A Few Articles for Your Consideration

Editor's note: Check out the May 28 issue of the Hurricane and look at the bottom lefthand corner of Page 10. Yeah.

Tomorrow shall be epic. Tomorrow will be the first day that Hillcrest will have to go without Jeff Wilke and Erik Severson in four years except for days we skipped. On that note, I finally realized, "Holy smoked salmon, I'm going to graduate tomorrow and then it'll just seem kind of pathetic when I stalk the Cyclone," and that I really needed to finish up a few last articles, because you all have been deprived of news for too long to let any good tip these days go to waste.

So, our final few stories from the outgoing seniors, meaning me since Erik is lazy as hell. (Expect something about graduation, especially if Jake streaks.)

MATTIA FLABIANO, OTHERS BLANKED AT HILLCREST SENIOR AWARDS

Recently, Hillcrest hosted its annual senior awards banquet, honoring the hard work of its senior class, plus the mediocre work that mainly was the norm over the last four years at HHS. Awards were extensive, ranging from scholarship offers to specific subject awards to awards for something called "character," which according to one source in the know, "is a term we use to make people feel better about themselves."

Oddsmakers had covered the event, and had Mattia Flabiano and Ross Shwarts as the two-to-one favorites in the Science category, for starters. In fact, Flabiano was a favorite in many categories, but much like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, his many nominations led to naught at the actual ceremony.

"I'm stunned," said a visibly flustered Flabiano after the ceremony. "I just don't understand how Mattia Flabiano got blanked. Mattia Flabiano is the best in the business, see? If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."

According to the reports, Flabiano tried to rush the stage when he failed to receive an award for Outstanding Math student, but Navy SEAL Chase McLean tackled him against the stairs and held him in place until security could be called in to restrain him.



But the surprises weren't done. In perhaps the biggest shocker of the night, Hillcrest heartthrob Ryan Callender lost out in the Best Hair category to dark horse nominee Hugo Calderon.

"I'm surprised," said hair analyst and Hillcrest senior Abraham Juarez, who pulled himself out of contention days before the awards show to rest his hair for the Hair Modeling League Playoffs, beginning June 2nd. "Callender has the long flowing hair that judges tend to like, but Calderon was always the guy who could bring him down. That guy's hair is insane."

Calderon didn't notice he had won, as he was busy with his phone throughout the ceremony, and had to be led onstage by friends and family.

All things said and done, the show went smoothly, as your friendly neighborhood Cyclone founders picked up a couple awards, whether it was a scholarship for Mr. HHS or the Silver Crest award. Voting for Best Earthly Human ended in a tie, with the Cycloners sharing the award with LeBron James, who took a flight down to Dallas in between getting his [expletive] handed to him by the Orlando Magic.

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HUMAN RIGHTS EXPERTS ACCUSE HILLCREST OF SUPPRESSING DEMOCRACY

In a stunning turn yesterday, the UN placed sanctions on Hillcrest High School for, in the words of the UN press release, "suppressing and subverting the democratic process in student-body elections."

Headmaster Ronald Jones denied comment, except to say that, "Hillcrest is seriously looking to these allegations and speaking with the Mock Trial team for legal advice."

Specifically, the UN is concerned about the elections held for StuCo this year - or the lack thereof, more specifically.

"We have evidence that purports that elections weren't even held at Hillcrest High School," said UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon. "Obviously we feel that sanctions are necessary."

The official UN report cites the fact that while elections weren't held, positions were handed out by the StuCo incumbents. In particular, Taylor Hinojosa received a high-ranking position while his brother was StuCo president. Coincidence?

"We were concerned about the Hinojosa regime from the beginning," said a snitch an anonymous source within the Hillcrest halls. "Michael was a by-the-books dictator who operated behind the scenes, which is probably why most people never even knew he was StuCo president. And now he's just handing the reigns over to his brother! Michael Hinojosa is purportedly letting go of power, but everyone thinks that he's just using Taylor as a puppet. That's why I went to the UN about this."

Michael Hinojosa didn't have anything to say about the sanctions, although he did want to warn kids that "snitches get stitches."

The Obama administration was disturbed to the point of holding a press conference over the issue.

"Obviously we're worried about these recent reports and the recent sanctions by the UN, especially considering that we've been stationed inside Hillcrest for the last five years," said President Obama during the press conference, which would explain the fact that Marines have been wandering the halls since Dr. Crawford came to HHS. (People were kind of wondering about that.) "We still maintain our goal of withdrawing from Hillcrest within the next eighteen months, although we obviously need to make sure there's stability within the region. We do feel that progress is being made, although progress is a slow and difficult journey."

Several political commentators have emphasized the seriousness of the situation by the fact that President Obama held a press conference on the issue at a time when North Korea is having nuclear tests and training Super-Saiyans.

"It's a mess," said an anonymous former interim principal at HHS. "But it's Jones's problem now. Let this be a lesson to all you kids: hit it and quit it!"

I Yank the Thang

As summer approaches, we tend to do bad things. However; everyone control yourself and be smarter than this kid.  

"And he smokes with cigarettes" 

The Hillcrest Cyclone Has Jumped the Shark

The recent handover of control of the controversial, bestselling blog the Hillcrest Cyclone from two outgoing seniors to two rising sophomores has caused a flurry of outrage, as blog readers across the world are worried that there could be a dip in Cyclone quality.

"Dip in quality is putting it lightly," said Cyclone ombudsman Drew Vine. "The Cyclone has jumped the shark."



Whether the Cyclone has "jumped the shark" so to speak is a matter of controversy befitting to Hillcrest's edgiest blog. First, historical precedents are helpful to know when judging whether the HC has "jumped the shark."

"There are always changes in shows, books, blogs, etc," said media critic and Hillcrest graduate Ben Gallant. "For instance, Emma totally killed Friends, just like ER never really recovered after Clooney and Edwards left. On the other hand, House appeared to jump the shark with the season four auditions, but ironically enough, the show was rejuvenated by the return of one of the auditioning doctors - Amber - late in the season, and it's been strong ever since. Hey, while I've got you, do you want to hang out later? I'm bored."

The critics have split up in two camps: the pessimists and the optimists, the former opposing the new Cyclone regime and the latter supporting it.

"The new writers just plain suck," said an anonymous critic named "Disappointed," who was too cowardly to use his/her actual name decided to remain anonymous to preserve objectivity. "As a freshman, I was 5.6% funnier than them. You guys should hire me. Wait, no you shouldn't, because I would pee my pants if I ever actually put myself out there to criticism in an effort to have some fun and amuse others."

Those words weren't even the harshest criticism for the new Cyclone editors.

"As an objective outside observer, I can plainly state that Will Look sucks and is a disgrace to the Look family," said Hillcrest alum Rob Look (no relation).

While many of the pessimists are turning tail and fleeing, the optimists are hopeful that the Cyclone will prevail.

"Let's face it, there's some good ideas in there," said media critic and outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano. "James King doing taekwondo during a frisbee game? Funny because it's true! Emily Westbrook speaking in a 'lively' tone? HILARIOUS! It's just the execution. They just need some innings under their belts. And who knows, change may be a good thing - they may even include some nonwhite people in their stories! Hillcrest is only, what, 85% minority?"

Also, others note, the actual quality dropoff has been exaggerated.

"The grammar has been a big issue, but let's face the facts," said future English teacher Jenny Davenport. "Erik doesn't know a run-on sentence from a fragment. They're really not losing much there."

While it's clear the controversy over the changing of the guard will last for a long while, the Cyclone shows no signs of packing up shop and failing to report on the hottest issues at HHS, from poo spills to mace fights to the Cyclone itself. Cyclone co-founder/demigod Erik Severson had some wise words for all of the doubters.

"Look, dude, you're losing a lot with me and Jeff leaving. We're two genui (that's the plural form of 'genius' - I invented it) that haven't graced the halls of Hillcrest since Harriet Miers went here. The new guys are going to have their scratches and bruises, but they're going to be better and funnier people because of it. The Cyclone is more than a funny blog... it's an ideal we can all aspire to, and I was always taught that those ideals survive for eternity, that they keep us going when the going gets tough. And also, Jeff and I have commissioned statues of ourselves to be placed in the front hall, so if you ever miss us you can go check those out and leave roses at our feet. Cool beans, huh?"

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Full disclosure: early feedback from test audiences indicated that this article was "disappointing" and "stoopid."