The Hillcrest Cyclone Has Jumped the Shark

The recent handover of control of the controversial, bestselling blog the Hillcrest Cyclone from two outgoing seniors to two rising sophomores has caused a flurry of outrage, as blog readers across the world are worried that there could be a dip in Cyclone quality.

"Dip in quality is putting it lightly," said Cyclone ombudsman Drew Vine. "The Cyclone has jumped the shark."



Whether the Cyclone has "jumped the shark" so to speak is a matter of controversy befitting to Hillcrest's edgiest blog. First, historical precedents are helpful to know when judging whether the HC has "jumped the shark."

"There are always changes in shows, books, blogs, etc," said media critic and Hillcrest graduate Ben Gallant. "For instance, Emma totally killed Friends, just like ER never really recovered after Clooney and Edwards left. On the other hand, House appeared to jump the shark with the season four auditions, but ironically enough, the show was rejuvenated by the return of one of the auditioning doctors - Amber - late in the season, and it's been strong ever since. Hey, while I've got you, do you want to hang out later? I'm bored."

The critics have split up in two camps: the pessimists and the optimists, the former opposing the new Cyclone regime and the latter supporting it.

"The new writers just plain suck," said an anonymous critic named "Disappointed," who was too cowardly to use his/her actual name decided to remain anonymous to preserve objectivity. "As a freshman, I was 5.6% funnier than them. You guys should hire me. Wait, no you shouldn't, because I would pee my pants if I ever actually put myself out there to criticism in an effort to have some fun and amuse others."

Those words weren't even the harshest criticism for the new Cyclone editors.

"As an objective outside observer, I can plainly state that Will Look sucks and is a disgrace to the Look family," said Hillcrest alum Rob Look (no relation).

While many of the pessimists are turning tail and fleeing, the optimists are hopeful that the Cyclone will prevail.

"Let's face it, there's some good ideas in there," said media critic and outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano. "James King doing taekwondo during a frisbee game? Funny because it's true! Emily Westbrook speaking in a 'lively' tone? HILARIOUS! It's just the execution. They just need some innings under their belts. And who knows, change may be a good thing - they may even include some nonwhite people in their stories! Hillcrest is only, what, 85% minority?"

Also, others note, the actual quality dropoff has been exaggerated.

"The grammar has been a big issue, but let's face the facts," said future English teacher Jenny Davenport. "Erik doesn't know a run-on sentence from a fragment. They're really not losing much there."

While it's clear the controversy over the changing of the guard will last for a long while, the Cyclone shows no signs of packing up shop and failing to report on the hottest issues at HHS, from poo spills to mace fights to the Cyclone itself. Cyclone co-founder/demigod Erik Severson had some wise words for all of the doubters.

"Look, dude, you're losing a lot with me and Jeff leaving. We're two genui (that's the plural form of 'genius' - I invented it) that haven't graced the halls of Hillcrest since Harriet Miers went here. The new guys are going to have their scratches and bruises, but they're going to be better and funnier people because of it. The Cyclone is more than a funny blog... it's an ideal we can all aspire to, and I was always taught that those ideals survive for eternity, that they keep us going when the going gets tough. And also, Jeff and I have commissioned statues of ourselves to be placed in the front hall, so if you ever miss us you can go check those out and leave roses at our feet. Cool beans, huh?"

-

Full disclosure: early feedback from test audiences indicated that this article was "disappointing" and "stoopid."

Hillcrest Alumni come out strong

Will Look Reports:

The former Hillcrest Ultimate Team composed of mostly the class of 2007 came back to their alma mater for a “butt whoopin” on some youngsters. Upcoming Junior at the University of Texas Michael Robinowitz was found warming up in his car just before the game. “These suckers won’t even be a piece of cake.”

On the other side, freshman Brett Mayberry couldn’t be at the game due to his intense college schedule, even though he is a freshman in high school. “Even though Zach is number one, I have the advantage here.” He thought the team would be done for without him and Junior Samy Maanani. Samy Maanani reportedly was too tired to play, even though he was found skipping through the field of flowers during halftime.

The game was intense. Blood was spurting everywhere, freshman Derek Poole had to play with a broken ankle, yet he still somehow broke other peoples ankles. James King was seen doing taekwondo on his opponents. Apparently, his art at fighting made people leave the game.

The alumni thought they had the game in the bag at 10 to 7, first to thirteen. Yet Oyedopo made an amazing grab to get the momentum in favor of the students.

The student team later on won thirteen to eleven. After the game, Robinowitz was found beating himself to death as his sisters’ friends had just embarrassed him. “I’ve been training all year for this one game, and now it’s ruined.”

          Everyone got out of the game with only a couple of grass marks, a messed up pelvis, and a tweaked ankle. “It was a nice, exciting, clean game,” quoted Wright after the victory.

Cheerleaders get Cheerleaders

As many of you are already aware, cheerleaders of Hillcrest High School have been bemoaning the fact that they do not get enough respect. 

  

“Cheerleading is just as much of a sport as football!” protested incoming junior cheerleader, Nichole Porras.

  

The squad met up with new principal and cheerleading activist Mr. Jones to discuss the situation. Mr. Jones, being the loyal cheerleading fan that he is, gave the cheerleaders something we never thought they would get. Effective immediately, the team will have a cheerleading squad of their own to cheer for them during games. When active Ultimate Frisbee team member Ryan Conway heard the news he was furious. “Let me get this straight. Cheerleaders get cheerleaders, but the Frisbee team, who has been asking for them for years, don’t have any!?”

  

“It makes sense. Like, we cheer for you guys all day! Don’t you think we need some too?” said Emily Westbrook during a lively phone interview earlier today.  When approached, each and every member of the squad said the same thing.

  

The funny thing is, the members of the cheerleader’s cheer squad aren’t students. The 4 person squad consists of Mrs. Alverson and her enthusiastic, but not very coordinated math teaching underlings.

  

“I’ll make sure that the cheerleaders get the respect they deserve!” shouted Mrs. Alverson while performing a pretty impressive herky.

 

In a non-related, but developing story understudies from next year’s school musical are demanding they have understudies of their own.

  

The Cyclone will most likely be on break during the summer, but expect many stories when school comes back around. Don’t say goodbye.

 

Test One, Test One Two, Check, Check

As school winds down and the board game Guess Who becomes old, our new editors-in-the-wings shall begin to take flight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present one of the newest editions to The Cyclone, freshman Jesse Degani.

Depression Rampant as School Year Comes to an End
“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair,” outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano stammered uncontrollably.

“I mean what are we going to do all summer without school?” lamented Zoe Bernbaum.

In a remarkable turn of events, students of Hillcrest High School overwhelmed the counselor’s office seeking help for depression caused by the end of the school term. At a school-wide assembly, Ms. McNutt advised students to create informal study groups throughout the summer to help ease the anxiety. Mr. Wright and several other teachers generously offered after school hours so students could brainstorm ideas of ways to fill the void left by the closing of school.

Some of the ideas that have been suggested are:
• Meet up in large rooms for paper bag lunches
• Sit in a desk for 8 hours every day
• Take mock Exams and SAT tests.
• Set alarm for 6:30 a.m. throughout summer

If you seek further help contact our hotline set up by the committee of Students for Year Round School at 1-800- School Forever.

Images of the Day

Senior Michael Hinojosa (aka Harvardjosa, pictured above) has taken his pride in his class rank to the next level.

Following suit was sophomore Matthew Talley (aka Mohammed Talib, pictured below), who took an alternative route and shaved a "#" into the back of his head, the Talib symbol of destruction.

UPDATE: Talib is known to be a tic-tac-toe enthusiast.

Save the Hurricane, Save the World

All right, little ones. The Cyclone called on you to raise money for an ad in the Hillcrest Hurricane, and you met the challenge. To be honest, we were shocked. However, a wrench was thrown in that plan recently, as word has leaked out that there won't be a final Hurricane issue, mainly because about no one on the Hurricane staff got their stories in on time.

Needless to say we at the Cyclone were disappointed. While we are no doubt the number one news source in the world, let alone Hillcrest, we thrive off competition. And we're on Hurricane staff, so that's a factor as well. What this means for the First Annual Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-Raiser is unclear, and we're open to feedback from people who donated to our worthy cause.

There are several options: refund the money; use it for another equally awesome purpose; or save the Hurricane issue and thus save our ad.

It's up to you, Cyclone readers. J-Dav, EIC of the Hurricane, is already pretty stretched thin as it is, and we're not sure if the rest of the staff of the Hurricane wants to do another issue, or needs to do another issue. All we're saying is, if you really want to read the Hurricane/see our ad, then go up to your friendly neighborhood Hurricane staff writer and politely ask them, "Staff writer, I would like to inquire as to WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR STORY ON TIME?!! I WANT MY CYCLONE AD!!!" (Note: I [Jeff] didn't have a story this issue, so don't do this to me. Erik, on the other hand...)

The decision is yours.



----

And because I don't think Erik's awake to update after our playoff game, your weekly weekend sendoff, this time striking a little closer to home.

Cyclone to Announce 2009-2010 Editors in Coming Days

Yes, yes everyone. The Cyclone has decided it shall endure. Early next week the announcement shall be made, so until then, we leave you to guess who. And no my person is not wearing glasses.

Let the Moaning Begin: All Hillcrest AP Tests Invalidated

After going through the recent AP tests while preparing to send them to College Board, Hillcrest administrators noticed a little snafu that they thought might mess with the grading process for Hillcrest AP exams. Then, after careful consideration, they realized that we are totally [expletive].

"I don't know what happened," Statistics teacher (and AP guru) Mrs. Podhrasky said. "Really, we did everything by the book. But somehow the sheets were mixed up. We handed out the wrong answer sheets. I didn't even know there were different types of answer sheets."

But there were, apparently. Hillcrest administrators handed out a separate answer sheet to students, meant to be used on last year's AP tests. Due to bureacracy and general mean-spiritedness, College Board switched out the answer sheets this year, just to change things up.

"The new answer sheets are much improved, which is why we wanted schools to use them," said a College Board representative. "They ask for your name 23% more often, while misreading test answers 56% more of the time than the old ones did. Also, instead of just a number label, they require an entire fingernail for identification purposes. By overly complicating and confusing the process, we at College Board believe that we will weed out the free loaders - students only taking the test because they're being made to - from the students who want to learn, thanks to our dishonest and illogical new testing scheme."

There were strong reactions from students and faculty at HHS.

"You've got to be kidding me," said senior Ross Shwarts, who had taken 10 AP tests. "How the hell am I going to get credit for an entire year of college now? I was planning on partying freshman year. College Board's mess-up is really disappointing."

Some students didn't particularly seem to care, although that fact itself is rather telling.

"Everyone said I was an idiot for leaving in the middle of the AP English Literature test," said Ben Debus. "Well who's the idiot now? You are. That's who."

On College Board's Facebook group, comments have been diverse from, "w00t go college bord [sic]" to "WHY DID I SIT THROUGH THIS CRAP FOR NO REASON?!!!" to "I don't care, I slept through most of them anyway," to even the disturbing status on Facebook that has become quite popular over the past day: "College Board canceled my AP scores. No college credit. 10 wasted hours. FML."

After receiving news of the College Board answer sheet fiasco, it is reported that administrator Ann McNutt locked herself in her room and refused to come out, although those reports have not been verified.

College Board replied to the school's repeated requests for comment, sending this e-mail to school press:

"What happened at your school was very unfortunate, we agree.

But it was also really funny. You guys just wasted hundreds of dollars and dozens of hours taking meaningless tests!!!! LOL!!11! I bet you feel stupid now, huh?!

Regards,
College Board

Click here if you no longer wish to receive e-mails from College Board. College Board does not hand out e-mail addresses to online solicitors, and e-mail addresses will solely be used for scholarship opportunities and mocking public schools."

Hillcrest Cyclone: As Popular As Congress

Here at the Cyclone we are, as you all know, political high rollers, as evidenced by our connections to the kingdom of DISD, the administration of Headmaster Shelton, Jeff's mom being in charge of every freaking senior activity and Erik's mom being treasurer for every freaking senior activity and our inside track with both Chairman Asay of the Youth Moral Superiority group and Voldemort. And, of course, our status as the number one subjective news source for all of Hillcrest, although the sports section of the Hurricane comes close on occasion. (Just kidding, Patrick.)

It doesn't hurt that we're rolling in the dough, either. So when Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson and myself were invited to a Democratic party function thanks to the esteemed Friend of the Cyclone Paul Stanley, we figured the Dems were a little strapped for cash and media coverage and could use our help, so we quickly accepted. (Plus it was better than studying for AP Government.)

When we got to the function, we were immediately impressed. This get-together was held at a mansion comparable to Hogwarts, and they had these chocolates that were completely baller. Like the good socialites we schmoozed with Sheriff Lupe Valdez and DA Craig Watkins, just in case we ever do anything illegal and actually get caught this time. We also peer pressured Cyclone guest writer Mattia Flabiano into making a college decision, but the real party started with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed up.

When we met her, she pretended like she didn't know us, probably so the other socialites didn't feel jealous of our mad skillz. She was impressed with our college choices - Harvard, Brown, Virginia, Michigan, and in particular, Missouri, which she noted "had good sports." We're assuming she was about to praise Mizzou's academic qualities as well, but someone else went and grabbed her after a group photo and we didn't see her again until she spoke to the group.



So she spoke, and afterward came straight over to us young dudes to talk to us about politics, life, and the like. (This part isn't even a lie!) We pressed her on her views of the Cyclone.

JEFF: So I imagine you could use some good media coverage.
PELOSI: Haha, the media is always very interesting. They've got a difficult job.
ERIK: And some do it better than others. Like us. You've heard of the Hillcrest Cyclone, I assume.
PELOSI: ...perhaps, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.
ERIK: No matter. We're more of an underground news source. However, we're still very successful, if you understand where I'm going.
PELOSI: ...
JEFF: What we're saying is that we've got money. And prestige. We can get you some good coverage, and donate to the party using some PACs and 527s, which we learned about in Government.
ERIK: All we're asking for is a personal endorsement of the Cyclone. We'd like to be congressionally approved.
PELOSI: Um, that's very nice, boys. You're very smart young men, it seems, and Brown is a good school. And Missouri has good sports. Oh, what about you? *points to Michael Hinojosa*
MICHAEL: Nancy Pelosi. My father has told me all about you, of course.

End conversation.

So, as you can tell, it's official: THE HILLCREST CYCLONE IS APPROVED BY CONGRESS.

Which probably isn't saying much at the moment, but suck it, other DISD underground satire blogs! SUCK IT.

---

More Photos of Us Schmoozing

Meet Chris Bayer

Mattia Flabiano reports.

Since Hillcrest’s introduction as one of the premier Wizarding institutions in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, it has been home to some unique creatures from around the globe.

“The Cyclone has uncovered various mythological beasts throughout the grounds of Hillcrest,” Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson said, “We’ve confirmed the presence of werewolves, babies, Swine Flu, super sayians, reincarnated presidents, and terrorists, all within the walls of HHS.”

But a recent discovery may trump them all.

Since his arrival at Hillcrest High School, students around campus have called the assistant football and baseball coach, Chris Bayer “peculiar”, “emotionless”, and “funny looking.” It wasn’t until the release of the worldwide blockbuster Star Trek, that people began to understand his true nature.

“Yes, I am a Vulcan.” Bayer revealed to the Cyclone after being assured this information would never reach the public.

This revelation shocked many students around the school, but not all.

“Of course he’s a Vulcan. I don’t think he’s ever smiled,” notorious trekkie Jessie Degani assured the Cyclone. “Mr. Bayer acts exactly like Commander Spock did in season 1, episode 16, when he had to save a group of stranded...”

(The Cyclone can only stand so much Star Trek talk before we lose the will to keep typing.)

“…is so cool, referencing the crossover episode with TNG that is Spock’s last chronological appearance before the new movie,” Degani finished.

Bayer has always aspired to something greater than grunt assistant work. This is why he has recently submitted an application for the assistant principal’s job at a local high school.

“Of course an assistant coach and an assistant principal are not the same thing,” Bayer replied in a monotone, emotionless voice. "Any other assumption would be... illogical."

Bayer’s disclosure of his non-human origin may put a dent in his resume.

“Father’s not very happy with Coach Bayer,” Michael Hinojosa told the Cyclone in an over-the-phone interview. “He’s reporting him to the school governors and the Ministry of Magic.”

Bayer isn’t too worried about the Minister’s reaction.

“I got a great rec from a friend of mine, Rudy Garza.” Bayer told us. All attempts to find this Rudy Garza have been thus far unsuccessful, leading several sources to suggest that Garza either doesn't exist or is in Azkaban.

The emergence of a new species into Hillcrest High School is surprising news to be sure, but the question remains, what else is out there and how long will it be before they are realized?

Hillcrest: boldly going where no school has gone before.

It's Friday Night/Saturday Morning

Truly an all time favorite. Hope Friday nights went well, and I hope they are possibly not over yet. In the case that they are, let Saturday treat you well.

Friday the 8th Live Blog

Today I brought my handy-dandy laptop to school. A run-down of life as a senior.

8:42- I arrive to school. I walk in the doors, and proceed to the metal detector. The “security guard” asks my friend whether she has pepper spray in her bag.

8:50- I stroll into AP English Literature with the hit-list writing Dr. McGaffey. I simply ask her what we are doing today, and she responds: Nothing. My heart flutters. Less than half of the class is here.

8:59- The internets at our school are not working. The fluttering ceases. I begin to watch Step Brothers.

9:37- Absolutely doing nothing. Why are we here.

9:45- First period ends to my delight.

9:50- Second period AP Statistics begins. 7 people are here. Seriously?



10:13- All of statistics has been spent playing Catchphrase. Boys vs. girls, the boys shall conquer all.

10:31- How the hell are we supposed to get antihistamine?

10:40- Second period ends.

10:45- Teacher is absent!

10:58- Mmmm Potbelly…

11:46- Back to school to see the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Baldridge. Once again more than half of the class has failed to show up. Baldridge tells us how much he hates us, and is trying to beat us up.

11:46- He didn’t say or do any of those things, I was kidding.

12:05- I have begun to iChat with Mr. Baldridge, as he sits 10 feet away. Class population= 6.



12:56- The creation of the Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement is almost complete. And that’s how I spent all of 4th period.

1:09- “I want to be the kind of grandpa where I am just kind of like a crazy old man. I want to be the guy who jumps off of the yacht into the water and says, ‘Come on in guys! The water just got a little warmer!’” -Mr. Baldridge

1:15- 4th period ends.

1:20- Newspaper begins. Coincidentally, so does nap time.

1:58- Counting the minutes until school ends. Having a little fun on Urban Dictionary. Notable words: duck butt, Lizzie McGuire, a few others as well

2:10- 5th ends, off to Calculus

2:13- Mrs. Lucy says she does not want to see us after we have taken our AP exam, so I follow her directions.

2:22- Home. Educational day is over.

2:44- Gotten a few good games of FIFA 09 in, and it’s time to head back to school for a little baseball. TGIMFF

2:50- Back to the Crest. What a Friday. Everyone have a magnificent weekend.