and Jeff leaving. We're two genui (that's the plural form of 'genius' - I invented it) that haven't graced the halls of Hillcrest since Harriet Miers went here. The new guys are going to have their scratches and bruises, but they're going to be better and funnier people because of it. The Cyclone is more than a funny blog... it's an ideal we can all aspire to, and I was always taught that those ideals survive for eternity, that they keep us going when the going gets tough. And also, Jeff and I have commissioned statues of ourselves to be placed in the front hall, so if you ever miss us you can go check those out and leave roses at our feet. Cool beans, huh?"

-

Full disclosure: early feedback from test audiences indicated that this article was "disappointing" and "stoopid."

Hillcrest Alumni come out strong

2009-05-21T23:19:00.010-05:00

Will Look Reports:

The former Hillcrest Ultimate Team composed of mostly the class of 2007 came back to their alma mater for a “butt whoopin” on some youngsters. Upcoming Junior at the University of Texas Michael Robinowitz was found warming up in his car just before the game. “These suckers won’t even be a piece of cake.”

On the other side, freshman Brett Mayberry couldn’t be at the game due to his intense college schedule, even though he is a freshman in high school. “Even though Zach is number one, I have the advantage here.” He thought the team would be done for without him and Junior Samy Maanani. Samy Maanani reportedly was too tired to play, even though he was found skipping through the field of flowers during halftime.

The game was intense. Blood was spurting everywhere, freshman Derek Poole had to play with a broken ankle, yet he still somehow broke other peoples ankles. James King was seen doing taekwondo on his opponents. Apparently, his art at fighting made people leave the game.

The alumni thought they had the game in the bag at 10 to 7, first to thirteen. Yet Oyedopo made an amazing grab to get the momentum in favor of the students.

The student team later on won thirteen to eleven. After the game, Robinowitz was found beating himself to death as his sisters’ friends had just embarrassed him. “I’ve been training all year for this one game, and now it’s ruined.”

Everyone got out of the game with only a couple of grass marks, a messed up pelvis, and a tweaked ankle. “It was a nice, exciting, clean game,” quoted Wright after the victory.

Cheerleaders get Cheerleaders

2009-05-20T22:00:00.019-05:00

As many of you are already aware, cheerleaders of Hillcrest High School have been bemoaning the fact that they do not get enough respect.

“Cheerleading is just as much of a sport as football!” protested incoming junior cheerleader, Nichole Porras.

The squad met up with new principal and cheerleading activist Mr. Jones to discuss the situation. Mr. Jones, being the loyal cheerleading fan that he is, gave the cheerleaders something we never thought they would get. Effective immediately, the team will have a cheerleading squad of their own to cheer for them during games. When active Ultimate Frisbee team member Ryan Conway heard the news he was furious. “Let me get this straight. Cheerleaders get cheerleaders, but the Frisbee team, who has been asking for them for years, don’t have any!?”

“It makes sense. Like, we cheer for you guys all day! Don’t you think we need some too?” said Emily Westbrook during a lively phone interview earlier today. When approached, each and every member of the squad said the same thing.

The funny thing is, the members of the cheerleader’s cheer squad aren’t students. The 4 person squad consists of Mrs. Alverson and her enthusiastic, but not very coordinated math teaching underlings.

“I’ll make sure that the cheerleaders get the respect they deserve!” shouted Mrs. Alverson while performing a pretty impressive herky.

In a non-related, but developing story understudies from next year’s school musical are demanding they have understudies of their own.

The Cyclone will most likely be on break during the summer, but expect many stories when school comes back around. Don’t say goodbye.

Test One, Test One Two, Check, Check

2009-05-17T22:58:00.004-05:00

As school winds down and the board game Guess Who becomes old, our new editors-in-the-wings shall begin to take flight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present one of the newest editions to The Cyclone, freshman Jesse Degani.

Depression Rampant as School Year Comes to an End
“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair,” outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano stammered uncontrollably.

“I mean what are we going to do all summer without school?” lamented Zoe Bernbaum.

In a remarkable turn of events, students of Hillcrest High School overwhelmed the counselor’s office seeking help for depression caused by the end of the school term. At a school-wide assembly, Ms. McNutt advised students to create informal study groups throughout the summer to help ease the anxiety. Mr. Wright and several other teachers generously offered after school hours so students could brainstorm ideas of ways to fill the void left by the closing of school.

Some of the ideas that have been suggested are:
• Meet up in large rooms for paper bag lunches
• Sit in a desk for 8 hours every day
• Take mock Exams and SAT tests.
• Set alarm for 6:30 a.m. throughout summer

If you seek further help contact our hotline set up by the committee of Students for Year Round School at 1-800- School Forever.

Images of the Day

2009-05-17T22:36:00.006-05:00

Senior Michael Hinojosa (aka Harvardjosa, pictured above) has taken his pride in his class rank to the next level.

Following suit was sophomore Matthew Talley (aka Mohammed Talib, pictured below), who took an alternative route and shaved a "#" into the back of his head, the Talib symbol of destruction.

UPDATE: Talib is known to be a tic-tac-toe enthusiast.

Save the Hurricane, Save the World

2009-05-15T23:46:00.006-05:00

All right, little ones. The Cyclone called on you to raise money for an ad in the Hillcrest Hurricane, and you met the challenge. ~~To be honest, we were shocked.~~ However, a wrench was thrown in that plan recently, as word has leaked out that there won't be a final Hurricane issue, mainly because about no one on the Hurricane staff got their stories in on time.

Needless to say we at the Cyclone were disappointed. While we are no doubt the number one news source in the world, let alone Hillcrest, we thrive off competition. And we're on Hurricane staff, so that's a factor as well. What this means for the First Annual Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-Raiser is unclear, and we're open to feedback from people who donated to our worthy cause.

There are several options: refund the money; use it for another equally awesome purpose; or save the Hurricane issue and thus save our ad.

It's up to you, Cyclone readers. J-Dav, EIC of the Hurricane, is already pretty stretched thin as it is, and we're not sure if the rest of the staff of the Hurricane wants to do another issue, or needs to do another issue. All we're saying is, if you really want to read the Hurricane/see our ad, then go up to your friendly neighborhood Hurricane staff writer and politely ask them, "Staff writer, I would like to inquire as to WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR STORY ON TIME?!! I WANT MY CYCLONE AD!!!" (Note: I [Jeff] didn't have a story this issue, so don't do this to me. Erik, on the other hand...)

The decision is yours.

----

And because I don't think Erik's awake to update after our playoff game, your weekly weekend sendoff, this time striking a little closer to home.

Cyclone to Announce 2009-2010 Editors in Coming Days

2009-05-15T14:00:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes everyone. The Cyclone has decided it shall endure. Early next week the announcement shall be made, so until then, we leave you to guess who. And no my person is not wearing glasses.

Let the Moaning Begin: All Hillcrest AP Tests Invalidated

2009-05-14T22:45:00.003-05:00

After going through the recent AP tests while preparing to send them to College Board, Hillcrest administrators noticed a little snafu that they thought might mess with the grading process for Hillcrest AP exams. Then, after careful consideration, they realized that we are totally [expletive].

"I don't know what happened," Statistics teacher (and AP guru) Mrs. Podhrasky said. "Really, we did everything by the book. But somehow the sheets were mixed up. We handed out the wrong answer sheets. I didn't even know there were different types of answer sheets."

But there were, apparently. Hillcrest administrators handed out a separate answer sheet to students, meant to be used on last year's AP tests. Due to bureacracy and general mean-spiritedness, College Board switched out the answer sheets this year, just to change things up.

"The new answer sheets are much improved, which is why we wanted schools to use them," said a College Board representative. "They ask for your name 23% more often, while misreading test answers 56% more of the time than the old ones did. Also, instead of just a number label, they require an entire fingernail for identification purposes. By overly complicating and confusing the process, we at College Board believe that we will weed out the free loaders - students only taking the test because they're being made to - from the students who want to learn, thanks to our dishonest and illogical new testing scheme."

There were strong reactions from students and faculty at HHS.

"You've got to be kidding me," said senior Ross Shwarts, who had taken 10 AP tests. "How the hell am I going to get credit for an entire year of college now? I was planning on partying freshman year. College Board's mess-up is really disappointing."

Some students didn't particularly seem to care, although that fact itself is rather telling.

"Everyone said I was an idiot for leaving in the middle of the AP English Literature test," said Ben Debus. "Well who's the idiot now? You are. That's who."

On College Board's Facebook group, comments have been diverse from, "w00t go college bord [sic]" to "WHY DID I SIT THROUGH THIS CRAP FOR NO REASON?!!!" to "I don't care, I slept through most of them anyway," to even the disturbing status on Facebook that has become quite popular over the past day: "College Board canceled my AP scores. No college credit. 10 wasted hours. FML."

After receiving news of the College Board answer sheet fiasco, it is reported that administrator Ann McNutt locked herself in her room and refused to come out, although those reports have not been verified.

College Board replied to the school's repeated requests for comment, sending this e-mail to school press:

"What happened at your school was very unfortunate, we agree.

But it was also really funny. You guys just wasted hundreds of dollars and dozens of hours taking meaningless tests!!!! LOL!!11! I bet you feel stupid now, huh?!

Regards,
College Board

Click here if you no longer wish to receive e-mails from College Board. College Board does not hand out e-mail addresses to online solicitors, and e-mail addresses will solely be used for scholarship opportunities and mocking public schools."

Hillcrest Cyclone: As Popular As Congress

2009-05-12T12:54:00.004-05:00

Here at the Cyclone we are, as you all know, political high rollers, as evidenced by our connections to the kingdom of DISD, the administration of Headmaster Shelton, ~~Jeff's mom being in charge of every freaking senior activity and Erik's mom being treasurer for every freaking senior activity~~ and our inside track with both Chairman Asay of the Youth Moral Superiority group and Voldemort. And, of course, our status as the number one subjective news source for all of Hillcrest, although the sports section of the Hurricane comes close on occasion. (Just kidding, Patrick.)

It doesn't hurt that we're rolling in the dough, either. So when Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson and myself were invited to a Democratic party function thanks to the esteemed Friend of the Cyclone Paul Stanley, we figured the Dems were a little strapped for cash and media coverage and could use our help, so we quickly accepted. (Plus it was better than studying for AP Government.)

When we got to the function, we were immediately impressed. This get-together was held at a mansion comparable to Hogwarts, and they had these chocolates that were completely baller. Like the good socialites we schmoozed with Sheriff Lupe Valdez and DA Craig Watkins, just in case we ever do anything illegal ~~and actually get caught this time~~. We also peer pressured Cyclone guest writer Mattia Flabiano into making a college decision, but the real party started with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed up.

When we met her, she pretended like she didn't know us, probably so the other socialites didn't feel jealous of our mad skillz. She was impressed with our college choices - Harvard, Brown, Virginia, Michigan, and in particular, Missouri, which she noted "had good sports." We're assuming she was about to praise Mizzou's academic qualities as well, but someone else went and grabbed her after a group photo and we didn't see her again until she spoke to the group.

So she spoke, and afterward came straight over to us young dudes to talk to us about politics, life, and the like. (This part isn't even a lie!) We pressed her on her views of the Cyclone.

JEFF: So I imagine you could use some good media coverage.
PELOSI: Haha, the media is always very interesting. They've got a difficult job.
ERIK: And some do it better than others. Like us. You've heard of the Hillcrest Cyclone, I assume.
PELOSI: ...perhaps, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.
ERIK: No matter. We're more of an underground news source. However, we're still very successful, if you understand where I'm going.
PELOSI: ...
JEFF: What we're saying is that we've got money. And prestige. We can get you some good coverage, and donate to the party using some PACs and 527s, which we learned about in Government.
ERIK: All we're asking for is a personal endorsement of the Cyclone. We'd like to be congressionally approved.
PELOSI: Um, that's very nice, boys. You're very smart young men, it seems, and Brown is a good school. And Missouri has good sports. Oh, what about you? *points to Michael Hinojosa*
MICHAEL: Nancy Pelosi. My father has told me all about you, of course.

End conversation.

So, as you can tell, it's official: THE HILLCREST CYCLONE IS APPROVED BY CONGRESS.

Which probably isn't saying much at the moment, but suck it, other DISD underground satire blogs! SUCK IT.

---

More Photos of Us Schmoozing

Meet Chris Bayer

2009-05-10T08:30:00.002-05:00

Mattia Flabiano reports.

Since Hillcrest’s introduction as one of the premier Wizarding institutions in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, it has been home to some unique creatures from around the globe.

“The Cyclone has uncovered various mythological beasts throughout the grounds of Hillcrest,” Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson said, “We’ve confirmed the presence of werewolves, babies, Swine Flu, super sayians, reincarnated presidents, and terrorists, all within the walls of HHS.”

But a recent discovery may trump them all.

Since his arrival at Hillcrest High School, students around campus have called the assistant football and baseball coach, Chris Bayer “peculiar”, “emotionless”, and “funny looking.” It wasn’t until the release of the worldwide blockbuster Star Trek, that people began to understand his true nature.

“Yes, I am a Vulcan.” Bayer revealed to the Cyclone ~~after being assured this information would never reach the public.~~

This revelation shocked many students around the school, but not all.

“Of course he’s a Vulcan. I don’t think he’s ever smiled,” notorious trekkie Jessie Degani assured the Cyclone. “Mr. Bayer acts exactly like Commander Spock did in season 1, episode 16, when he had to save a group of stranded...”

(The Cyclone can only stand so much Star Trek talk before we lose the will to keep typing.)

“…is so cool, referencing the crossover episode with TNG that is Spock’s last chronological appearance before the new movie,” Degani finished.

Bayer has always aspired to something greater than ~~grunt~~ assistant work. This is why he has recently submitted an application for the assistant principal’s job at a local high school.

“Of course an assistant coach and an assistant principal are not the same thing,” Bayer replied in a monotone, emotionless voice. "Any other assumption would be... illogical."

Bayer’s disclosure of his non-human origin may put a dent in his resume.

“Father’s not very happy with Coach Bayer,” Michael Hinojosa told the Cyclone in an over-the-phone interview. “He’s reporting him to the school governors and the Ministry of Magic.”

Bayer isn’t too worried about the Minister’s reaction.

“I got a great rec from a friend of mine, Rudy Garza.” Bayer told us. All attempts to find this Rudy Garza have been thus far unsuccessful, leading several sources to suggest that Garza either doesn't exist or is in Azkaban.

The emergence of a new species into Hillcrest High School is surprising news to be sure, but the question remains, what else is out there and how long will it be before they are realized?

Hillcrest: boldly going where no school has gone before.

It's Friday Night/Saturday Morning

2009-05-09T00:30:00.002-05:00

Truly an all time favorite. Hope Friday nights went well, and I hope they are possibly not over yet. In the case that they are, let Saturday treat you well.

Friday the 8th Live Blog

2009-05-08T18:49:00.004-05:00

Today I brought my handy-dandy laptop to school. A run-down of life as a senior.

8:42- I arrive to school. I walk in the doors, and proceed to the metal detector. The “security guard” asks my friend whether she has pepper spray in her bag.

8:50- I stroll into AP English Literature with the hit-list writing Dr. McGaffey. I simply ask her what we are doing today, and she responds: Nothing. My heart flutters. Less than half of the class is here.

8:59- The internets at our school are not working. The fluttering ceases. I begin to watch Step Brothers.

9:37- Absolutely doing nothing. Why are we here.

9:45- First period ends to my delight.

9:50- Second period AP Statistics begins. 7 people are here. Seriously?

10:13- All of statistics has been spent playing Catchphrase. Boys vs. girls, the boys shall conquer all.

10:31- How the hell are we supposed to get antihistamine?

10:40- Second period ends.

10:45- Teacher is absent!

10:58- Mmmm Potbelly…

11:46- Back to school to see the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Baldridge. Once again more than half of the class has failed to show up. Baldridge tells us how much he hates us, and is trying to beat us up.

11:46- He didn’t say or do any of those things, I was kidding.

12:05- I have begun to iChat with Mr. Baldridge, as he sits 10 feet away. Class population= 6.

12:56- The creation of the Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement is almost complete. And that’s how I spent all of 4th period.

1:09- “I want to be the kind of grandpa where I am just kind of like a crazy old man. I want to be the guy who jumps off of the yacht into the water and says, ‘Come on in guys! The water just got a little warmer!’” -Mr. Baldridge

1:15- 4th period ends.

1:20- Newspaper begins. Coincidentally, so does nap time.

1:58- Counting the minutes until school ends. Having a little fun on Urban Dictionary. Notable words: duck butt, Lizzie McGuire, a few others as well

2:10- 5th ends, off to Calculus

2:13- Mrs. Lucy says she does not want to see us after we have taken our AP exam, so I follow her directions.

2:22- Home. Educational day is over.

2:44- Gotten a few good games of FIFA 09 in, and it’s time to head back to school for a little baseball. TGIMFF

2:50- Back to the Crest. What a Friday. Everyone have a magnificent weekend.

Uh Oh, We Talked About the Fight Club

2009-05-08T07:15:00.002-05:00

Back in the day, Hillcrest used to be pretty tame. Sure, there was the occasional evacuation of the school due to multiple fights/riots/rap battles and the ensuing release of mace into the school's ventilation system, but what school doesn't have those occasional slip-ups? It's not like we were South Oak Cliff cage fighters.

But at Hillcrest we're all about constant progress, and occasionally linear regression into Neanderthal-like beings.

Confused? Lie down with an ice cold glass of tea (two sugars, none of that Splenda crap) and let the Cyclone educate you.

AP testing is tough. At the Cyclone we fully understand that. But while your honorable Cyclone narrators may engage in a Pokemon battle or write silly fake news articles to ~~avoid studying~~ blow off steam, other HHS kids have a new tactic: fighting.

According to occasionally reliable sources, there have been, like, 12 or 13 fights this week. And a stabbing.

Suck it, SOC!!!!!

"It's easily explained," said senior Jonathan Wilson. "As president of the Hillcrest Fight Club, we try to encourage positive reinforcement and a good way to vent frustration through our coordinated fights. Obviously, some of our members have taken that a bit too far, which is regrettable. Although I would like to mention that Fight Club members are 7-0-1 against non-FC members, with 4 KOs."

Other students have verified the Fight Club's record.

"I saw one fight where the FC dude just beat the crap out of this lame-o sophomore," said freshman Jesse Degani by phone from his seat in Mr. Baldridge's Environmental Science class. "The sophomore got some good licks in and the judges gave the FC fighter a split decision, but it should've been unanimous. His right jab was phenomenal."

The administration was less enthused about the recent fights.

"I just would like to encourage students not to beat each other silly," said Headmaster Shelton. (Future Headmaster Jones could not be reached at press time.) "And if you do have to beat each other silly, use those silly Roc'Em Soc'Em gloves. Not knives. I would really like to discourage knife usage. And no katanas, either, for anyone who saw Wolverine last Friday."

The fighting spirit has really taken root in the HHS population, though. A record 20 wizard duels are scheduled for tomorrow afternoon on the practice football field.

"My father has taught me some great spells," boasted valedictorian Michael Hinojosa. "I'd say my magic's just about on Dr. McGaffey's level by now."

(Full disclosure: Cyclone writer Jeff Wilke, aka Voldemort, will not be taking part in the dueling tomorrow, as he has tested positive for a banned substance known as HRX [commonly referred to as "horcruxes"].)

This is a developing story, and we will keep you updated. (Tips are appreciated. Email us or just comment.)

The Cyclone would like to remind students that fighting is against HHS policy, and that students could get seriously hurt, or worse - expelled.

UPDATE: Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-raiser

2009-05-07T21:14:00.007-05:00

WE HAVE DONE IT!!!!! $90 has been raised through charitable donation, and you shall see a Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement in the final issue of the 2009 Hillcrest Hurricane.

Hillcrest Baseball Is Quite Fertile

2009-05-07T20:28:00.004-05:00

In the wake of Major League Baseball's breaking news earlier today regarding Manny Ramirez, members of Hillcrest baseball have stepped forward and admitted their drug usage.

The drug being taken into account in both situations is hCG, or commonly known as human chorionic gonadotropin. hCG is a women's fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body's natural testosterone production.

"Yeah, I took hCG," said sophomore Spencer Klein. "SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE I DID STEROIDS OR ANYTHING!" Klein said as he threw a chair against the wall of the baseball locker room.

Klein is not the only Hillcrest Panther to admit usage of the drug. Junior Phillip Sartain has had his run-ins with hCG as well.

"Did I do hCG? Yes," Sartain said. "But I didn't use it for any steroid-related purposes at all."

I was befuddled, but the rest of the Hillcrest Panther baseball team denied further comment on the issue, although this might explain Paul Seitz's unnaturally cherub-like looks.

Lesson learned. Male athletes should probably stay away from women's fertility medicine. No suspensions have been handed down by the school or district as of yet.

Sorry for the lack of postage yesterday, Jeff W and I have recently finished a run of 4 AP tests in 4 days. Wait what's that smell? Oh, it's an FML.

Quote of the Day

2009-05-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

"You know, I don't think I'm going to do this today."

-Senior Ben Debus after being handed the essay portion of the AP English Literature exam.

Hillcrest Cyclone is One Month Old

2009-05-05T21:10:00.004-05:00

"I've been hit over 6300 times!"

Thank you for your continued support of The Cyclone.

HHS Holds First-Ever Good, Christian Prom

2009-05-04T22:30:00.004-05:00

Hillcrest High School Promenade: '09 Edition was many things. Classy. Pimp-tight. Surprisingly clean for a warehouse. ~~Awfully crazy, I wish I'd taped it.~~

Add "moral" to that list.

"I just am so pleased to announce that for the first time in the history of high school proms, a high school - Hillcrest itself! - has held a prom night during which no one got wasted!" enthused Hillcrest Youth Moral Superiority chairman Andrew Asay in a recent statement. (Here Asay giggles.) "And no one got laid!"

Unfortunately for the male population, at least one of those charges might hold true.

"Unwilling abstinence is still abstinence," Asay later clarified.

The veracity of Chairman Asay's claims is uncertain, although many seniors did comment on the unusual prom afterparties. While prom is usually famous for its fun-filled late-night activities of dubious (at best) legality, most parties this year seemed to focus on board games, watching parties of The Chronicles of Narnia and Passion of the Christ, and group Bible sessions.

"It was really uncomfortable for me personally and religiously," said senior Josh Fein, cofounder of the popular Facebook group, Jewish GANGSTAS! "Hey, do you want to hear a Jew joke?"

After avoiding one of Fein's infamous degrading jokes, the Cyclone returned to Chairman Asay for further comments.

"Really, I think we all needed to reaffirm our belief in God after those god-awful (pun intended) karaoke performances," Asay said. "I organized this so that people would know that there's hope at the end of the tunnel. So that people would know what college is like. College is one big youth Bible group study session. At least that's what I've been told."

Rumors abound that Young Atheist Club President Michael Hinojosa plans to sue HHS for violations of the establishment clause of the Constitution, but that could just be me showing off that knowledge I put to work today on the US Gov AP test.

Promenade Photoroll

2009-05-04T12:55:00.010-05:00

These are ~~the few~~ a few classy pictures of The Cyclone in action.

Jeff W and I discussing ~~this photo~~ Cyclone matters with the Prime Minister of Papua New Guinea (not pictured).

What an unfortunate turn of events for Jeff. Swine Flu strikes again.

"His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." Matthew 28:3 (Archangel Kevin Latta pictured above)

Well, it's Monday. [expletive]

PROM WEEKEND

2009-05-02T01:10:00.004-05:00

Everyone have a fun weekend. We got prom, should be a little ridiculous, and AP tests start up shortly after. Hope all Friday nights went well and we leave you with this for the weekend:

Quote of the Day

2009-05-01T11:14:00.003-05:00

“I hope he arouses the fire that’s dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger.”

-Valedictorian Michael Hinojosa, addressing the rumors of a last-minute transfer student with a 98.6 GPA, taking a page out of Ichiro Suzuki's book.

Hillcrest High School Throws A Curveball

2009-05-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

In searching for a more efficient way to schedule classes, the administration at our fine institution has decided to adopt the unorthodox plan of having a 47 classes a day. Switching from seven 55 minute classes to 47 8 minute classes is believed to maximize a student's learning diversity.

The change comes under new Headmaster Ronald Jones, who will be taking over for Mr. Albus Shelton next fall.

"This is for the best. Now a student may take six different English classes, nine different math classes, as well as 23 different types of foreign languages," said Jones. "Are you going to tell me that that is not amazing?"

Many see a problem with this scheme, and doubt it will work. The fact that the classes are eight minutes long serves as one potential road block.

"What the [expletive] [expletive] am I supposed to teach in eight [expletive] minutes?" said math teacher Mrs. Alverson. "That's barely enough time for Blake Atwell to pass up his homework!"

"Wait," said Atwell with a look of horror on his face, "that's not enough time for me to do my homework during class!"

As I stated before, the changing of the guard of Hillcrest High School is underway. Interim Headmaster Shelton will be taking his abilities somewhere else, and our school will be graced with the likes of Ronald Jones. Jones is believed to come from Benjamin Franklin Middle School. Are we really supposed to believe this? The Cyclone will dig deep into the past.

We are truth. We will uncover not only the magical abilities of Mr. Jones, but his intentions for our school as well.

TGIF

MIA

2009-04-30T22:19:00.003-05:00

Our faults today for not giving you the groundbreaking news you all deserve. Cyclone staff has been in an unbreakable sleep thanks to Dr. McGaffey's AP review session earlier today.

Surprises come tomorrow.

You have 10 hours.

Developing Story: Swine Flu Is Officially Mean-Spirited

2009-04-29T13:26:00.008-05:00

While several believed him dead, our old pal and resident criminal mastermind Swine Flu is on the loose again, causing Joker-level chaos. UIL has recently announced it is suspending Texas high school sports until May 11.

Excuse me while I bash my head into a wall and burst into tears.

Pictured above: That [expletive] Swine Flu, even more nefarious than we first imagined.

How Swine Flu is carrying out this crime spree is somewhat of a mystery, since as we all know our very own Erik "Boom-Boom" Severson killed the supervillain. Possibly Swine Flu faked his own death; possibly he, like the Joker in Batman comics, never dies for some strange reason. ~~Unless Tamiflu is involved.~~

"As an analytic therapist, what I saw with Mr. Flu was that most of his anger towards high school sports probably came from the fact that he could never climb the rope in gym class," said Severson.

As we all know, this only delays the baseball team's inevitable destruction of all foes. But it's still annoying. Here's hoping AP tests don't get cancelled/postponed, because then everyone will weep.

But seriously, folks, take caution with swine flu and review steps you can take to help keep yourself and others safe. I'm going to go cry now.

From Erik: If you enjoy Swine Flu, geography, and tracing epidemics, this is for you.

The Cyclone Introduces Swine Flu to Hillcrest

2009-04-28T08:00:00.010-05:00

Recently, The Cyclone got to sit down with one of the more popular celebrities of the past couple days. I'm of course talking about the infamous Swine Flu. In The Cyclone's exclusive interview with the misunderstood disease, Mr. S. Flu tells us the tale of how he has been portrayed in the wrong light, and how he's trying to make amends with our people. The interview we scheduled ended up in a sad (or possibly happy) ending for the people of the world.

Of course before reading this you must know that when you become a member of The Cyclone, you automatically become immune to all diseases. Except for scurvy.

Here is how the interview went:

Erik: So Mr. Swine Flu, how did this all begin?
Swine Flu: Bad judgement on my part. One person led to another, and soon I'm becoming a worldwide occurrence. You could say I've built up most of the anger in my life from a iffy relationship with mom and pop. See, my mother was the flu and my father was an actual pig, so when my father mutated my mother, and in turn, my mother killed my father, things around the house became a little rough.

E: But why us?
SF: You know, I can't really answer that question. I have an incurable desire to party, and you know, I just go where the wind takes me. Spring Break in Mexico got a little out of control, and I ended up making a few decisions I now regret, and somehow I ended up in the US.

E: Recently, the Secretary of the Department Homeland Security declared a public health emergency in the United States. Aren't you panicking that the feds might be on your tail?
SF: You know, part of me wants to get caught. I'm sick (no pun intended) of hurting people. What nobody knows is I'm a nice fellow. I just am made of viruses that can kill you. Ain't no thang.

Swine Flu pictured above, wearing Indiana Jones costume

E: What are your plans for North Texas?
SF: That's a great question. I'm currently looking for an apartment on the street Wedd Chappel but I can't seem to find where that might be. Who knows, I probably won't even stay in the US much longer. I'm not sure that I like it here.

E: How can you look yourself in the mirror?
At this stage in our conversation, Mr. Flu began to get very emotional. He began letting out viral sobs.
SF: You know what, I don't need this Hillcrest Cyclone. You don't know me! You don't know the pressure I'm under! I [expletive] hate this [expletive] and can't do this anymore!

Swine Flu then stormed out of the room, leaving nothing but a trail of nothing. But I was not through with him; I would get the story I ~~needed~~ wanted.

I followed Mr. Flu to a dark, dark corridor inside of a dark, dark building. He was troublesome to follow because he is practically invisible when not wearing his formal suit. It was then that I saw one of the most horrid events these eyes have ever seen. The bathtub was filled with water. And bang. Right then and there, Swine Flu killed himself. Did the celebrity status rush to his head? Did his spotty past catch up with him? Was I responsible?

The answers are no, no, yes. I killed Swine Flu, technically, and I will take full credit for saving not only our school, but the world as well. You're welcome world. Hillcrest Hurricane editor-in-chief Jenny Davenport has agreed to build The Cyclone a gigantic bronze statue in order to celebrate the event.

But in all seriousness, Swine Flu could have friends so:

--Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.

--Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hands cleaners are also effective.

--Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread that way.

--And whatever you do, do not come in contact with Voldemort or Mohammed Talib. (No word yet on whether swine flue affects werewolves.)

Man... Wolf... HUMAN.

2009-04-27T21:15:00.009-05:00

A cafe, east Dallas. A nondescript place with weird modern furniture, oddly orange lighting, and size classifications in three different languages. The fare is typical: mocha frappuccino, vanilla bean frappuccino, croissant, mocha lite frappuccino, Paul McCartney album, rainbow essence of dried soul frappuccino.

But something about the scene is atypical.

"I've never done this before," says the man - nay, boy - across from me, idly moving his cup from hand to hand. "I've never told anyone about my... condition."

"It's okay," I say, and I smile. "Just talk to me. About anything."

He looks up, but he's not looking at me. Then he sighs, sets down the cup.

"All right."

----

Above all, this is a story about random chance.

"I guess you could say everything started with a walk in the park," he says, and then stops. "Wait a minute, this is anonymous, right?"

"Yes," I reply.

"Kay. Just... give me a nickname. Something cool and nonsexual. Like... Deep Throat!"

"Taken."

"Aw damn. Never mind, just call me Moony."

"Taken by a fictional character."

My source scowls. "Then call me... the Wolf."

I shrug and click my pen. He never claimed to be original.

"I guess you could say it started with a walk in the park. I was just a kid, about eight years old, when I was bitten. It happened one night near White Rock. I was just walking along, minding my own business at 4 A.M., not dealing crack or anything like that, when all of a sudden this big monster pops out at me. A wolf." The Wolf sighs, steadies himself. "Really hairy, bad breath. He was probably a Bryan Adams graduate. Anyway, he attacks me, and he bites me. Right on the neck."

He shows me the wound. It's pretty nasty.

"Why didn't he kill you?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Didn't make for a good story, I guess. Beats me."

Four weeks later, the Wolf began getting stomach cramps. Like anyone, he assumed that the cramps were from eating three Chipotle burritos in one night. But it wasn't so, at least not on this occasion.

Two nights later he had his first transformation.

"It was... horrible. I remember the full moon. The hair bursting out of my arms. My canine teeth expanding, my nose becoming a snout. Luckily I was locked inside a basement... um, not due to a drug deal gone bad or anything... but anyway, I was locked in a basement and couldn't do any harm. There was some [expletive] in the next house over playing 'Thriller' on repeat, though, and I really didn't appreciate that. It was pretty offensive and hurtful."

But the transformations kept coming. Sometimes the Wolf couldn't control himself. Sometimes he wasn't locked in a basement because of a drug deal gone bad, and on those occasions, things got nasty. Murder, destruction, bloodlust. All applied. Some nights he'd return home and realize he'd killed 18 people. Some nights he'd return home and realize he'd wasted money on a Rangers ticket. His crimes sickened him.

[Editor's note: You might want to cut this part out. This is a fluff piece: we don't want to include any negative information in here about our source. Think of it as "objective creative license." Keep up the good work, kid.]

But the transformations kept coming. For six long years, the Wolf thought he was alone. But then he entered Hillcrest, and his perception changed.

"You should know," he says, "that there are werewolves at Hillcrest."

The Wolf refused to name names, but a preliminary investigation pulled up several suspects.

"There were several patterns I noticed," said mathmetician/nerd Mattia Flabiano. "I studied moon charts and student/faculty absences, and determined several possible lycans."

First on the list: comm app teacher Mr. Hennig, who is conspicuously absent on every full moon and makes his students watch random movies during his absences, leaving an oblivious sub to wonder aloud every day "what this movie is about," and no one in the class answering his question.

"I am certainly not involved in any of this wacky old foolishness y'all are bringing up," said Mr. Hennig when asked for comment.

Seems inconspicuous, but look at his comment more closely:

"I am certainly ~~not involved in~~ a~~ny of this~~ wear~~isom~~e w~~acky~~ old f~~oolishness y'all are bringing up.~~"

His secret message: "I am certainly a werewolf."

It is obvious that Mr. Hennig is trying to reach out to us, as many lycans are. But it's not easy.

Just look at Edgar Arroyo. Flabiano has determined from absence sheets that Arroyo could also be a werewolf, but Arroyo fervently denies any claims, probably afraid of ostracization.

"No," he said, "I just don't go to class."

It has been speculated that Cyclone member Kevin Latta could be a lycan judging by his numerous soccer absences, but the Cyclone has no comment at this time on the matter.

And there is reason to be afraid. Lycans are a controversial topic, and the official school newspaper, The Hurricane, has been banned from writing about the issue, among other things.

"Werewolves are evil," said National Rifle Association member Gantt Lairsey. "That's why I keep two rifles on me at all times, one with normal bullets and one with silver bullets. With the first one I shoot deer and the second one I shoot werewolves."

In addition, there has been conflict between the lycan faction and the vampire faction at Hillcrest, led by Mr. Baldridge. Officials are worried that the Scots, led by Mr. Wright, could join in the action.

"Scots burn people and put stakes through people's hearts," said Mr. Baldridge, baring his teeth. "They're crazy."

------

But this isn't just about a story. This is about a person.

"There's not many good role models out there," the Wolf sighs. "Remus Lupin, maybe, but he was killed off without even a proper goodbye. American Werewolf in London? Yeah right! So discriminatory. And I don't care, Michael J. Fox is NOT a real werewolf. But whatever."

The Wolf throws his coffee cup away, turns at me, and offers a weak smile.

"That's all there is to say, I guess," he states. "I hope I cleared some things up for you."

I assure him that he did.

"Good."

He puts his hood over his head and waves, disappearing out the door without a goodbye. I should've expected that.

But he didn't need a goodbye. I realize, as I'm getting in my car to leave and a raindrop hits the windshield, that we all look up at the same full moon at night. Some of us are dreaming. Some of us are killing people and biting their jugulars. But we're all the same.

The thought makes me smile.

AP Tests Got You Down?

2009-04-27T19:16:00.004-05:00

Click me. A lot.

Because the rest of this week is going to be glum and wet. Plus the fact TAKS makes us all want to dive into a pool of bricks.

Hillcrest Cyclone 1st Annual FUN-raiser (lulz)

2009-04-27T08:53:00.009-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another week load of spine-melting news coverage.

Now let's begin. Although The Cyclone grosses over $450,000 daily, we would love to entertain your support of our "news source." In the upcoming Hillcrest Hurricane (our "official" school newspaper), The Cyclone would love to to place an advertisement. This is totally up to our readership, but let's make this something more than a cult-following. The advertisement costs $90 and you can contact us at hillcrest.cyclone@gmail.com or in P-5 during all of 4th period. Pitch in for a good laugh. If you want to.

<3
Happy Monday.

**********
UPDATE: Grand total of $7. We're on pace!
Donations may range from $1 to $978. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thank you for your continued support of The Cyclone.

G'd Up From the Deceit Up: Episode II

2009-04-24T17:37:00.006-05:00

Here is the continuing weekly feature we have at The Cyclone, written by Kevin Latta. Dramatic, compelling, and very mysterious, G'd Up From the Deceit Up tells the lore and legend of the 2009 Hillcrest soccer team.

From the first day I stepped on to the field with my new teammates, I became overwhelmed with a strange feeling that some scandalous activities were taking place right under the noses of the Hillcrest population. Something smelled a bit fishy.

I later found out that this “fishy” smell was caused by the pounds of hair gel worn by many members of the team, but my suspicions were later confirmed.

On one particular afternoon, I entered the school through the back, walking past the numerous “brown pride” logos spray painted on the wall and into the boy’s locker room. I changed quietly, staying low key amongst the chattering of a code-like language (which I have recently been told was a dialect of grammatically incorrect Spanish) to keep from blowing my cover. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a strange glimmer that seemed to reflect around several corridors of the prison-ish room. Initially, I though this may have been a hallucination caused by the fumes given off by the chemical reaction of hair gel and sweat that produces a strange “high” similar to the “high” one might experience after sniffing airplane glue out of a paper sack. Mr. Brown, Physics extraordinaire, has admitted to seeing glimmers of light around 180° angles before, but this is likely due to the… uh… “uniqueness” of his eyes.

Upon investigating, I witnessed what may go down as the most bizarre occurrence in Hillcrest history. Before my very eyes, I witnessed sickly thin soccer star David Martinez, Benjamin Button-at-birth look alike Major Hendry, and famously overpaid diva Alex Rodriguez, affectionately known as A-Rod, huddled together. The floor of the locker room was completely covered in syringes. After checking my perifs for signs of the notorious, tricycle riding clown, Jigsaw, I realized that these men were, in fact, not fighting for their lives…. Or were they?

After dodging several swings of A-Rod’s bat (which was actually quite easy… he’s no Collier Bailey), several feminine “punches” from David Martinez, and a barrage of cigarette butts thrown by Major, I was able to grab two syringes off the ground. Running the contents through the lab produced intriguing results.

One syringe, thought to be Major Hendry’s, contained a mixture of Botox, popular youth serum, and pure nicotine, finally providing explanation for Major’s youthful appearance despite his 247 years of life. In the other syringe, my “lab technicians,” which I feel may be a bit of a stretch due to their numerous attempts to sell me prescription pharmaceuticals, discovered something quite disturbing. The second syringe contained a strong sample of Anabolic Steroids. When asked for comment, David Martinez stated, “That ain’t mine bro,” but due to his rapid weight gain, blowing up to a mean 86 pounds, one is left to come to his or her own conclusions. Alex Rodriguez openly admitted to using the steroids, quickly rolling up his sleeve, flexing his bicep and asking, “Derek Jeter got guns like these?”

After this horrifying discovery, I thought I had unearthed the juiciest of the nefarious activities occurring on the Hillcrest soccer team, but little did I know, I had barely scratched the surface.

Until next time, stay classy San Diego... Hillcrest.

Everyone have a ridiculous weekend. See you Sunday or Monday, depends on the wind direction. And how lazy we are on Sundays.

On the Recent Rumors...

2009-04-23T22:33:00.017-05:00

As some of you may be aware, in the last weeks there have been rumors about my true identity. Naturally, these rumors reached me and disturbed my friends and family.

They would say to me: "Jeff, is this true? Are you really the Darkest wizard Britain has seen in four centuries?"

Or: "But your name isn't even Tom Riddle! There's no possible way you can be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

There were many things I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "Of course not, ~~I'm the Darkest wizard of all time~~ I am no Dark wizard!" or "You're right, there is no possible way that I am connected with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." But there comes a certain point where it just hurts to lie to others, particularly those close to you... and a certain point where you realize that you're just lying to yourself.

People have always laughed at me and called me names and said, "Dude, you really need to come out of the closet." I never knew what they meant, but now I do, because I realize how obvious my condition has been to everyone. So I am coming out of the closet - the metaphorical closet of villains.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to face the truth.

I am Lord Voldemort.

You may doubt my claims, to which I say - phah, foolish Muggle! But if you want visual proof, just look at this:

Notice the stunning lack of any sort of nose, as already indicated by several commentators, and also the odd, blueish skin tone. Also, as everyone knows, I am possibly more well-versed in magic than anyone in Hillcrest history, other than perhaps Headmaster Shelton. Honestly, I don't know how you guys missed this. I've been busy making Horcruxes since 9th grade. What else am I supposed to do for those 6 hours of waiting after finishing TAKS?

Now that I'm officially out in the open, it's time for the Reign of Terror to begin. You may have noticed some odd occurrences in the past few days, and it's time to put the rumors to rest: yes, I was involved in the hocus pocus and mischief going on at Hillcrest on Tuesday, April 21, 2009. While I may have been in Rhode Island on a "college visit" (in actuality I was scoping out dungeons - the housing crisis has made high-scale dungeons vastly more affordable for first-time buyers like myself), that doesn't mean that I was out of the picture. No, it was I who started that fight: my Death Eaters used some well-placed Confundus charms to trick those girls into fighting, and several other well-placed jinxes made the ensuing riot(s) a cinch.

It's come to my attention that Mohammed Talib's faction has claimed responsibility for this attack on Hillcrest, and to this I say phah! once more. Mohammed Talib is a weakling. Know this, Hoodcrest Panthers: I will find you. I will capture you. And I will Crucio you. ~~I have Crucio stats of 240,367,892.~~

IT HAS BEGUN.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-22T20:52:00.001-05:00

"I was scared. Scared that the cops were going to pepper spray us again."

-Unnamed freshman

Cyclone Movie Review: "Response to the Cyclone"

2009-04-21T22:30:00.006-05:00

Check My Stats Films has released it's first blockbuster production, a dramatic thriller named, "Response to the Cyclone." Here it is folks.

Lead actor Austin Holmes along with his supporting cast consisting of Zach Anderson, give a compelling performance filled with drama, action, and a tad bit of comedy. The plot of the film is directed around the validity of Holmes' "stats." In response to this post, Holmes and Anderson try to make clear to their "audience" that they need to "check his stats."

The repetition of this phrase really gives the movie meaning, a meaning the viewer won't forget.

Now let's get to the grades:

PLOT
3 out of 5- I really understood what the two boys were trying to get across, the problem is, I think I understood about 9 times during the course of the video. I feel like there was a tad bit of existential angst in the script, and I believe that carried over to the plot. All in all, it was a good start for Check My Stats Films.

ACTING
4.5 out of 5- A true awe-striking performance from lead man Austin Holmes proved to his readership that he in fact, does know how to act. His mix of strong words and emotions paired with his overpowering physical actions truly want to make anybody who watches this piece of film to go "check his stats." Although Zach Anderson doesn't bring to the table what Holmes does, he establishes himself early as the "Crunching King," in this case, the man behind the man.

CAMERAWORK
1 out of 5- Very weak audio and a shaky hand manning the camera. Quite unfortunate. It's definitely something Check My Stats Films can work on.

PROPS
4 out of 5- In order to establish himself as a "number-cruncher," Zach Anderson plays the role of the geeky-genius type, and does so through the use of his 1970's eyeglasses and his handy calculator. Well done, I must say. In Holmes' case, the "hawk" and gel helps the reader understand just how high his stats are, something he wanted to make clear. That is not all Holmes is sporting though. The Cyclone has spotted a scarf that Holmes appears to be wearing throughout the entire video, a scarf that is known to represent Mohammed Talib/Matthew Talley's regime. Could there be a link between Check My Stats and Mohammed Talib?

Not a bad first film, but there's room for improvement. The Cyclone has no information on when "Response to the Cyclone" will be released on DVD.

Most Epic Day Ever

2009-04-21T17:04:00.004-05:00

Hoodcrest never seems to disappoint me.

The Cyclone is in the middle of an investigation of this occurrence. We are not through with this.

Hillcrest Assaulted by Third President?

2009-04-20T23:57:00.009-05:00

It seems that baby-ghosts aren't the only thing Hillcrest has to worry about lately. Another paranormal spirit has targeted our beloved school, this time leaving his mark. Who knows what we did to frustrate him, but the ghost of one of our founding fathers, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson, has launched a full offensive on the school building.

Is it possible the ghost of our third president has left the Democratic-Republicans and joined the Crips? Is the spirit trying to give us directions? Is this the beginning to National Treasure 3?

Color of choice: Blue. American? Yes.

When asked about the dilemma, AP U.S. History teacher Sue Blanchette said, "Phooey! I always knew that Jefferson was a dirty fellow. You don't see Alexander Hamilton doing such a thing. Now he was a classy individual."

It is believed that the ex-president/ex-governor/ex-breathing human is setting up his base of operations in the 214 area code (pictured below). What is clear to us at The Cyclone is that the ghost of Jefferson is not too familiar with the streets of the area, or common English language for that matter.

The ghost appears to be trying to send some sort of message. From the photo above, it seems that there could be two possibilities of his reasoning. 1) He could be trying to give his home address (I believe he attempted to spell Webb Chapel), but spelled it absolutely wrong (it's April 20, after all), or 2) The ghost of Thomas Jefferson is getting remarried at the Wedd Chappel, and used his texting lingo.

Mr. Cuevas, assistant principal and certified ghost-hunter, is in the process of assembling a team to fight the ghouls and ghosts that have begun to go to war with Hillcrest. He has asked students to give any information on the whereabouts of this man.

Might I remind you, this is not the first presidential ghost to do this in the year 2009. Woodrow Wilson made sure his presence was felt when he did the same earlier in February. Presidential conspiracy? Expect the next strike to come from Millard Fillmore.

There's Something In The Heater

2009-04-19T22:45:00.004-05:00

Mattia Flabiano reports.
HILLCREST HS (HC) – There are some things at Hillcrest High School that seem to avoid any worldly explanation. Students in Mrs. Podhrasky’s second period statistics class were able to witness one of these mysteries numerous times this past winter.

Several first-person accounts have claimed that there is something alive within the air vents and heating system at the DISD school.

“There’s definitely something in there,” senior Ross Shwarts assured the Cyclone after his most recent encounter with the strange entity. Loud banging noises can be heard from within the heater, causing many to speculate on the nature of these heaters.

Some of the most popular theories about the origin of the noises have been a past statistics student who failed the AP exam, a trapped baby, and even an entire colony of hobbit-like dwarves. The craziest ideas have come from the administrators.

“It’s just the heater booting up,” Headmaster Shelton tried to explain after being asked to comment. “Of course there isn’t anything in the vents. DISD policy forbids it.”

Shelton’s remarks where endorsed by various other members of the staff, including Mrs. Podhrasky, causing some at the Cyclone to think there is a school-wide cover up attempt. Attempts by soccer star Kevin Latta to more closely examine the heater were greeted by an eruption from the usually calm statistics teacher.

“That was the quickest she’s ever reacted.” Latta recalled with a confused look. “She doesn’t notice when we text or talk across the room, but just glancing at the heater made her act crazy.”

Strange sounds in a heater are not the only source of puzzlement among Hillcrest students. Strange whistling and howling sounds can be heard in classrooms along the social studies wing.

Senior Collier Bailey was quick to offer an explanation: “The noise only happens when its extremely rainy and windy so it probably comes from a ghoul of some sort that doesn’t like getting wet.”

The administration declined to comment calling the accusations “unbelievable” and “ridiculous,” and wondering, “Why you kids don’t have anything better to do with your time than write fake news stories?”

Clearly there is something amiss at Hillcrest High School. Administrators have done their best to withhold any information regarding the source of these sinister noises. But this is much too important: lives could be at stake.

Hillcrest Considering Secession?

2009-04-17T19:30:00.004-05:00

Taking a page from Texas Governor Rick Perry, recent comments from Hillcrest Senior Class President Jenny Davenport suggest that the high school would look into secession from DISD.

"To be frank, we've grown sick of district mandates," said Davenport after a recent Student Council meeting. "You know - grading, attendance, all that kind of stuff. We entered this district as an independent school, and we can leave it as one too."

Davenport's comments were notably harsher than Perry's (seen below), although the overall point remains similar.

A very harried Deputy Headmaster Cuevas was seen leaving the school premises on Friday afternoon, reporters trailing his every move.

"What the Student Council does is its own business," he said to the throng when asked for comment. "HHS has no official comment at this time."

But in the afternoon session of Student Council, the student body passed a resolution condemning district power over the school. The resolution, while meaningless because the school willingly entered the district and has no power whatsoever, did succeed in really pissing some Dallas officials off, because not twenty minutes later Dallas police showed up looking for school officials.

"Headmaster Shelton, we're here to arrest you," said a policeman after cornering the headmaster in the hallways. Shelton surveyed the scene, amused.

"Hm, I thought we might run into that little problem," he said, twinkle in his eye. "You see, I have no intention of - what is the phrase? Coming quietly, yes. I have no desire to be arrested."

And then he disappeared in a blast of fire, probably through the use of advanced magic. Headmaster Shelton is a baller like that.

The Student Council was rounded up but eventually let go due to the mercy of DISD officials, and the student leadership quickly disavowed talks of secession.

"Clearly, I stated that we have a great union," explained Davenport. "And Hillcrest is part of a great union. I see no reason for that to change. I think that may not be the exact quote, but that is in essence what I said."

This left everyone wondering whether secession still may lie in Hillcrest's future.

"Dumb dumb dumb dumb," spluttered a red-faced StuCo President Michael Hinojosa, who ~~never attends meetings~~ had not been present at the meetings. "I've never heard such a dumb idea in my life."

At press time the Cyclone had not received word of Headmaster Shelton's whereabouts.

-

This is it until Sunday. Have a great weekend.

Caught on Tape: Kleptothief Paul Seitz

2009-04-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

Known to many as the kid who managed to shatter both of his legs last year, junior Paul Seitz, despite his cherubic looks, is up to no good... still.

The Cyclone set up a trap hidden camera to see just how "innocent" this baby-faced kiddo was. Seen below is Seitz, who has the undeniable urge to steal anything and everything his eye catches. The loot in this case, a hotel room key, which was speculated to be used by Seitz in order to get into our room in the depths of the night. What he had planned we may never know.

In response to this video, Paul Seitz made the claim that "this wasn't him," and we "had the wrong guy."

The Cyclones' rebuttal to Seitz's claims:

The Cyclone sees a resemblance between the video klepto and the cute kid above. So next time you are missing a pencil, shoe, wallet, or maybe even a fragment of your soul, know that Paul Seitz very well could have been behind it. Well, either him or that damned Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib.

G'd Up From the Deceit Up: Episode I

2009-04-17T00:33:00.010-05:00

Here is a new weekly feature we have starting at The Cyclone, written by Kevin Latta. Dramatic, compelling, and very mysterious, G'd Up From the Deceit Up tells the lore and legend of the 2009 Hillcrest soccer team.

For the past two soccer seasons, I have been hiding. Hiding… in broad daylight. There is an idea of a Kevin Latta; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

Thus has been the cold reality of my life for the past two years, spent deep undercover, investigating a phenomenon that seldom makes its presence known beyond the pitch. In order to witness one of the world of Hillcrest High School’s natural phenomena, I was forced to erase all traces of my previous self, similar to Will Smith’s character in the exciting/humorous 1997 film Men In Black. Fortunately, I was allowed to keep my fingerprints in tact.Unfortunately, I was not deemed “worthy” of a Noisy Cricket. My apologies for the bitterness, but the prospect of a two-inch gun that can destroy half of a New York City block was pretty much the reason I got into investigative journalism/espionage. But I digress…

The Hillcrest Soccer Organization has gained critical acclaim for the success of its teams in recent years. In addition to the success of H.C.F.P. (Hillcresto Club de Futbol Playings), the organization has garnered a reputation for flair, intrigue, mystery, and scandal. From numerous on field brawls to inner squad clashes due to a certain Tarzan-esque, beautiful, curly, black-lock-sporting prima donna ~~named Abraham Juarez~~ who will remain unnamed.

This season was full of “mishaps” that were quietly swept under the rug and even when the “mishaps” began to spoil and develop a strange mold, similar to the mold one might find on several week old bread that my mother has left sitting out, failing to recognize the folly of her ways after countless occurrences, Hillcrest High School has managed to metaphorically spray a coating of Febreeze over the rug to cover any remnants of foul play. The rug will soon be lifted, revealing the seedy underbelly of Hillcrest soccer. The mysterious disappearance of coaches, the team's odd tendency to get in fights at every game, the inexplicable development of nicknames for every player on the team, and Major Hendry’s secret to eternal life will all be explained in the episodic exposé.

Buckle your seat belts, kids, its going to be a wild ride…

It's Official: The Hillcrest Cyclone Shocks/Awes/Induces Readers to Tears of Joy

2009-04-16T22:55:00.001-05:00

Let the New Age of Media begin.

The Hillcrest Cyclone has recently been named the best blog ever by D Magazine's FrontBurner blog.

"It's about time," said Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson. "We've been writing quality news stories for almost two weeks, and it's nice to finally get a smidgeon of the appreciation we rightfully deserve."

As you will notice at the bottom of the main page, we at the Cyclone have installed a visitor counter to mathematically quantify our dominance over other blog-type things. Already the Cyclone has gained 12,000,712 hits at the time of this post, meaning that the counter couldn't even keep up with our site traffic since it didn't have enough digits.

"The Hillcrest Cyclone has already become the second-most read blog of all time at Blogger behind a blog by a 20-year-old unemployed artist from Brooklyn," said an official statement from Pyra Labs, creators and maintainers of blogspot.com, the site that hosts the Cyclone. "We're somewhat unused to creativity and pure genius when it comes to blogging, but we're working around the clock here to make sure that our servers don't crash from the exponentially increasing traffic the Cyclone will surely enjoy as news of its beastliness spreads across the land."

Interestingly, officials from Hillcrest High School's "official" newspaper, the Hillcrest Hurricane, have refused to comment.

"That's pretty standard," said Cyclone co-founder Jeff Wilke, a handsome individual with untameable hair and the smile of a god. "The Cyclone usually inspires respectful silence in its readers and amongst the proletariat."

The Cyclone's sudden and much deserved upswing in popularity has shocked the newspaper industry. Already the Boston Globe has announced it is folding its operations and rebranding itself as a blog (The Boston Typhoon), hiring Cyclone editor Drew Vine as editor-in-chief for the new blog.

"Basically they saw how much the Cyclone rocked," Vine explained by phone, ignoring the fact that he hasn't even written a story for the Cyclone. "As much as I hate to leave the best blog ever, they're paying me a lot of money, so... Yeah. I'm going to go with money over loyalty any day."

Other rumors persist, but Cyclone editors would like to establish that, contrary to the latest gossip, there are no plans to change the site domain to checkourstats.us. However, the Cyclone's success has rapidly changed the lives of cofounders Severson and Wilke.

"All the colleges that denied us [the] first go 'round have sent us formal letters of apology," said Severson. "They just wanted us to know that we are wonderful people and they're sorry that their admissions offices screwed up and mixed up our files with someone else's. We appreciated the gesture, and as a symbol of our appreciation will spend the next four years spreading voracious lies and harsh untruths about the colleges that originally denied us until they are forced to close their doors, a fate they justly deserve for their ignorance."

The Cyclone's growth as a trusted media source has also translated to growth as a business. As a result, Severson and Wilke are planning on ~~cashing out~~ selling off shares of the formerly private company, Hillcrest Cyclone Inc, to ~~any gullible suckers who are easily scammed~~ prospective investors.

"Business can only go up from here," said Wilke. "With the money we earn from selling off shares of our stock, we plan on buying up all other media sources, starting with the New York Times and the veritable News Corporation entities, until we have a completely unlawful media monopoly and are in a position to control public sentiment and mentality."

Shares are $20 apiece, cash only. Payment can be delivered to Mr. Baldridge's fourth period class, portable five.

Young Life Finds Jesus

2009-04-16T18:12:00.004-05:00

While many church groups claim to have "found Jesus" metaphorically and spiritually, Hillcrest Young Life has literally found Jesus.

"He was just hanging out under an overpass," said sophomore Blake Atwell. "His clothes were kind of ratty and he sorta smelled like liquor, though, but he said he was Jesus."

Young Life took the hobo-turned-savior under their wing and housed and fed him for several weeks. While Jesus usually kept busy sleeping off apparent hangovers and watching reruns of Ugly Betty, the group wasn't bothered.

"He seemed like a really nice guy," said senior Justin Hernandez. "When he wasn't passed out and everything."

Other members were less confident.

"He never did any miracles," said Atwell. "He chugged half a bottle of rum without vomiting, but that didn't seem like it qualified."

The group was alerted to the suspicious nature of "Jesus"'s actions when he was found trying to steal a car in the school parking lot with a crowbar and an inflatable balloon dog. Five ounces of marijuana were later found on the supposed Jesus.

"It was a shock," said Nichole Porras. "I never thought that would happen. He had the beard and everything."

"It makes sense that Jesus is a stoner," said David Kleinman, who isn't a member of Young Life but offered comment anyway.

While Young Life is moving past this incident, James King would like to remind everyone that meetings are on Monday and that there will be pizza and Rock Band at his house.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-16T10:50:00.005-05:00

"Let's go bang bang, Ms. Podhrasky."
[class goes wild]
"Permission to enter forcefield?"

-Exchange between statistics student and teacher

Introducing: Kevin Latta

2009-04-15T11:54:00.004-05:00

The infamous Kevin Latta interviews for a spot at The Cyclone.

This could only be good.

Who is This Boy?

2009-04-14T23:29:00.008-05:00

Earlier this school year, Hillcrest received a transfer student by the name of Matthew Talley. Nobody knows the origins of this "Matthew Talley," but being the gritty news source we are, The Cyclone dug deep into "Matthew's" past.

From the get-go, we knew something was different. When Hillcrest started having "random" poo-spills, "brown pride" graffitti, and principals stepping down (or overthrown possibly), we saw a connection. When first examining the case of "Matthew," we first believed he might be part ghost; some sort of evil spirit. Although we could almost see through him, when we failed to stick our arms through his chest we became discouraged.

On April 9th, The Cyclone followed this mysterious student back to a cave about an hour and a half away from Hillcrest. What seemed odd then, only got odder. When we were ready to pursue into the cave, we were stopped by armed guards, none of which spoke English. We left the cave that day with broken hearts and browned pants, but our spirits were unbroken. We were going to get to the bottom of this.

On April 13th at 1800 hours, The Cyclone caught a break. While "Talley" was playing in a Hillcrest High School baseball game, we gained access to the Mattcave. What happened next can only be described as shocking. Jeff Wilke and I found manuscripts containing a foreign text that we could not analyze. We then did the only thing we could do. We took the manuscripts to Dr. James Wright, master of world culture.

"To me it looks like this is a list of demands of some sort," Dr. Wright said. "Then again, it could just be a bunch of scribbles, I don't really know how to read this."

We trusted Dr. Wright's opinion on the fact that this must be a hit-list or radical demands. Aside from the document, we found a passport that belonged to a Mohammed Talib. As we soon found out, Mohammed Talib changed his name to Matthew Talley in order to Americanize himself to relieve suspicion. But suspicion of what?

It all makes sense. Who spilled [explitive] all over our hallways (also known as a biological attack)? Who pressured Dr. Crawford out of office when a certain someone wanted to put his own regime in place? Who would have reason to spray paint "brown pride" on all walls of the school? (Note from Jeff: ...Somewhat of a stretch even by our standards. Talley's pretty pasty.) And finally, who arrived to Hillcrest shortly before all of this took place? (Hint: Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib)

When the story of Mohammed Talib leaked to the student body, many students didn't care at all. But some did. One of whom was marine Kevan Montgomery.

"This is America, we have rules. 1) Speak American, 2) If you're a terrorist, we will get you, and 3) God Bless America," said Montgomery. "Personally, I think Momwad Tleeb (Mohammed Talib) is offensive and un-American and we're gonna get'm."

The Cyclone has no knowledge of future attacks of any sort by the Talib regime, but what we do know, is that nobody is safe. Talib has men everywhere. Footage found from the cave tells us that he is not alone. He will find you. He will capture you. He will have somebody cut off your [expletive].

Mohammed Talib Autobiography

Breaking News: Austin Holmes's Ownage Is At 1,000,000 Hit Points

2009-04-13T14:26:00.007-05:00

According to recent claims, Austin Holmes (also known by his alter ego, F.O.F.) has now approached "ownage" levels of 1,000,000, and claims to be growing stronger every day.

Holmes's unprecedented ascension has given some State Department officials pause.

"We've never seen a force rise so quickly," said an anonymous aide to Secretary of State Clinton. "This is a game-changing moment in the history of American diplomacy."

Also adding to White House fears is the fact that Holmes's "beastness" and "all other skills" stats have also reached 1,000,000 hit points. His "Scoring T.D.s," "breaking ankles," and "Speed cuts" stats have also surpassed the benchmark, although some State Department and Hillcrest officials have privately doubted the validity of those particular statistics.

"We are not scrubs," said one Hillcrest Frisbee team member upon learning that Holmes had added the entire Frisbee team to his ownage list. "Well, when Wright's not injuring himself, anyway."

Holmes has also contrarily claimed to have ownage levels of 10,000,000, although officials from the Obama team believe this just to be a typo.

"Whatever his ownage levels, this is a worrisome development," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs in a press conference this morning. "The President is monitoring the situtation closely."

CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was also outspoken about the issue.

"The ownage levels aren't what surprise me," he said when reached by the Cyclone for comment. "It's the fact that Holmes claims he's in Beast Mode 99.9% of the time he's awake. The average human being is only in Beast Mode 1.2% of the time. His beastliness is nearly 100 fold that of you or me!"

Worse, this development goes hand in hand with the nuclear tests recently undergone by the North Koreans. The White House worries that this confluence of rising powers could undermine U.S. hegemony throughout the world, particularly if Holmes's ownage levels rise high enough for him to ascend to Super Saiyan levels.

"A 16-year-old Super Saiyan and North Korea with nuclear capabilities?" groused an official at a recent White House meeting. "Say it ain't so, Joe."

"It ain't so," said Joe Biden obliviously.

Doubts about Holmes's potential for Super Saiyan power have been unfortunately tempered with Holmes's recent acquisition of a mohawk, which is usually an indicator of Super Saiyan transformation, or at least powerful Saiyan magic.

Obviously the similarity is stunning, and disconcerting.

On the bright side, beyond his supreme ownage abilities, Holmes seems to have taken the transition from mere mortal to supreme beastly god in stride, still acting just like any other kid as he shows YouTube watchers around his mansion, playfully displaying his 73" flat screen, his Hummer, and proudly displaying his support for PETA spokesman Michael Vick. And that elevator is really nifty too.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-12T21:26:00.001-05:00

A Hillcrest student explains why Jewish people celebrate Easter.

"Why not? They still believe that He rose and stuff like that."

Hillcrest High School and the Prom of Secrets

2009-04-10T22:17:00.010-05:00

Quite a kerfluffle was caused today when it was announced that the location of prom would be kept secret until the day of the event.

"I know this will just make you more inquisitive, but we will not release the location of prom until May 2nd, the day of prom," stated Headmaster Shelton at ~~the Opening Feast of Hogwarts~~ a senior assembly. "Suffice it to say that it will be a magical night."

Needless to say this caused quite a din of excitement and confusion in the Great Hall - er, auditorium.

"I really don't care," said senior Ben Debus in a monotone.

"Also," continued Headmaster Shelton with a merry twinkle in his eye whilst stroking his beard, "transportation will be provided to the event."

"I really don't care," said Debus again, prompting giggles from those around him.

"This also means that Apparition wards will be set up and no one can leave early in their own cars," Shelton continued, prompting every shallow male student who was hoping to get laid on prom night to groan.

"If my father knew about this!" senior Michael Hinojosa (pictured below) fumed.

"This is Voldemort's doing!" whispered one frustrated male student. The aforementioned dark lord (human name: Mr. Baldridge) smiled evilly as his translucent form slithered into the shadows.

In the meantime, Headmaster Shelton also announced that the revered Goblet of Fire would be used to select Prom King and Queen, but no one seemed too bothered by that, funnily enough.

"Hem, hem," said Hillcrest High Inquisitor Mrs. McNutt, garnering the attention of the crowd. "Only one guest per student will be allowed. So that means no more than one date."

"WHAT!" screamed notorious playboy Kevin Latta, who was subsequently subdued with a Stunning Spell.

"But no kids from Woodrow, they steal stuff," clarified McNutt, who also confirmed rumors that she would be attending prom as Michael Harrison's date. "Tickets for prom are $55, except for Highland Park kids. Tell them tickets are $200. That's chump change for them."

Upon news of the ticket prices, several Hillcrest students sold their younger siblings to pay for tickets. At press time it was not known whether these transactions went through or not.

Headmaster Shelton then revealed transportation for the event. Before this was done, students had expected anything: threstrals, flying ships, and possibly even school buses. What they hadn't expected, however, was an armored car.

"We take security of our students very seriously here," said Deputy Headmaster Cuevas, on his first day back at school after a vicious surprise attack by graffiti artists. (The Cyclone is pleased to report that Mr. Cuevas's face is only slightly purple and the blue stains on his hands are hardly noticeable anymore.) "These vans come with a machine gunner, which is just great, and a complex video camera system that we have no intention of using. I would like to note that anyone who brings iPods/iPhones, cell phones, or Weasley Wizarding Wheezes products will be shot upon entry, as will anyone without a ticket."

The twinkle in Headmaster Shelton's eyes disappeared and he began mouthing the words, "Not true!" and shaking his head so frantically that his merry beard almost fell off.

"Also," continued a pleased Mr. Cuevas, "I have been informed that these cars are nearly graffiti-proof."

Whether this last claim is true is debatable since the clear message, "(expletive) you Civas (sic)," was spray-painted on the cars not fifteen minutes later in neon green.

Headmaster Shelton avoided any questions about underclassman attending, although he did say that only fourth years and above would be allowed. Rumor has it that famous frisbee star/rapper Austin Holmes, better known by his stage name of F.O.F., would be performing a set at the event, but Holmes's reps declined comment and Holmes merely informed us to "check my stats at checkmystats.me" and sadly it appeared upon further investigation that he really wasn't kidding, negating any excitement for his appearance.

Hillcrest ~~Yule Ball~~ Prom will be on May 2, 2009.

-

Austin Holmes is the Cockiest Kid Around [FOF Official Blog]

Quote of the Day

2009-04-09T22:49:00.007-05:00

Taken from an actual rough draft of a newspaper story. (Click for zoomed-in view.)

"Although my recent visit for a first taste ever at one of their hot dogs."

Fine journalism, folks. Fine journalism.

Hillcrest Teacher Holds Grudges? You Be the Judge

2009-04-08T20:24:00.003-05:00

In a recent confession to her first period class, AP English teacher Dr. McGaffey has openly admitted to having a "Hit List." What this means I am not sure of, but The Cyclone has gained exclusive rights to a document with the details of this list.

Obviously the Hit List (pictured) is rather clear about its intentions. At The Cyclone, we have been speculating why McGaffey would have wanted to put a "hit" on these persons or entities.

1. Kevin Latta- The soccer-playing joker who is possibly one of McGaffeys deepest arch-rivals. Latta has been known to interrupt class regularly with pithy comments on the text and ruin soliloquies with his ironic deliveries, as well as inverting the titles of popular John Milton epics. In response, McGaffey moves him around regularly to prevent him from talking, which only leads to him talking louder, and the rivalry has reached a boiling point.

"Dr. McGoofy," drawled Latta in his typically drawn-out speech pattern during a recent class, "I was just wondering if you think Milton secretly enjoyed writing about the sexual activities of those gods. I think he did."

"Kevin, you're moving," McGaffey replied. "I am about to lose my cool with you."

"Whoa, whoa, chill out, D.R.M.C.G.," said Latta, but McGaffey did not chill out.

"Kevin, I wouldn't mind it if you just left," she said.

"Okay, sweet," he said, and he did.

2. The media- Anything other than English literature can burn.

3. Erik Severson- The Cyclone founder/editor has recently peeved McGaffey to the brim. Due to my nine absences in her first period, D-Mac revealed her "list" to the students as she placed me on it. She then proceeded to read out every single absence I have had. In quote of Jonah Hill, "I'm a senior, they should be suckin' on my [expletive]."

As quoted on the day of my ninth absence, "Erik Severson is on my hit list. He's in real trouble with me and I'm going to make sure he pays," she said with a menacing glare at my empty desk.

Grudge?

4. Albus Dumbledore- The elderly wizard and Dr. McGaffey have had a rough relationship throughout time. After decades of dating the two parted ways, probably due to the fact the long-distance relationship between Hillcrest and Hogwarts wasn't working. In addition to a lover's grudge, Dumbledore is in the book Harry Potter, a much despised piece of writing by McGaffey, who will kill anyone who uses it on the AP Literature exam.

Maybe, just maybe, McGaffey has successfully launched her first attack. Dumbledore is the only person on this list who has actually died. Coincidence? Maybe it wasn't Snape after all...

5. Jake Sherrington- Kevin Latta's counterpart in interruption and anger-causing. By constantly referring to her as "Doctor" and "Miss," Sherrington is a clear candidate for a "hit." She has all of the tell-tale signs of a devious plot against Sherrington. She has even gone so far as to "scuff his kicks."

Sherrington could not be reached for comment, but The Cyclone was lucky enough to recover one of his papers containing his class notes from his English class. It read, "Man, dis lady iz crazy. She don't know wut she be talkin bout. She don't kno me. She don't kno where I be from."

6. Tardies- This "hit" has caused questioning throughout The Cyclone. None of us are quite sure how to kill an idea that doesn't physically exist, but McGaffey seems to have some sort of deeper knowledge of magic that could've possibly been picked up in her time with Dumbledore. She has a blatant hatred of tardiness, and it's only time until they are next.

Dr. McGaffey... more akin to Dr. Frankenstein or Dr. Zhivago? You decide.

Image of the Day

2009-04-08T11:58:00.002-05:00

Because sometimes taking notes is overrated.

Mr. Baldridge Hates Life in General

2009-04-06T22:31:00.011-05:00

CYCLONE NEWS
Jeff Wilke

Biology and AP Environmental Science teacher Mr. Baldridge has recently displayed his disgust at the state of his life in general.

"I am sick of all this [expletive]," Mr. Baldridge was heard saying before a recent 4th period class. "I did not sign on for this. Screw you, Drew, stop talking to me."

Needless to say Mr. Baldridge's students were stunned.

"I can't believe Baldy would just be so rude and callous," junior Drew Vine said. "Usually that's
my job. I think Baldy's having some real personal issues."

Other Hillcrest students agree.

"Yes," said senior Andrew Asay before he was even asked a question. He then shyly giggled and turned away, confirming the Cyclone's suspicions that students are worried about Mr. Baldridge.

Mr. Baldridge is known for his fondness toward the environment, his use of Dr. Seuss children's books rather than scientific text books, and his pale, deathlike skin that at times is transparent. Recently, however, he has shooed away students and staff alike, leading some to believe that serious plots are afoot.

"I think Baldridge is planning a coup of the school," said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "He's always displayed a tendency toward the melodramatic and he'd make a really good evil overlord since he already kind of looks like a zombie."

He has also resorted to threatening his students with such horrific offenses as poo dollars and upper deckers if they don't pass their AP exams.

"He said that we'd go to the zoo," complained senior Avery Bul. "We haven't!"

"Mr. Baldridge [lied and I hate him forever and I wonder if he] is all right," said senior Jenny Davenport.

"I hate Mondays," Mr. Baldridge said when asked for comment. "Go away before I smack you silly."

[At least 5% of this report is true. The names of the classes he teaches are right, at least.]

Hello Friend

2009-04-06T21:55:00.006-05:00

Let me start off by saying hello from us at The Cyclone. We hope to make this news source as entertaining as possible. Now that that's done, let's expose some controversy.

DISCLAIMER- Stories are not necessarily true, most are fabrications for giggles. Please, do not take anything we do seriously. Thanks betches.