Dallas Morning News Special Report

-->

The Hillcrest Cyclone is excited to announce that we've gained the rights to a special sneak peek of an article that will be run in tomorrow's Dallas Morning News, as a follow-up to today's groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism covering Hillcrest's ASP program.

Enjoy.

-

HILLCREST HIGH SCHOOL: A BOILING CESSPOOL OF CORRUPTION IN A LARGER CESSPOOL OF NEPOTISM AND EVILNESSA special feature by DMN reporter Rita Skeeter.
Hillcrest High School. A quaint, homely building on Hillcrest road - not particularly alluring, but not particularly repelling, either. Sure, the senior parking spaces could use repainting, and maybe the grass occasionally could use a mow, but it looks like a nice place to go to high school, make some friends, and get a great education.

This humble exterior is just a façade, a misdirection to hide the extreme source of evil within Hillcrest’s halls.

My colleague Ms. Stahl has already documented the nepotistic controversy at Hillcrest that is indicative of an underlying dark force surrounding HHS. Being the fine investigative reporter that I am, though, I decided to take a second look into Hillcrest and see what was really going on there.

First I met with Michael Martinez, director of operations for ASP, the service that the superintendent’s son allegedly – nay, I say, DEFINITELY AND KNOWINGLY – abused.

“Oh, that’s actually no big deal,” said a laughing Martinez when I spoke to him. “Part of what makes ASP great is the fact that we’ve got first-generation kids sitting next to kids from experienced college families, since we’ve seen in our work that having those latter kids as an example and those parents as a resource helps the program be more efficient. So really we were… hey, why are you writing down that I ‘confessed to killing numerous women and children to guarantee the superintendent’s son’s entry into the program?’ Hey, stop it! I didn’t say that!”

It became obvious that Mr. Martinez was a pathological liar/serial killer by his own admission and that he had nothing of value to say, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Like Anne Coulter exposing the moral decrepitude of anyone who isn’t Christian in her factually accurate and unbiased books and columns, or like the commenters on a Dallas Morning News blog whose comments get turned into stories on the front page of the Metro section a month later, I decided not to settle for the truth. I needed something more.

What I got, though, was something I never could have expected.

“The ASP controversy is just a ruse,” said my source within Hillcrest, who asked that he/she not be named. “This is a distraction for the news outlets, to draw them away from the big picture… how Michael Hinojosa (II) became valedictorian.”

I perked up, since all Dallas news reporters are trained to keep an ear out for any negative comments about DISD or the superintendent.

It turns out, according to my source – who, by the way, is extremely reliable, and has played Seeker on the Slytherin House Quidditch Team at Hogwarts Hillcrest for the last five years – that Mikey Jr actually gained his intelligence not by invading ASP and insisting that the program allocate all resources to him and him alone, but that he used some much more sinister means.

“Have you ever seen Heroes? It’s kind of like Sylar,” said my source, smoothing back his platinum blond hair. “The truth is, Michael Hinojosa isn’t very smart naturally. He gained his intelligence by eating the souls of his fellow students.”

I smiled devilishly, immediately knowing that this was why Harvard had admitted him, not because he had great test scores or extracurriculars or essays or a proven track record of leadership! Everyone knows that Harvard is a soul-crushing university. Their new student just took that tradition to a new extreme.

Predictably, this led to backlash on the Dallas Morning News DISD blog.

“What I want to know is whether DISD allocated any of these souls to schools other than Hillcrest,” said one commenter. “The kids at Samuell could really use some of these extra souls that Hinojosa’s been eating. Classic DISD elitism.”

“I don’t care about the souls,” said a commenter named, ‘Touch My Magnet School and I Will Kill You and Pillage Your House.’ “I just want to make sure that DISD isn’t taking any money from magnet schools to feed the superintendent’s son’s fetish, because if they do, all I can say is that us magnet parents are going to start blogging a lot about DISD, and it’s not going to be very nice! Take money from North Dallas and Woodrow – who cares about their kids anyway?”

I hear you, bloggers, parents, countrymen. I hear you. That’s why the Dallas Morning News has been reporting on this riveting information ever since Hinojosa got here. (And Moses. And so on and so on and so on.) Obviously, this shocking piece of news means that Jack Lowe should immediately step down, because I cannot think of anyone who is more responsible for this tragedy than him. Yes, let’s get rid of him. Wait, he’s not board president any more? Who is? Medrano? Okay, let’s get rid of him!

“This is sickening,” said another commenter named "Big Bird" on the message boards. “This is the final straw. I call for a full-scale investigation of Michael Hinojosa the Younger. How do we even know he graduated? I heard that he never even went to class and that he actually went to Jesuit but was put on Hillcrest enrollment as a political move. This is just sickening.”

It’s been a tough couple of months here at the News, as many of you know. Carla Ranger, the nominee we backed for DISD board president, didn’t make it, but on the bright side we’re still, in our role as an objective news source, pushing her to be named Defender of Justice, Harbinger of Truth, and Only Board Member We Like for the 2009-2010 school year. That coupled with Lord Medrano’s hostile coup and deadly takeover of the Board, plus this ASP/soul-eating business, has just pushed this senior reporter down in the dumps.

But then my fellow reporters pick me up and I realize how wonderful life is. Just look at the hard work our staff is doing. I’m particularly excited about the new feature we’ve debuted called “Hinny-Watch,” where we follow the superintendent’s son around as he does his daily business and make snide comments about his dad’s haircut. Good job so far, Lori!

When it comes down to it, what’s great about this newspaper is that, like in life, we have a choice. We have the choice to report on something substantive; to report from both sides of an issue; to give the readers maybe not what they want to hear but what they need to hear, not what sells papers but what makes them useful – or we can spend our time lambasting authority figures and trying to criticize eighteen-year-old kids (who never asked to be in the spotlight) on the front page of our newspaper. And I’m proud to say that we’ve modernized, that we’ve moved past outdated 20^th century concepts such as “truth” or “objectivity” or “reasonable amount of respect” and moved on to the new age of journalism, when posts are designed to gain comments bashing people who are honestly trying to make a difference.

Because that’s what life is about. Life is about having your hopes constantly crushed and eventually coming to realize that everything that seems good is bad and that nothing gold can stay. And that gossip is wayyyyyyyyy more fun to write about than actual news.

Signing off for the DMN, I’m Rita Skeeter. Keep your eyes open, readers: I heard from a school blog that DISD also sponsors al-Qaeda through an individual known on Mohammed Talib! More on that in the coming days.

The Cyclone sincerely thanks Ms. Skeeter for her piece, and wishes to publicly agree with her on the dangers of Mohammed Talib.