Breaking News: Austin Holmes's Ownage Is At 1,000,000 Hit Points

According to recent claims, Austin Holmes (also known by his alter ego, F.O.F.) has now approached "ownage" levels of 1,000,000, and claims to be growing stronger every day.

Holmes's unprecedented ascension has given some State Department officials pause.

"We've never seen a force rise so quickly," said an anonymous aide to Secretary of State Clinton. "This is a game-changing moment in the history of American diplomacy."

Also adding to White House fears is the fact that Holmes's "beastness" and "all other skills" stats have also reached 1,000,000 hit points. His "Scoring T.D.s," "breaking ankles," and "Speed cuts" stats have also surpassed the benchmark, although some State Department and Hillcrest officials have privately doubted the validity of those particular statistics.

"We are not scrubs," said one Hillcrest Frisbee team member upon learning that Holmes had added the entire Frisbee team to his ownage list. "Well, when Wright's not injuring himself, anyway."

Holmes has also contrarily claimed to have ownage levels of 10,000,000, although officials from the Obama team believe this just to be a typo.

"Whatever his ownage levels, this is a worrisome development," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs in a press conference this morning. "The President is monitoring the situtation closely."

CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was also outspoken about the issue.

"The ownage levels aren't what surprise me," he said when reached by the Cyclone for comment. "It's the fact that Holmes claims he's in Beast Mode 99.9% of the time he's awake. The average human being is only in Beast Mode 1.2% of the time. His beastliness is nearly 100 fold that of you or me!"

Worse, this development goes hand in hand with the nuclear tests recently undergone by the North Koreans. The White House worries that this confluence of rising powers could undermine U.S. hegemony throughout the world, particularly if Holmes's ownage levels rise high enough for him to ascend to Super Saiyan levels.

"A 16-year-old Super Saiyan and North Korea with nuclear capabilities?" groused an official at a recent White House meeting. "Say it ain't so, Joe."

"It ain't so," said Joe Biden obliviously.

Doubts about Holmes's potential for Super Saiyan power have been unfortunately tempered with Holmes's recent acquisition of a mohawk, which is usually an indicator of Super Saiyan transformation, or at least powerful Saiyan magic.

















Obviously the similarity is stunning, and disconcerting.

On the bright side, beyond his supreme ownage abilities, Holmes seems to have taken the transition from mere mortal to supreme beastly god in stride, still acting just like any other kid as he shows YouTube watchers around his mansion, playfully displaying his 73" flat screen, his Hummer, and proudly displaying his support for PETA spokesman Michael Vick. And that elevator is really nifty too.