The Eyes of Missouri Are Upon You

And they can't help but be in awe.






















Jesus guys, it's the first week of school. Let's calm down a bit.

The Dallas Morning News Is Skeptical of This Whole "Facts" Business

In a stunning turn of events, the Dallas Morning News DISD blog made an updated post on the Michael Hinojosa (the Younger) soul-eating scandal, this time with statistics and actual facts.

Although the DMN is allergic to apologies, the post was much appreciated, especially since News 8 is apparently all over our [expletive] now. As an added bonus, Allen Gwinn from dallas.org promised more to come on the ASP story in the comments of the DISD blog entry, which means we'd probably best get back to work preparing our witty and gleefully irreverent retorts for the inevitable storm of manufactured controversy that is brewing.

Back to bed, children.

Dallas Morning News Special Report

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The Hillcrest Cyclone is excited to announce that we've gained the rights to a special sneak peek of an article that will be run in tomorrow's Dallas Morning News, as a follow-up to today's groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism covering Hillcrest's ASP program.

Enjoy.

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HILLCREST HIGH SCHOOL: A BOILING CESSPOOL OF CORRUPTION IN A LARGER CESSPOOL OF NEPOTISM AND EVILNESSA special feature by DMN reporter Rita Skeeter.
Hillcrest High School. A quaint, homely building on Hillcrest road - not particularly alluring, but not particularly repelling, either. Sure, the senior parking spaces could use repainting, and maybe the grass occasionally could use a mow, but it looks like a nice place to go to high school, make some friends, and get a great education.

This humble exterior is just a façade, a misdirection to hide the extreme source of evil within Hillcrest’s halls.

My colleague Ms. Stahl has already documented the nepotistic controversy at Hillcrest that is indicative of an underlying dark force surrounding HHS. Being the fine investigative reporter that I am, though, I decided to take a second look into Hillcrest and see what was really going on there.

First I met with Michael Martinez, director of operations for ASP, the service that the superintendent’s son allegedly – nay, I say, DEFINITELY AND KNOWINGLY – abused.

“Oh, that’s actually no big deal,” said a laughing Martinez when I spoke to him. “Part of what makes ASP great is the fact that we’ve got first-generation kids sitting next to kids from experienced college families, since we’ve seen in our work that having those latter kids as an example and those parents as a resource helps the program be more efficient. So really we were… hey, why are you writing down that I ‘confessed to killing numerous women and children to guarantee the superintendent’s son’s entry into the program?’ Hey, stop it! I didn’t say that!”

It became obvious that Mr. Martinez was a pathological liar/serial killer by his own admission and that he had nothing of value to say, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Like Anne Coulter exposing the moral decrepitude of anyone who isn’t Christian in her factually accurate and unbiased books and columns, or like the commenters on a Dallas Morning News blog whose comments get turned into stories on the front page of the Metro section a month later, I decided not to settle for the truth. I needed something more.

What I got, though, was something I never could have expected.

“The ASP controversy is just a ruse,” said my source within Hillcrest, who asked that he/she not be named. “This is a distraction for the news outlets, to draw them away from the big picture… how Michael Hinojosa (II) became valedictorian.”

I perked up, since all Dallas news reporters are trained to keep an ear out for any negative comments about DISD or the superintendent.

It turns out, according to my source – who, by the way, is extremely reliable, and has played Seeker on the Slytherin House Quidditch Team at Hogwarts Hillcrest for the last five years – that Mikey Jr actually gained his intelligence not by invading ASP and insisting that the program allocate all resources to him and him alone, but that he used some much more sinister means.

“Have you ever seen Heroes? It’s kind of like Sylar,” said my source, smoothing back his platinum blond hair. “The truth is, Michael Hinojosa isn’t very smart naturally. He gained his intelligence by eating the souls of his fellow students.”

I smiled devilishly, immediately knowing that this was why Harvard had admitted him, not because he had great test scores or extracurriculars or essays or a proven track record of leadership! Everyone knows that Harvard is a soul-crushing university. Their new student just took that tradition to a new extreme.

Predictably, this led to backlash on the Dallas Morning News DISD blog.

“What I want to know is whether DISD allocated any of these souls to schools other than Hillcrest,” said one commenter. “The kids at Samuell could really use some of these extra souls that Hinojosa’s been eating. Classic DISD elitism.”

“I don’t care about the souls,” said a commenter named, ‘Touch My Magnet School and I Will Kill You and Pillage Your House.’ “I just want to make sure that DISD isn’t taking any money from magnet schools to feed the superintendent’s son’s fetish, because if they do, all I can say is that us magnet parents are going to start blogging a lot about DISD, and it’s not going to be very nice! Take money from North Dallas and Woodrow – who cares about their kids anyway?”

I hear you, bloggers, parents, countrymen. I hear you. That’s why the Dallas Morning News has been reporting on this riveting information ever since Hinojosa got here. (And Moses. And so on and so on and so on.) Obviously, this shocking piece of news means that Jack Lowe should immediately step down, because I cannot think of anyone who is more responsible for this tragedy than him. Yes, let’s get rid of him. Wait, he’s not board president any more? Who is? Medrano? Okay, let’s get rid of him!

“This is sickening,” said another commenter named "Big Bird" on the message boards. “This is the final straw. I call for a full-scale investigation of Michael Hinojosa the Younger. How do we even know he graduated? I heard that he never even went to class and that he actually went to Jesuit but was put on Hillcrest enrollment as a political move. This is just sickening.”

It’s been a tough couple of months here at the News, as many of you know. Carla Ranger, the nominee we backed for DISD board president, didn’t make it, but on the bright side we’re still, in our role as an objective news source, pushing her to be named Defender of Justice, Harbinger of Truth, and Only Board Member We Like for the 2009-2010 school year. That coupled with Lord Medrano’s hostile coup and deadly takeover of the Board, plus this ASP/soul-eating business, has just pushed this senior reporter down in the dumps.

But then my fellow reporters pick me up and I realize how wonderful life is. Just look at the hard work our staff is doing. I’m particularly excited about the new feature we’ve debuted called “Hinny-Watch,” where we follow the superintendent’s son around as he does his daily business and make snide comments about his dad’s haircut. Good job so far, Lori!

When it comes down to it, what’s great about this newspaper is that, like in life, we have a choice. We have the choice to report on something substantive; to report from both sides of an issue; to give the readers maybe not what they want to hear but what they need to hear, not what sells papers but what makes them useful – or we can spend our time lambasting authority figures and trying to criticize eighteen-year-old kids (who never asked to be in the spotlight) on the front page of our newspaper. And I’m proud to say that we’ve modernized, that we’ve moved past outdated 20^th century concepts such as “truth” or “objectivity” or “reasonable amount of respect” and moved on to the new age of journalism, when posts are designed to gain comments bashing people who are honestly trying to make a difference.

Because that’s what life is about. Life is about having your hopes constantly crushed and eventually coming to realize that everything that seems good is bad and that nothing gold can stay. And that gossip is wayyyyyyyyy more fun to write about than actual news.

Signing off for the DMN, I’m Rita Skeeter. Keep your eyes open, readers: I heard from a school blog that DISD also sponsors al-Qaeda through an individual known on Mohammed Talib! More on that in the coming days.

The Cyclone sincerely thanks Ms. Skeeter for her piece, and wishes to publicly agree with her on the dangers of Mohammed Talib.

The Pen > The Sword

Ok, the Hillcrest letters-to-the-editor varsity squad has been flexing it's hand muscles lately, in light of today's events. Team captains Jeff Wilke and Jenny Davenport are MIA.

To Whom It May Concern:

Lori Stahl’s recent article on the merits of Michael Hinojosa’s inclusion in the Hillcrest High School Academic Success Program (ASP) is disgusting. There are very few institutions left that are free from the scrutiny of media these days, and the list grows smaller as the Internet expands, but one area that has long been viewed as untouchable was recently attacked.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Just so we’re clear, I’ll repeat that one more time.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Let’s clear up a couple things about her article.

One, she failed to adequately characterize the Academic Success Program. Though ASP’s main goal is to help disadvantaged students become first-generation college goers, they go about this by creating a partnership with top students who better understand the importance of college and the work ethic required to get there. The inclusion of students like Michael was a way of furthering the programs goals, not restricting other students from admittance.

It’s no surprise that she fails to fully explain the concepts behind the program because this article isn’t meant to be informative, it’s meant to defame Superintendent Hinojosa.

I am truly appalled that Dallas Morning News allowed this article to run. Not only are there no facts backing Stahl bizarre claim, but the idea of questioning a students worth and abilities in a public forum that can and will be read by most of his peers, family, and future classmates is gut wrenching. I know Michael and there is no one more deserving of a place at Harvard, and suggesting otherwise simply to score some cheap points against his father is horrible.

I don’t know what could possibly ameliorate this situation, but a public apology (similar to the public slander that was this article) would not be out of line.

Thank You

Mattia Flabiano

Hillcrest High School Graduate 2009

That's one by Mattia Flabiano. Next up, me.



Erik Severson does not condone the language used in his letter, unless that is, you have a friend who is publicly slandered by a major newspaper. In that case, shoot for the [explitive]ing moon.

Never Wake a Sleeping Giant, Especially After a Long Friday Night

The Cyclone declares war on the Dallas Morning News (with exception to Kevin Sherrington, he's the man).



Oh we are not done with you Lori Stahl

A Few Articles for Your Consideration

Editor's note: Check out the May 28 issue of the Hurricane and look at the bottom lefthand corner of Page 10. Yeah.

Tomorrow shall be epic. Tomorrow will be the first day that Hillcrest will have to go without Jeff Wilke and Erik Severson in four years except for days we skipped. On that note, I finally realized, "Holy smoked salmon, I'm going to graduate tomorrow and then it'll just seem kind of pathetic when I stalk the Cyclone," and that I really needed to finish up a few last articles, because you all have been deprived of news for too long to let any good tip these days go to waste.

So, our final few stories from the outgoing seniors, meaning me since Erik is lazy as hell. (Expect something about graduation, especially if Jake streaks.)

MATTIA FLABIANO, OTHERS BLANKED AT HILLCREST SENIOR AWARDS

Recently, Hillcrest hosted its annual senior awards banquet, honoring the hard work of its senior class, plus the mediocre work that mainly was the norm over the last four years at HHS. Awards were extensive, ranging from scholarship offers to specific subject awards to awards for something called "character," which according to one source in the know, "is a term we use to make people feel better about themselves."

Oddsmakers had covered the event, and had Mattia Flabiano and Ross Shwarts as the two-to-one favorites in the Science category, for starters. In fact, Flabiano was a favorite in many categories, but much like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, his many nominations led to naught at the actual ceremony.

"I'm stunned," said a visibly flustered Flabiano after the ceremony. "I just don't understand how Mattia Flabiano got blanked. Mattia Flabiano is the best in the business, see? If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."

According to the reports, Flabiano tried to rush the stage when he failed to receive an award for Outstanding Math student, but Navy SEAL Chase McLean tackled him against the stairs and held him in place until security could be called in to restrain him.



But the surprises weren't done. In perhaps the biggest shocker of the night, Hillcrest heartthrob Ryan Callender lost out in the Best Hair category to dark horse nominee Hugo Calderon.

"I'm surprised," said hair analyst and Hillcrest senior Abraham Juarez, who pulled himself out of contention days before the awards show to rest his hair for the Hair Modeling League Playoffs, beginning June 2nd. "Callender has the long flowing hair that judges tend to like, but Calderon was always the guy who could bring him down. That guy's hair is insane."

Calderon didn't notice he had won, as he was busy with his phone throughout the ceremony, and had to be led onstage by friends and family.

All things said and done, the show went smoothly, as your friendly neighborhood Cyclone founders picked up a couple awards, whether it was a scholarship for Mr. HHS or the Silver Crest award. Voting for Best Earthly Human ended in a tie, with the Cycloners sharing the award with LeBron James, who took a flight down to Dallas in between getting his [expletive] handed to him by the Orlando Magic.

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HUMAN RIGHTS EXPERTS ACCUSE HILLCREST OF SUPPRESSING DEMOCRACY

In a stunning turn yesterday, the UN placed sanctions on Hillcrest High School for, in the words of the UN press release, "suppressing and subverting the democratic process in student-body elections."

Headmaster Ronald Jones denied comment, except to say that, "Hillcrest is seriously looking to these allegations and speaking with the Mock Trial team for legal advice."

Specifically, the UN is concerned about the elections held for StuCo this year - or the lack thereof, more specifically.

"We have evidence that purports that elections weren't even held at Hillcrest High School," said UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon. "Obviously we feel that sanctions are necessary."

The official UN report cites the fact that while elections weren't held, positions were handed out by the StuCo incumbents. In particular, Taylor Hinojosa received a high-ranking position while his brother was StuCo president. Coincidence?

"We were concerned about the Hinojosa regime from the beginning," said a snitch an anonymous source within the Hillcrest halls. "Michael was a by-the-books dictator who operated behind the scenes, which is probably why most people never even knew he was StuCo president. And now he's just handing the reigns over to his brother! Michael Hinojosa is purportedly letting go of power, but everyone thinks that he's just using Taylor as a puppet. That's why I went to the UN about this."

Michael Hinojosa didn't have anything to say about the sanctions, although he did want to warn kids that "snitches get stitches."

The Obama administration was disturbed to the point of holding a press conference over the issue.

"Obviously we're worried about these recent reports and the recent sanctions by the UN, especially considering that we've been stationed inside Hillcrest for the last five years," said President Obama during the press conference, which would explain the fact that Marines have been wandering the halls since Dr. Crawford came to HHS. (People were kind of wondering about that.) "We still maintain our goal of withdrawing from Hillcrest within the next eighteen months, although we obviously need to make sure there's stability within the region. We do feel that progress is being made, although progress is a slow and difficult journey."

Several political commentators have emphasized the seriousness of the situation by the fact that President Obama held a press conference on the issue at a time when North Korea is having nuclear tests and training Super-Saiyans.

"It's a mess," said an anonymous former interim principal at HHS. "But it's Jones's problem now. Let this be a lesson to all you kids: hit it and quit it!"

I Yank the Thang

As summer approaches, we tend to do bad things. However; everyone control yourself and be smarter than this kid.  

"And he smokes with cigarettes" 

The Hillcrest Cyclone Has Jumped the Shark

The recent handover of control of the controversial, bestselling blog the Hillcrest Cyclone from two outgoing seniors to two rising sophomores has caused a flurry of outrage, as blog readers across the world are worried that there could be a dip in Cyclone quality.

"Dip in quality is putting it lightly," said Cyclone ombudsman Drew Vine. "The Cyclone has jumped the shark."



Whether the Cyclone has "jumped the shark" so to speak is a matter of controversy befitting to Hillcrest's edgiest blog. First, historical precedents are helpful to know when judging whether the HC has "jumped the shark."

"There are always changes in shows, books, blogs, etc," said media critic and Hillcrest graduate Ben Gallant. "For instance, Emma totally killed Friends, just like ER never really recovered after Clooney and Edwards left. On the other hand, House appeared to jump the shark with the season four auditions, but ironically enough, the show was rejuvenated by the return of one of the auditioning doctors - Amber - late in the season, and it's been strong ever since. Hey, while I've got you, do you want to hang out later? I'm bored."

The critics have split up in two camps: the pessimists and the optimists, the former opposing the new Cyclone regime and the latter supporting it.

"The new writers just plain suck," said an anonymous critic named "Disappointed," who was too cowardly to use his/her actual name decided to remain anonymous to preserve objectivity. "As a freshman, I was 5.6% funnier than them. You guys should hire me. Wait, no you shouldn't, because I would pee my pants if I ever actually put myself out there to criticism in an effort to have some fun and amuse others."

Those words weren't even the harshest criticism for the new Cyclone editors.

"As an objective outside observer, I can plainly state that Will Look sucks and is a disgrace to the Look family," said Hillcrest alum Rob Look (no relation).

While many of the pessimists are turning tail and fleeing, the optimists are hopeful that the Cyclone will prevail.

"Let's face it, there's some good ideas in there," said media critic and outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano. "James King doing taekwondo during a frisbee game? Funny because it's true! Emily Westbrook speaking in a 'lively' tone? HILARIOUS! It's just the execution. They just need some innings under their belts. And who knows, change may be a good thing - they may even include some nonwhite people in their stories! Hillcrest is only, what, 85% minority?"

Also, others note, the actual quality dropoff has been exaggerated.

"The grammar has been a big issue, but let's face the facts," said future English teacher Jenny Davenport. "Erik doesn't know a run-on sentence from a fragment. They're really not losing much there."

While it's clear the controversy over the changing of the guard will last for a long while, the Cyclone shows no signs of packing up shop and failing to report on the hottest issues at HHS, from poo spills to mace fights to the Cyclone itself. Cyclone co-founder/demigod Erik Severson had some wise words for all of the doubters.

"Look, dude, you're losing a lot with me and Jeff leaving. We're two genui (that's the plural form of 'genius' - I invented it) that haven't graced the halls of Hillcrest since Harriet Miers went here. The new guys are going to have their scratches and bruises, but they're going to be better and funnier people because of it. The Cyclone is more than a funny blog... it's an ideal we can all aspire to, and I was always taught that those ideals survive for eternity, that they keep us going when the going gets tough. And also, Jeff and I have commissioned statues of ourselves to be placed in the front hall, so if you ever miss us you can go check those out and leave roses at our feet. Cool beans, huh?"

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Full disclosure: early feedback from test audiences indicated that this article was "disappointing" and "stoopid."

Hillcrest Alumni come out strong

Will Look Reports:

The former Hillcrest Ultimate Team composed of mostly the class of 2007 came back to their alma mater for a “butt whoopin” on some youngsters. Upcoming Junior at the University of Texas Michael Robinowitz was found warming up in his car just before the game. “These suckers won’t even be a piece of cake.”

On the other side, freshman Brett Mayberry couldn’t be at the game due to his intense college schedule, even though he is a freshman in high school. “Even though Zach is number one, I have the advantage here.” He thought the team would be done for without him and Junior Samy Maanani. Samy Maanani reportedly was too tired to play, even though he was found skipping through the field of flowers during halftime.

The game was intense. Blood was spurting everywhere, freshman Derek Poole had to play with a broken ankle, yet he still somehow broke other peoples ankles. James King was seen doing taekwondo on his opponents. Apparently, his art at fighting made people leave the game.

The alumni thought they had the game in the bag at 10 to 7, first to thirteen. Yet Oyedopo made an amazing grab to get the momentum in favor of the students.

The student team later on won thirteen to eleven. After the game, Robinowitz was found beating himself to death as his sisters’ friends had just embarrassed him. “I’ve been training all year for this one game, and now it’s ruined.”

          Everyone got out of the game with only a couple of grass marks, a messed up pelvis, and a tweaked ankle. “It was a nice, exciting, clean game,” quoted Wright after the victory.

Cheerleaders get Cheerleaders

As many of you are already aware, cheerleaders of Hillcrest High School have been bemoaning the fact that they do not get enough respect. 

  

“Cheerleading is just as much of a sport as football!” protested incoming junior cheerleader, Nichole Porras.

  

The squad met up with new principal and cheerleading activist Mr. Jones to discuss the situation. Mr. Jones, being the loyal cheerleading fan that he is, gave the cheerleaders something we never thought they would get. Effective immediately, the team will have a cheerleading squad of their own to cheer for them during games. When active Ultimate Frisbee team member Ryan Conway heard the news he was furious. “Let me get this straight. Cheerleaders get cheerleaders, but the Frisbee team, who has been asking for them for years, don’t have any!?”

  

“It makes sense. Like, we cheer for you guys all day! Don’t you think we need some too?” said Emily Westbrook during a lively phone interview earlier today.  When approached, each and every member of the squad said the same thing.

  

The funny thing is, the members of the cheerleader’s cheer squad aren’t students. The 4 person squad consists of Mrs. Alverson and her enthusiastic, but not very coordinated math teaching underlings.

  

“I’ll make sure that the cheerleaders get the respect they deserve!” shouted Mrs. Alverson while performing a pretty impressive herky.

 

In a non-related, but developing story understudies from next year’s school musical are demanding they have understudies of their own.

  

The Cyclone will most likely be on break during the summer, but expect many stories when school comes back around. Don’t say goodbye.

 

Test One, Test One Two, Check, Check

As school winds down and the board game Guess Who becomes old, our new editors-in-the-wings shall begin to take flight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present one of the newest editions to The Cyclone, freshman Jesse Degani.

Depression Rampant as School Year Comes to an End
“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair,” outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano stammered uncontrollably.

“I mean what are we going to do all summer without school?” lamented Zoe Bernbaum.

In a remarkable turn of events, students of Hillcrest High School overwhelmed the counselor’s office seeking help for depression caused by the end of the school term. At a school-wide assembly, Ms. McNutt advised students to create informal study groups throughout the summer to help ease the anxiety. Mr. Wright and several other teachers generously offered after school hours so students could brainstorm ideas of ways to fill the void left by the closing of school.

Some of the ideas that have been suggested are:
• Meet up in large rooms for paper bag lunches
• Sit in a desk for 8 hours every day
• Take mock Exams and SAT tests.
• Set alarm for 6:30 a.m. throughout summer

If you seek further help contact our hotline set up by the committee of Students for Year Round School at 1-800- School Forever.

Images of the Day

Senior Michael Hinojosa (aka Harvardjosa, pictured above) has taken his pride in his class rank to the next level.

Following suit was sophomore Matthew Talley (aka Mohammed Talib, pictured below), who took an alternative route and shaved a "#" into the back of his head, the Talib symbol of destruction.

UPDATE: Talib is known to be a tic-tac-toe enthusiast.