Teacher Formally known as Mr. Wright

As we all know Mr. James Wright left Hillcrest after this past semester. But does anyone know the actual reason behind this? A message from Wright has surfaced and it is our duty to report.

Ladies and Gents, the Cyclone is back.

"I don't have much time to talk, I have been dodging them for weeks now but every day they get closer and closer to finding me. I am so scared of what they might do if they catch me (sniff, sniff). I have heard rumors and horror stories that short Italian men with chest hair exploding from their white tank tops tie you in a chair and shout, “Howz you doing, eh howz you doing” over and over again until their thick Yankee accents break you down. When I come back, IF I make it back to Dallas wearing New York Yankees and Giants gear, you will know I was broken. But for now, I will try to be strong and tell the world why I am here. Someone has to keep the message alive.

As many of you know, I have left the concrete jungle of Dallas for the booming metropolis of Brookfield, Connecticut. But what most of you don't know, is that I was ordered here by the Hillcrest Administration during the reign of Marty Crawford. (Laughing to myself), I remember the day he recruited me for this assignment like it was yesterday. The sun was shining, someone was smoking out in the bathroom, and students were eating in my room and leaving their trash on the desks when Principal Crawford (he wasn't a Dr. yet) threw open the door and said “Mr Wright, I need you in my office..now”. Being a diligent follower of all DISD policies I went into his office immediately...only to be horrified at what I saw. In his office was a message, written in Columbia blue and Cardinal red, was one name....Thomas Jefferson!!! Marty turned, faced me, and with a determined glare said, “This [expletive] ends today! I don't know who these Founding Fathers are, but so help me Lord Almighty we will track them down and bust this gang up. Mr. Wright, I am putting you in charge of this. I want the Founding Fathers found, and eliminated”. I knew he was serious, I read the student code of conduct policy on gangs...ZERO TOLERANCE! Oh man I wanted the Founding Fathers to pay, I mean to deface school property that like, GOD have they no soul? How could they not care about Hillcrest and Panther Pride? But I swallowed my anger and used it to fuel my determination, to bring these powdered headed, wooden teethed Yankees to justice.

But it was difficult to get started, the only solid Intel we had was that the headquarters of these Founding Fathers (or F^2 as I call them) were located somewhere on the east coast. I needed our own set of spies to track them down. What I did next, is unforgivable and I apologize, now, as I let my zeal blind me to what I was doing. I would give the whole world, the whole freaking world to take back what we did. I just cant live with this guilt any longer and must get the truth out into the open. I needed spies, so I bribed student after student into Ivy League and East Coast Schools. There were so many students and the bribes were so expensive that it collapsed the DISD budget which in turn brought America's economic recession. I was just so determined to get our spies in everywhere that I didn't even think about the future DISD generations. I wish my admission of guilt ended there, but it doesn't, oh no, its far from over."

Wright's message abruptly ended here. When more data comes to light the Cyclone will be sure to report it to the world.

On the Recent Rumors...

As some of you may be aware, in the last weeks there have been rumors about my true identity. Naturally, these rumors reached me and disturbed my friends and family.

They would say to me: "Jeff, is this true? Are you really the Darkest wizard Britain has seen in four centuries?"

Or: "But your name isn't even Tom Riddle! There's no possible way you can be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

There were many things I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "Of course not, I'm the Darkest wizard of all time I am no Dark wizard!" or "You're right, there is no possible way that I am connected with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." But there comes a certain point where it just hurts to lie to others, particularly those close to you... and a certain point where you realize that you're just lying to yourself.

People have always laughed at me and called me names and said, "Dude, you really need to come out of the closet." I never knew what they meant, but now I do, because I realize how obvious my condition has been to everyone. So I am coming out of the closet - the metaphorical closet of villains.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to face the truth.

I am Lord Voldemort.

You may doubt my claims, to which I say - phah, foolish Muggle! But if you want visual proof, just look at this:




Notice the stunning lack of any sort of nose, as already indicated by several commentators, and also the odd, blueish skin tone. Also, as everyone knows, I am possibly more well-versed in magic than anyone in Hillcrest history, other than perhaps Headmaster Shelton. Honestly, I don't know how you guys missed this. I've been busy making Horcruxes since 9th grade. What else am I supposed to do for those 6 hours of waiting after finishing TAKS?

Now that I'm officially out in the open, it's time for the Reign of Terror to begin. You may have noticed some odd occurrences in the past few days, and it's time to put the rumors to rest: yes, I was involved in the hocus pocus and mischief going on at Hillcrest on Tuesday, April 21, 2009. While I may have been in Rhode Island on a "college visit" (in actuality I was scoping out dungeons - the housing crisis has made high-scale dungeons vastly more affordable for first-time buyers like myself), that doesn't mean that I was out of the picture. No, it was I who started that fight: my Death Eaters used some well-placed Confundus charms to trick those girls into fighting, and several other well-placed jinxes made the ensuing riot(s) a cinch.

It's come to my attention that Mohammed Talib's faction has claimed responsibility for this attack on Hillcrest, and to this I say phah! once more. Mohammed Talib is a weakling. Know this, Panthers: I will find you. I will capture you. And I will Crucio you. I have Crucio stats of 240,367,892.

IT HAS BEGUN.

Cyclone Movie Review: "Response to the Cyclone"

Check My Stats Films has released it's first blockbuster production, a dramatic thriller named, "Response to the Cyclone." Here it is folks.


Lead actor Austin Holmes along with his supporting cast consisting of Zach Anderson, give a compelling performance filled with drama, action, and a tad bit of comedy. The plot of the film is directed around the validity of Holmes' "stats." In response to this post, Holmes and Anderson try to make clear to their "audience" that they need to "check his stats."

The repetition of this phrase really gives the movie meaning, a meaning the viewer won't forget.

Now let's get to the grades:

PLOT
3 out of 5- I really understood what the two boys were trying to get across, the problem is, I think I understood about 9 times during the course of the video. I feel like there was a tad bit of existential angst in the script, and I believe that carried over to the plot. All in all, it was a good start for Check My Stats Films.

ACTING
4.5 out of 5- A true awe-striking performance from lead man Austin Holmes proved to his readership that he in fact, does know how to act. His mix of strong words and emotions paired with his overpowering physical actions truly want to make anybody who watches this piece of film to go "check his stats." Although Zach Anderson doesn't bring to the table what Holmes does, he establishes himself early as the "Crunching King," in this case, the man behind the man.

CAMERAWORK
1 out of 5- Very weak audio and a shaky hand manning the camera. Quite unfortunate. It's definitely something Check My Stats Films can work on.

PROPS
4 out of 5- In order to establish himself as a "number-cruncher," Zach Anderson plays the role of the geeky-genius type, and does so through the use of his 1970's eyeglasses and his handy calculator. Well done, I must say. In Holmes' case, the "hawk" and gel helps the reader understand just how high his stats are, something he wanted to make clear. That is not all Holmes is sporting though. The Cyclone has spotted a scarf that Holmes appears to be wearing throughout the entire video, a scarf that is known to represent Mohammed Talib/Matthew Talley's regime. Could there be a link between Check My Stats and Mohammed Talib?

Not a bad first film, but there's room for improvement. The Cyclone has no information on when "Response to the Cyclone" will be released on DVD.

It's Official: The Hillcrest Cyclone Shocks/Awes/Induces Readers to Tears of Joy

Let the New Age of Media begin.

The Hillcrest Cyclone has recently been named the best blog ever by D Magazine's FrontBurner blog.

"It's about time," said Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson. "We've been writing quality news stories for almost two weeks, and it's nice to finally get a smidgeon of the appreciation we rightfully deserve."

As you will notice at the bottom of the main page, we at the Cyclone have installed a visitor counter to mathematically quantify our dominance over other blog-type things. Already the Cyclone has gained 12,000,712 hits at the time of this post, meaning that the counter couldn't even keep up with our site traffic since it didn't have enough digits.

"The Hillcrest Cyclone has already become the second-most read blog of all time at Blogger behind a blog by a 20-year-old unemployed artist from Brooklyn," said an official statement from Pyra Labs, creators and maintainers of blogspot.com, the site that hosts the Cyclone. "We're somewhat unused to creativity and pure genius when it comes to blogging, but we're working around the clock here to make sure that our servers don't crash from the exponentially increasing traffic the Cyclone will surely enjoy as news of its beastliness spreads across the land."

Interestingly, officials from Hillcrest High School's "official" newspaper, the Hillcrest Hurricane, have refused to comment.

"That's pretty standard," said Cyclone co-founder Jeff Wilke, a handsome individual with untameable hair and the smile of a god. "The Cyclone usually inspires respectful silence in its readers and amongst the proletariat."

The Cyclone's sudden and much deserved upswing in popularity has shocked the newspaper industry. Already the Boston Globe has announced it is folding its operations and rebranding itself as a blog (The Boston Typhoon), hiring Cyclone editor Drew Vine as editor-in-chief for the new blog.

"Basically they saw how much the Cyclone rocked," Vine explained by phone, ignoring the fact that he hasn't even written a story for the Cyclone. "As much as I hate to leave the best blog ever, they're paying me a lot of money, so... Yeah. I'm going to go with money over loyalty any day."

Other rumors persist, but Cyclone editors would like to establish that, contrary to the latest gossip, there are no plans to change the site domain to checkourstats.us. However, the Cyclone's success has rapidly changed the lives of cofounders Severson and Wilke.

"All the colleges that denied us [the] first go 'round have sent us formal letters of apology," said Severson. "They just wanted us to know that we are wonderful people and they're sorry that their admissions offices screwed up and mixed up our files with someone else's. We appreciated the gesture, and as a symbol of our appreciation will spend the next four years spreading voracious lies and harsh untruths about the colleges that originally denied us until they are forced to close their doors, a fate they justly deserve for their ignorance."

The Cyclone's growth as a trusted media source has also translated to growth as a business. As a result, Severson and Wilke are planning on cashing out selling off shares of the formerly private company, Hillcrest Cyclone Inc, to any gullible suckers who are easily scammed prospective investors.

"Business can only go up from here," said Wilke. "With the money we earn from selling off shares of our stock, we plan on buying up all other media sources, starting with the New York Times and the veritable News Corporation entities, until we have a completely unlawful media monopoly and are in a position to control public sentiment and mentality."

Shares are $20 apiece, cash only. Payment can be delivered to Mr. Baldridge's fourth period class, portable five.

Breaking News: Austin Holmes's Ownage Is At 1,000,000 Hit Points

According to recent claims, Austin Holmes (also known by his alter ego, F.O.F.) has now approached "ownage" levels of 1,000,000, and claims to be growing stronger every day.

Holmes's unprecedented ascension has given some State Department officials pause.

"We've never seen a force rise so quickly," said an anonymous aide to Secretary of State Clinton. "This is a game-changing moment in the history of American diplomacy."

Also adding to White House fears is the fact that Holmes's "beastness" and "all other skills" stats have also reached 1,000,000 hit points. His "Scoring T.D.s," "breaking ankles," and "Speed cuts" stats have also surpassed the benchmark, although some State Department and Hillcrest officials have privately doubted the validity of those particular statistics.

"We are not scrubs," said one Hillcrest Frisbee team member upon learning that Holmes had added the entire Frisbee team to his ownage list. "Well, when Wright's not injuring himself, anyway."

Holmes has also contrarily claimed to have ownage levels of 10,000,000, although officials from the Obama team believe this just to be a typo.

"Whatever his ownage levels, this is a worrisome development," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs in a press conference this morning. "The President is monitoring the situtation closely."

CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was also outspoken about the issue.

"The ownage levels aren't what surprise me," he said when reached by the Cyclone for comment. "It's the fact that Holmes claims he's in Beast Mode 99.9% of the time he's awake. The average human being is only in Beast Mode 1.2% of the time. His beastliness is nearly 100 fold that of you or me!"

Worse, this development goes hand in hand with the nuclear tests recently undergone by the North Koreans. The White House worries that this confluence of rising powers could undermine U.S. hegemony throughout the world, particularly if Holmes's ownage levels rise high enough for him to ascend to Super Saiyan levels.

"A 16-year-old Super Saiyan and North Korea with nuclear capabilities?" groused an official at a recent White House meeting. "Say it ain't so, Joe."

"It ain't so," said Joe Biden obliviously.

Doubts about Holmes's potential for Super Saiyan power have been unfortunately tempered with Holmes's recent acquisition of a mohawk, which is usually an indicator of Super Saiyan transformation, or at least powerful Saiyan magic.

















Obviously the similarity is stunning, and disconcerting.

On the bright side, beyond his supreme ownage abilities, Holmes seems to have taken the transition from mere mortal to supreme beastly god in stride, still acting just like any other kid as he shows YouTube watchers around his mansion, playfully displaying his 73" flat screen, his Hummer, and proudly displaying his support for PETA spokesman Michael Vick. And that elevator is really nifty too.