HHS Holds First-Ever Good, Christian Prom

Hillcrest High School Promenade: '09 Edition was many things. Classy. Pimp-tight. Surprisingly clean for a warehouse. Awfully crazy, I wish I'd taped it.

Add "moral" to that list.

"I just am so pleased to announce that for the first time in the history of high school proms, a high school - Hillcrest itself! - has held a prom night during which no one got wasted!" enthused Hillcrest Youth Moral Superiority chairman Andrew Asay in a recent statement. (Here Asay giggles.) "And no one got laid!"

Unfortunately for the male population, at least one of those charges might hold true.

"Unwilling abstinence is still abstinence," Asay later clarified.

The veracity of Chairman Asay's claims is uncertain, although many seniors did comment on the unusual prom afterparties. While prom is usually famous for its fun-filled late-night activities of dubious (at best) legality, most parties this year seemed to focus on board games, watching parties of The Chronicles of Narnia and Passion of the Christ, and group Bible sessions.

"It was really uncomfortable for me personally and religiously," said senior Josh Fein, cofounder of the popular Facebook group, Jewish GANGSTAS! "Hey, do you want to hear a Jew joke?"

After avoiding one of Fein's infamous degrading jokes, the Cyclone returned to Chairman Asay for further comments.

"Really, I think we all needed to reaffirm our belief in God after those god-awful (pun intended) karaoke performances," Asay said. "I organized this so that people would know that there's hope at the end of the tunnel. So that people would know what college is like. College is one big youth Bible group study session. At least that's what I've been told."

Rumors abound that Young Atheist Club President Michael Hinojosa plans to sue HHS for violations of the establishment clause of the Constitution, but that could just be me showing off that knowledge I put to work today on the US Gov AP test.

Quote of the Day

Taken from an actual rough draft of a newspaper story. (Click for zoomed-in view.)







"Although my recent visit for a first taste ever at one of their hot dogs."

Fine journalism, folks. Fine journalism.

Mr. Baldridge Hates Life in General

CYCLONE NEWS
Jeff Wilke

Biology and AP Environmental Science teacher Mr. Baldridge has recently displayed his disgust at the state of his life in general.

"I am sick of all this [expletive]," Mr. Baldridge was heard saying before a recent 4th period class. "I did not sign on for this. Screw you, Drew, stop talking to me."

Needless to say Mr. Baldridge's students were stunned.

"I can't believe Baldy would just be so rude and callous," junior Drew Vine said. "Usually that's
my job. I think Baldy's having some real personal issues."

Other Hillcrest students agree.

"Yes," said senior Andrew Asay before he was even asked a question. He then shyly giggled and turned away, confirming the Cyclone's suspicions that students are worried about Mr. Baldridge.

Mr. Baldridge is known for his fondness toward the environment, his use of Dr. Seuss children's books rather than scientific text books, and his pale, deathlike skin that at times is transparent. Recently, however, he has shooed away students and staff alike, leading some to believe that serious plots are afoot.

"I think Baldridge is planning a coup of the school," said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "He's always displayed a tendency toward the melodramatic and he'd make a really good evil overlord since he already kind of looks like a zombie."

He has also resorted to threatening his students with such horrific offenses as poo dollars and upper deckers if they don't pass their AP exams.

"He said that we'd go to the zoo," complained senior Avery Bul. "We haven't!"

"Mr. Baldridge [lied and I hate him forever and I wonder if he] is all right," said senior Jenny Davenport.

"I hate Mondays," Mr. Baldridge said when asked for comment. "Go away before I smack you silly."

[At least 5% of this report is true. The names of the classes he teaches are right, at least.]