Hillcrest Cyclone: As Popular As Congress

Here at the Cyclone we are, as you all know, political high rollers, as evidenced by our connections to the kingdom of DISD, the administration of Headmaster Shelton, Jeff's mom being in charge of every freaking senior activity and Erik's mom being treasurer for every freaking senior activity and our inside track with both Chairman Asay of the Youth Moral Superiority group and Voldemort. And, of course, our status as the number one subjective news source for all of Hillcrest, although the sports section of the Hurricane comes close on occasion. (Just kidding, Patrick.)

It doesn't hurt that we're rolling in the dough, either. So when Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson and myself were invited to a Democratic party function thanks to the esteemed Friend of the Cyclone Paul Stanley, we figured the Dems were a little strapped for cash and media coverage and could use our help, so we quickly accepted. (Plus it was better than studying for AP Government.)

When we got to the function, we were immediately impressed. This get-together was held at a mansion comparable to Hogwarts, and they had these chocolates that were completely baller. Like the good socialites we schmoozed with Sheriff Lupe Valdez and DA Craig Watkins, just in case we ever do anything illegal and actually get caught this time. We also peer pressured Cyclone guest writer Mattia Flabiano into making a college decision, but the real party started with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed up.

When we met her, she pretended like she didn't know us, probably so the other socialites didn't feel jealous of our mad skillz. She was impressed with our college choices - Harvard, Brown, Virginia, Michigan, and in particular, Missouri, which she noted "had good sports." We're assuming she was about to praise Mizzou's academic qualities as well, but someone else went and grabbed her after a group photo and we didn't see her again until she spoke to the group.



So she spoke, and afterward came straight over to us young dudes to talk to us about politics, life, and the like. (This part isn't even a lie!) We pressed her on her views of the Cyclone.

JEFF: So I imagine you could use some good media coverage.
PELOSI: Haha, the media is always very interesting. They've got a difficult job.
ERIK: And some do it better than others. Like us. You've heard of the Hillcrest Cyclone, I assume.
PELOSI: ...perhaps, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.
ERIK: No matter. We're more of an underground news source. However, we're still very successful, if you understand where I'm going.
PELOSI: ...
JEFF: What we're saying is that we've got money. And prestige. We can get you some good coverage, and donate to the party using some PACs and 527s, which we learned about in Government.
ERIK: All we're asking for is a personal endorsement of the Cyclone. We'd like to be congressionally approved.
PELOSI: Um, that's very nice, boys. You're very smart young men, it seems, and Brown is a good school. And Missouri has good sports. Oh, what about you? *points to Michael Hinojosa*
MICHAEL: Nancy Pelosi. My father has told me all about you, of course.

End conversation.

So, as you can tell, it's official: THE HILLCREST CYCLONE IS APPROVED BY CONGRESS.

Which probably isn't saying much at the moment, but suck it, other DISD underground satire blogs! SUCK IT.

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More Photos of Us Schmoozing

Uh Oh, We Talked About the Fight Club

Back in the day, Hillcrest used to be pretty tame. Sure, there was the occasional evacuation of the school due to multiple fights/riots/rap battles and the ensuing release of mace into the school's ventilation system, but what school doesn't have those occasional slip-ups? It's not like we were South Oak Cliff cage fighters.

But at Hillcrest we're all about constant progress, and occasionally linear regression into Neanderthal-like beings.

Confused? Lie down with an ice cold glass of tea (two sugars, none of that Splenda crap) and let the Cyclone educate you.

AP testing is tough. At the Cyclone we fully understand that. But while your honorable Cyclone narrators may engage in a Pokemon battle or write silly fake news articles to avoid studying blow off steam, other HHS kids have a new tactic: fighting.

According to occasionally reliable sources, there have been, like, 12 or 13 fights this week. And a stabbing.

Suck it, SOC!!!!!

"It's easily explained," said senior Jonathan Wilson. "As president of the Hillcrest Fight Club, we try to encourage positive reinforcement and a good way to vent frustration through our coordinated fights. Obviously, some of our members have taken that a bit too far, which is regrettable. Although I would like to mention that Fight Club members are 7-0-1 against non-FC members, with 4 KOs."



Other students have verified the Fight Club's record.

"I saw one fight where the FC dude just beat the crap out of this lame-o sophomore," said freshman Jesse Degani by phone from his seat in Mr. Baldridge's Environmental Science class. "The sophomore got some good licks in and the judges gave the FC fighter a split decision, but it should've been unanimous. His right jab was phenomenal."

The administration was less enthused about the recent fights.

"I just would like to encourage students not to beat each other silly," said Headmaster Shelton. (Future Headmaster Jones could not be reached at press time.) "And if you do have to beat each other silly, use those silly Roc'Em Soc'Em gloves. Not knives. I would really like to discourage knife usage. And no katanas, either, for anyone who saw Wolverine last Friday."

The fighting spirit has really taken root in the HHS population, though. A record 20 wizard duels are scheduled for tomorrow afternoon on the practice football field.

"My father has taught me some great spells," boasted valedictorian Michael Hinojosa. "I'd say my magic's just about on Dr. McGaffey's level by now."



(Full disclosure: Cyclone writer Jeff Wilke, aka Voldemort, will not be taking part in the dueling tomorrow, as he has tested positive for a banned substance known as HRX [commonly referred to as "horcruxes"].)

This is a developing story, and we will keep you updated. (Tips are appreciated. Email us or just comment.)

The Cyclone would like to remind students that fighting is against HHS policy, and that students could get seriously hurt, or worse - expelled.