Save the Hurricane, Save the World

All right, little ones. The Cyclone called on you to raise money for an ad in the Hillcrest Hurricane, and you met the challenge. To be honest, we were shocked. However, a wrench was thrown in that plan recently, as word has leaked out that there won't be a final Hurricane issue, mainly because about no one on the Hurricane staff got their stories in on time.

Needless to say we at the Cyclone were disappointed. While we are no doubt the number one news source in the world, let alone Hillcrest, we thrive off competition. And we're on Hurricane staff, so that's a factor as well. What this means for the First Annual Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-Raiser is unclear, and we're open to feedback from people who donated to our worthy cause.

There are several options: refund the money; use it for another equally awesome purpose; or save the Hurricane issue and thus save our ad.

It's up to you, Cyclone readers. J-Dav, EIC of the Hurricane, is already pretty stretched thin as it is, and we're not sure if the rest of the staff of the Hurricane wants to do another issue, or needs to do another issue. All we're saying is, if you really want to read the Hurricane/see our ad, then go up to your friendly neighborhood Hurricane staff writer and politely ask them, "Staff writer, I would like to inquire as to WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR STORY ON TIME?!! I WANT MY CYCLONE AD!!!" (Note: I [Jeff] didn't have a story this issue, so don't do this to me. Erik, on the other hand...)

The decision is yours.



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And because I don't think Erik's awake to update after our playoff game, your weekly weekend sendoff, this time striking a little closer to home.

Cyclone to Announce 2009-2010 Editors in Coming Days

Yes, yes everyone. The Cyclone has decided it shall endure. Early next week the announcement shall be made, so until then, we leave you to guess who. And no my person is not wearing glasses.

Let the Moaning Begin: All Hillcrest AP Tests Invalidated

After going through the recent AP tests while preparing to send them to College Board, Hillcrest administrators noticed a little snafu that they thought might mess with the grading process for Hillcrest AP exams. Then, after careful consideration, they realized that we are totally [expletive].

"I don't know what happened," Statistics teacher (and AP guru) Mrs. Podhrasky said. "Really, we did everything by the book. But somehow the sheets were mixed up. We handed out the wrong answer sheets. I didn't even know there were different types of answer sheets."

But there were, apparently. Hillcrest administrators handed out a separate answer sheet to students, meant to be used on last year's AP tests. Due to bureacracy and general mean-spiritedness, College Board switched out the answer sheets this year, just to change things up.

"The new answer sheets are much improved, which is why we wanted schools to use them," said a College Board representative. "They ask for your name 23% more often, while misreading test answers 56% more of the time than the old ones did. Also, instead of just a number label, they require an entire fingernail for identification purposes. By overly complicating and confusing the process, we at College Board believe that we will weed out the free loaders - students only taking the test because they're being made to - from the students who want to learn, thanks to our dishonest and illogical new testing scheme."

There were strong reactions from students and faculty at HHS.

"You've got to be kidding me," said senior Ross Shwarts, who had taken 10 AP tests. "How the hell am I going to get credit for an entire year of college now? I was planning on partying freshman year. College Board's mess-up is really disappointing."

Some students didn't particularly seem to care, although that fact itself is rather telling.

"Everyone said I was an idiot for leaving in the middle of the AP English Literature test," said Ben Debus. "Well who's the idiot now? You are. That's who."

On College Board's Facebook group, comments have been diverse from, "w00t go college bord [sic]" to "WHY DID I SIT THROUGH THIS CRAP FOR NO REASON?!!!" to "I don't care, I slept through most of them anyway," to even the disturbing status on Facebook that has become quite popular over the past day: "College Board canceled my AP scores. No college credit. 10 wasted hours. FML."

After receiving news of the College Board answer sheet fiasco, it is reported that administrator Ann McNutt locked herself in her room and refused to come out, although those reports have not been verified.

College Board replied to the school's repeated requests for comment, sending this e-mail to school press:

"What happened at your school was very unfortunate, we agree.

But it was also really funny. You guys just wasted hundreds of dollars and dozens of hours taking meaningless tests!!!! LOL!!11! I bet you feel stupid now, huh?!

Regards,
College Board

Click here if you no longer wish to receive e-mails from College Board. College Board does not hand out e-mail addresses to online solicitors, and e-mail addresses will solely be used for scholarship opportunities and mocking public schools."

Hillcrest Cyclone: As Popular As Congress

Here at the Cyclone we are, as you all know, political high rollers, as evidenced by our connections to the kingdom of DISD, the administration of Headmaster Shelton, Jeff's mom being in charge of every freaking senior activity and Erik's mom being treasurer for every freaking senior activity and our inside track with both Chairman Asay of the Youth Moral Superiority group and Voldemort. And, of course, our status as the number one subjective news source for all of Hillcrest, although the sports section of the Hurricane comes close on occasion. (Just kidding, Patrick.)

It doesn't hurt that we're rolling in the dough, either. So when Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson and myself were invited to a Democratic party function thanks to the esteemed Friend of the Cyclone Paul Stanley, we figured the Dems were a little strapped for cash and media coverage and could use our help, so we quickly accepted. (Plus it was better than studying for AP Government.)

When we got to the function, we were immediately impressed. This get-together was held at a mansion comparable to Hogwarts, and they had these chocolates that were completely baller. Like the good socialites we schmoozed with Sheriff Lupe Valdez and DA Craig Watkins, just in case we ever do anything illegal and actually get caught this time. We also peer pressured Cyclone guest writer Mattia Flabiano into making a college decision, but the real party started with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed up.

When we met her, she pretended like she didn't know us, probably so the other socialites didn't feel jealous of our mad skillz. She was impressed with our college choices - Harvard, Brown, Virginia, Michigan, and in particular, Missouri, which she noted "had good sports." We're assuming she was about to praise Mizzou's academic qualities as well, but someone else went and grabbed her after a group photo and we didn't see her again until she spoke to the group.



So she spoke, and afterward came straight over to us young dudes to talk to us about politics, life, and the like. (This part isn't even a lie!) We pressed her on her views of the Cyclone.

JEFF: So I imagine you could use some good media coverage.
PELOSI: Haha, the media is always very interesting. They've got a difficult job.
ERIK: And some do it better than others. Like us. You've heard of the Hillcrest Cyclone, I assume.
PELOSI: ...perhaps, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.
ERIK: No matter. We're more of an underground news source. However, we're still very successful, if you understand where I'm going.
PELOSI: ...
JEFF: What we're saying is that we've got money. And prestige. We can get you some good coverage, and donate to the party using some PACs and 527s, which we learned about in Government.
ERIK: All we're asking for is a personal endorsement of the Cyclone. We'd like to be congressionally approved.
PELOSI: Um, that's very nice, boys. You're very smart young men, it seems, and Brown is a good school. And Missouri has good sports. Oh, what about you? *points to Michael Hinojosa*
MICHAEL: Nancy Pelosi. My father has told me all about you, of course.

End conversation.

So, as you can tell, it's official: THE HILLCREST CYCLONE IS APPROVED BY CONGRESS.

Which probably isn't saying much at the moment, but suck it, other DISD underground satire blogs! SUCK IT.

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More Photos of Us Schmoozing

Meet Chris Bayer

Mattia Flabiano reports.

Since Hillcrest’s introduction as one of the premier Wizarding institutions in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, it has been home to some unique creatures from around the globe.

“The Cyclone has uncovered various mythological beasts throughout the grounds of Hillcrest,” Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson said, “We’ve confirmed the presence of werewolves, babies, Swine Flu, super sayians, reincarnated presidents, and terrorists, all within the walls of HHS.”

But a recent discovery may trump them all.

Since his arrival at Hillcrest High School, students around campus have called the assistant football and baseball coach, Chris Bayer “peculiar”, “emotionless”, and “funny looking.” It wasn’t until the release of the worldwide blockbuster Star Trek, that people began to understand his true nature.

“Yes, I am a Vulcan.” Bayer revealed to the Cyclone after being assured this information would never reach the public.

This revelation shocked many students around the school, but not all.

“Of course he’s a Vulcan. I don’t think he’s ever smiled,” notorious trekkie Jessie Degani assured the Cyclone. “Mr. Bayer acts exactly like Commander Spock did in season 1, episode 16, when he had to save a group of stranded...”

(The Cyclone can only stand so much Star Trek talk before we lose the will to keep typing.)

“…is so cool, referencing the crossover episode with TNG that is Spock’s last chronological appearance before the new movie,” Degani finished.

Bayer has always aspired to something greater than grunt assistant work. This is why he has recently submitted an application for the assistant principal’s job at a local high school.

“Of course an assistant coach and an assistant principal are not the same thing,” Bayer replied in a monotone, emotionless voice. "Any other assumption would be... illogical."

Bayer’s disclosure of his non-human origin may put a dent in his resume.

“Father’s not very happy with Coach Bayer,” Michael Hinojosa told the Cyclone in an over-the-phone interview. “He’s reporting him to the school governors and the Ministry of Magic.”

Bayer isn’t too worried about the Minister’s reaction.

“I got a great rec from a friend of mine, Rudy Garza.” Bayer told us. All attempts to find this Rudy Garza have been thus far unsuccessful, leading several sources to suggest that Garza either doesn't exist or is in Azkaban.

The emergence of a new species into Hillcrest High School is surprising news to be sure, but the question remains, what else is out there and how long will it be before they are realized?

Hillcrest: boldly going where no school has gone before.

It's Friday Night/Saturday Morning

Truly an all time favorite. Hope Friday nights went well, and I hope they are possibly not over yet. In the case that they are, let Saturday treat you well.

Friday the 8th Live Blog

Today I brought my handy-dandy laptop to school. A run-down of life as a senior.

8:42- I arrive to school. I walk in the doors, and proceed to the metal detector. The “security guard” asks my friend whether she has pepper spray in her bag.

8:50- I stroll into AP English Literature with the hit-list writing Dr. McGaffey. I simply ask her what we are doing today, and she responds: Nothing. My heart flutters. Less than half of the class is here.

8:59- The internets at our school are not working. The fluttering ceases. I begin to watch Step Brothers.

9:37- Absolutely doing nothing. Why are we here.

9:45- First period ends to my delight.

9:50- Second period AP Statistics begins. 7 people are here. Seriously?



10:13- All of statistics has been spent playing Catchphrase. Boys vs. girls, the boys shall conquer all.

10:31- How the hell are we supposed to get antihistamine?

10:40- Second period ends.

10:45- Teacher is absent!

10:58- Mmmm Potbelly…

11:46- Back to school to see the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Baldridge. Once again more than half of the class has failed to show up. Baldridge tells us how much he hates us, and is trying to beat us up.

11:46- He didn’t say or do any of those things, I was kidding.

12:05- I have begun to iChat with Mr. Baldridge, as he sits 10 feet away. Class population= 6.



12:56- The creation of the Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement is almost complete. And that’s how I spent all of 4th period.

1:09- “I want to be the kind of grandpa where I am just kind of like a crazy old man. I want to be the guy who jumps off of the yacht into the water and says, ‘Come on in guys! The water just got a little warmer!’” -Mr. Baldridge

1:15- 4th period ends.

1:20- Newspaper begins. Coincidentally, so does nap time.

1:58- Counting the minutes until school ends. Having a little fun on Urban Dictionary. Notable words: duck butt, Lizzie McGuire, a few others as well

2:10- 5th ends, off to Calculus

2:13- Mrs. Lucy says she does not want to see us after we have taken our AP exam, so I follow her directions.

2:22- Home. Educational day is over.

2:44- Gotten a few good games of FIFA 09 in, and it’s time to head back to school for a little baseball. TGIMFF

2:50- Back to the Crest. What a Friday. Everyone have a magnificent weekend.

Uh Oh, We Talked About the Fight Club

Back in the day, Hillcrest used to be pretty tame. Sure, there was the occasional evacuation of the school due to multiple fights/riots/rap battles and the ensuing release of mace into the school's ventilation system, but what school doesn't have those occasional slip-ups? It's not like we were South Oak Cliff cage fighters.

But at Hillcrest we're all about constant progress, and occasionally linear regression into Neanderthal-like beings.

Confused? Lie down with an ice cold glass of tea (two sugars, none of that Splenda crap) and let the Cyclone educate you.

AP testing is tough. At the Cyclone we fully understand that. But while your honorable Cyclone narrators may engage in a Pokemon battle or write silly fake news articles to avoid studying blow off steam, other HHS kids have a new tactic: fighting.

According to occasionally reliable sources, there have been, like, 12 or 13 fights this week. And a stabbing.

Suck it, SOC!!!!!

"It's easily explained," said senior Jonathan Wilson. "As president of the Hillcrest Fight Club, we try to encourage positive reinforcement and a good way to vent frustration through our coordinated fights. Obviously, some of our members have taken that a bit too far, which is regrettable. Although I would like to mention that Fight Club members are 7-0-1 against non-FC members, with 4 KOs."



Other students have verified the Fight Club's record.

"I saw one fight where the FC dude just beat the crap out of this lame-o sophomore," said freshman Jesse Degani by phone from his seat in Mr. Baldridge's Environmental Science class. "The sophomore got some good licks in and the judges gave the FC fighter a split decision, but it should've been unanimous. His right jab was phenomenal."

The administration was less enthused about the recent fights.

"I just would like to encourage students not to beat each other silly," said Headmaster Shelton. (Future Headmaster Jones could not be reached at press time.) "And if you do have to beat each other silly, use those silly Roc'Em Soc'Em gloves. Not knives. I would really like to discourage knife usage. And no katanas, either, for anyone who saw Wolverine last Friday."

The fighting spirit has really taken root in the HHS population, though. A record 20 wizard duels are scheduled for tomorrow afternoon on the practice football field.

"My father has taught me some great spells," boasted valedictorian Michael Hinojosa. "I'd say my magic's just about on Dr. McGaffey's level by now."



(Full disclosure: Cyclone writer Jeff Wilke, aka Voldemort, will not be taking part in the dueling tomorrow, as he has tested positive for a banned substance known as HRX [commonly referred to as "horcruxes"].)

This is a developing story, and we will keep you updated. (Tips are appreciated. Email us or just comment.)

The Cyclone would like to remind students that fighting is against HHS policy, and that students could get seriously hurt, or worse - expelled.

UPDATE: Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-raiser

WE HAVE DONE IT!!!!! $90 has been raised through charitable donation, and you shall see a Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement in the final issue of the 2009 Hillcrest Hurricane.

Hillcrest Baseball Is Quite Fertile

In the wake of Major League Baseball's breaking news earlier today regarding Manny Ramirez, members of Hillcrest baseball have stepped forward and admitted their drug usage.

The drug being taken into account in both situations is hCG, or commonly known as human chorionic gonadotropin. hCG is a women's fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body's natural testosterone production.

"Yeah, I took hCG," said sophomore Spencer Klein. "SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE I DID STEROIDS OR ANYTHING!" Klein said as he threw a chair against the wall of the baseball locker room.

Klein is not the only Hillcrest Panther to admit usage of the drug. Junior Phillip Sartain has had his run-ins with hCG as well.

"Did I do hCG? Yes," Sartain said. "But I didn't use it for any steroid-related purposes at all."

I was befuddled, but the rest of the Hillcrest Panther baseball team denied further comment on the issue, although this might explain Paul Seitz's unnaturally cherub-like looks.

Lesson learned. Male athletes should probably stay away from women's fertility medicine. No suspensions have been handed down by the school or district as of yet.

Sorry for the lack of postage yesterday, Jeff W and I have recently finished a run of 4 AP tests in 4 days. Wait what's that smell? Oh, it's an FML.

Quote of the Day

"You know, I don't think I'm going to do this today."

-Senior Ben Debus after being handed the essay portion of the AP English Literature exam.

Hillcrest Cyclone is One Month Old

"I've been hit over 6300 times!"


Thank you for your continued support of The Cyclone.