HHS Holds First-Ever Good, Christian Prom

Hillcrest High School Promenade: '09 Edition was many things. Classy. Pimp-tight. Surprisingly clean for a warehouse. Awfully crazy, I wish I'd taped it.

Add "moral" to that list.

"I just am so pleased to announce that for the first time in the history of high school proms, a high school - Hillcrest itself! - has held a prom night during which no one got wasted!" enthused Hillcrest Youth Moral Superiority chairman Andrew Asay in a recent statement. (Here Asay giggles.) "And no one got laid!"

Unfortunately for the male population, at least one of those charges might hold true.

"Unwilling abstinence is still abstinence," Asay later clarified.

The veracity of Chairman Asay's claims is uncertain, although many seniors did comment on the unusual prom afterparties. While prom is usually famous for its fun-filled late-night activities of dubious (at best) legality, most parties this year seemed to focus on board games, watching parties of The Chronicles of Narnia and Passion of the Christ, and group Bible sessions.

"It was really uncomfortable for me personally and religiously," said senior Josh Fein, cofounder of the popular Facebook group, Jewish GANGSTAS! "Hey, do you want to hear a Jew joke?"

After avoiding one of Fein's infamous degrading jokes, the Cyclone returned to Chairman Asay for further comments.

"Really, I think we all needed to reaffirm our belief in God after those god-awful (pun intended) karaoke performances," Asay said. "I organized this so that people would know that there's hope at the end of the tunnel. So that people would know what college is like. College is one big youth Bible group study session. At least that's what I've been told."

Rumors abound that Young Atheist Club President Michael Hinojosa plans to sue HHS for violations of the establishment clause of the Constitution, but that could just be me showing off that knowledge I put to work today on the US Gov AP test.

Promenade Photoroll

These are the few a few classy pictures of The Cyclone in action.

Jeff W and I discussing this photo Cyclone matters with the Prime Minister of Papua New Guinea (not pictured).


What an unfortunate turn of events for Jeff. Swine Flu strikes again.


"His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." Matthew 28:3 (Archangel Kevin Latta pictured above)


Well, it's Monday. [expletive]

PROM WEEKEND

Everyone have a fun weekend. We got prom, should be a little ridiculous, and AP tests start up shortly after. Hope all Friday nights went well and we leave you with this for the weekend:

Hillcrest High School and the Prom of Secrets

Quite a kerfluffle was caused today when it was announced that the location of prom would be kept secret until the day of the event.

"I know this will just make you more inquisitive, but we will not release the location of prom until May 2nd, the day of prom," stated Headmaster Shelton at the Opening Feast of Hogwarts a senior assembly. "Suffice it to say that it will be a magical night."

Needless to say this caused quite a din of excitement and confusion in the Great Hall - er, auditorium.

"I really don't care," said senior Ben Debus in a monotone.

"Also," continued Headmaster Shelton with a merry twinkle in his eye whilst stroking his beard, "transportation will be provided to the event."

"I really don't care," said Debus again, prompting giggles from those around him.

"This also means that Apparition wards will be set up and no one can leave early in their own cars," Shelton continued, prompting every shallow male student who was hoping to get laid on prom night to groan.

"If my father knew about this!" senior Michael Hinojosa (pictured below) fumed.



"This is Voldemort's doing!" whispered one frustrated male student. The aforementioned dark lord (human name: Mr. Baldridge) smiled evilly as his translucent form slithered into the shadows.

In the meantime, Headmaster Shelton also announced that the revered Goblet of Fire would be used to select Prom King and Queen, but no one seemed too bothered by that, funnily enough.

"Hem, hem," said Hillcrest High Inquisitor Mrs. McNutt, garnering the attention of the crowd. "Only one guest per student will be allowed. So that means no more than one date."

"WHAT!" screamed notorious playboy Kevin Latta, who was subsequently subdued with a Stunning Spell.

"But no kids from Woodrow, they steal stuff," clarified McNutt, who also confirmed rumors that she would be attending prom as Michael Harrison's date. "Tickets for prom are $55, except for Highland Park kids. Tell them tickets are $200. That's chump change for them."

Upon news of the ticket prices, several Hillcrest students sold their younger siblings to pay for tickets. At press time it was not known whether these transactions went through or not.

Headmaster Shelton then revealed transportation for the event. Before this was done, students had expected anything: threstrals, flying ships, and possibly even school buses. What they hadn't expected, however, was an armored car.



"We take security of our students very seriously here," said Deputy Headmaster Cuevas, on his first day back at school after a vicious surprise attack by graffiti artists. (The Cyclone is pleased to report that Mr. Cuevas's face is only slightly purple and the blue stains on his hands are hardly noticeable anymore.) "These vans come with a machine gunner, which is just great, and a complex video camera system that we have no intention of using. I would like to note that anyone who brings iPods/iPhones, cell phones, or Weasley Wizarding Wheezes products will be shot upon entry, as will anyone without a ticket."

The twinkle in Headmaster Shelton's eyes disappeared and he began mouthing the words, "Not true!" and shaking his head so frantically that his merry beard almost fell off.

"Also," continued a pleased Mr. Cuevas, "I have been informed that these cars are nearly graffiti-proof."

Whether this last claim is true is debatable since the clear message, "(expletive) you Civas (sic)," was spray-painted on the cars not fifteen minutes later in neon green.

Headmaster Shelton avoided any questions about underclassman attending, although he did say that only fourth years and above would be allowed. Rumor has it that famous frisbee star/rapper Austin Holmes, better known by his stage name of F.O.F., would be performing a set at the event, but Holmes's reps declined comment and Holmes merely informed us to "check my stats at checkmystats.me" and sadly it appeared upon further investigation that he really wasn't kidding, negating any excitement for his appearance.

Hillcrest Yule Ball Prom will be on May 2, 2009.

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Austin Holmes is the Cockiest Kid Around [FOF Official Blog]