Tomorrow shall be epic. Tomorrow will be the first day that Hillcrest will have to go without Jeff Wilke and Erik Severson in four years
So, our final few stories from the outgoing seniors, meaning me since Erik is lazy as hell. (Expect something about graduation, especially if Jake streaks.)
MATTIA FLABIANO, OTHERS BLANKED AT HILLCREST SENIOR AWARDS
Recently, Hillcrest hosted its annual senior awards banquet, honoring the hard work of its senior class, plus the mediocre work that mainly was the norm over the last four years at HHS. Awards were extensive, ranging from scholarship offers to specific subject awards to awards for something called "character," which according to one source in the know, "is a term we use to make people feel better about themselves."
Oddsmakers had covered the event, and had Mattia Flabiano and Ross Shwarts as the two-to-one favorites in the Science category, for starters. In fact, Flabiano was a favorite in many categories, but much like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, his many nominations led to naught at the actual ceremony.
"I'm stunned," said a visibly flustered Flabiano after the ceremony. "I just don't understand how Mattia Flabiano got blanked. Mattia Flabiano is the best in the business, see? If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."
According to the reports, Flabiano tried to rush the stage when he failed to receive an award for Outstanding Math student, but Navy SEAL Chase McLean tackled him against the stairs and held him in place until security could be called in to restrain him.
But the surprises weren't done. In perhaps the biggest shocker of the night, Hillcrest heartthrob Ryan Callender lost out in the Best Hair category to dark horse nominee Hugo Calderon.
"I'm surprised," said hair analyst and Hillcrest senior Abraham Juarez, who pulled himself out of contention days before the awards show to rest his hair for the Hair Modeling League Playoffs, beginning June 2nd. "Callender has the long flowing hair that judges tend to like, but Calderon was always the guy who could bring him down. That guy's hair is insane."
Calderon didn't notice he had won, as he was busy with his phone throughout the ceremony, and had to be led onstage by friends and family.
All things said and done, the show went smoothly, as your friendly neighborhood Cyclone founders picked up a couple awards, whether it was a scholarship for Mr. HHS or the Silver Crest award. Voting for Best Earthly Human ended in a tie, with the Cycloners sharing the award with LeBron James, who took a flight down to Dallas in between getting his [expletive] handed to him by the Orlando Magic.
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HUMAN RIGHTS EXPERTS ACCUSE HILLCREST OF SUPPRESSING DEMOCRACY
In a stunning turn yesterday, the UN placed sanctions on Hillcrest High School for, in the words of the UN press release, "suppressing and subverting the democratic process in student-body elections."
Headmaster Ronald Jones denied comment, except to say that, "Hillcrest is seriously looking to these allegations and speaking with the Mock Trial team for legal advice."
Specifically, the UN is concerned about the elections held for StuCo this year - or the lack thereof, more specifically.
"We have evidence that purports that elections weren't even held at Hillcrest High School," said UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon. "Obviously we feel that sanctions are necessary."
The official UN report cites the fact that while elections weren't held, positions were handed out by the StuCo incumbents. In particular, Taylor Hinojosa received a high-ranking position while his brother was StuCo president. Coincidence?
"We were concerned about the Hinojosa regime from the beginning," said
Michael Hinojosa didn't have anything to say about the sanctions, although he did want to warn kids that "snitches get stitches."
The Obama administration was disturbed to the point of holding a press conference over the issue.
"Obviously we're worried about these recent reports and the recent sanctions by the UN, especially considering that we've been stationed inside Hillcrest for the last five years," said President Obama during the press conference, which would explain the fact that Marines have been wandering the halls since Dr. Crawford came to HHS. (People were kind of wondering about that.) "We still maintain our goal of withdrawing from Hillcrest within the next eighteen months, although we obviously need to make sure there's stability within the region. We do feel that progress is being made, although progress is a slow and difficult journey."
Several political commentators have emphasized the seriousness of the situation by the fact that President Obama held a press conference on the issue at a time when North Korea is having nuclear tests and training Super-Saiyans.
"It's a mess," said an anonymous former interim principal at HHS. "But it's Jones's problem now. Let this be a lesson to all you kids: hit it and quit it!"
