Hillcrest High School and the Prom of Secrets

Quite a kerfluffle was caused today when it was announced that the location of prom would be kept secret until the day of the event.

"I know this will just make you more inquisitive, but we will not release the location of prom until May 2nd, the day of prom," stated Headmaster Shelton at the Opening Feast of Hogwarts a senior assembly. "Suffice it to say that it will be a magical night."

Needless to say this caused quite a din of excitement and confusion in the Great Hall - er, auditorium.

"I really don't care," said senior Ben Debus in a monotone.

"Also," continued Headmaster Shelton with a merry twinkle in his eye whilst stroking his beard, "transportation will be provided to the event."

"I really don't care," said Debus again, prompting giggles from those around him.

"This also means that Apparition wards will be set up and no one can leave early in their own cars," Shelton continued, prompting every shallow male student who was hoping to get laid on prom night to groan.

"If my father knew about this!" senior Michael Hinojosa (pictured below) fumed.



"This is Voldemort's doing!" whispered one frustrated male student. The aforementioned dark lord (human name: Mr. Baldridge) smiled evilly as his translucent form slithered into the shadows.

In the meantime, Headmaster Shelton also announced that the revered Goblet of Fire would be used to select Prom King and Queen, but no one seemed too bothered by that, funnily enough.

"Hem, hem," said Hillcrest High Inquisitor Mrs. McNutt, garnering the attention of the crowd. "Only one guest per student will be allowed. So that means no more than one date."

"WHAT!" screamed notorious playboy Kevin Latta, who was subsequently subdued with a Stunning Spell.

"But no kids from Woodrow, they steal stuff," clarified McNutt, who also confirmed rumors that she would be attending prom as Michael Harrison's date. "Tickets for prom are $55, except for Highland Park kids. Tell them tickets are $200. That's chump change for them."

Upon news of the ticket prices, several Hillcrest students sold their younger siblings to pay for tickets. At press time it was not known whether these transactions went through or not.

Headmaster Shelton then revealed transportation for the event. Before this was done, students had expected anything: threstrals, flying ships, and possibly even school buses. What they hadn't expected, however, was an armored car.



"We take security of our students very seriously here," said Deputy Headmaster Cuevas, on his first day back at school after a vicious surprise attack by graffiti artists. (The Cyclone is pleased to report that Mr. Cuevas's face is only slightly purple and the blue stains on his hands are hardly noticeable anymore.) "These vans come with a machine gunner, which is just great, and a complex video camera system that we have no intention of using. I would like to note that anyone who brings iPods/iPhones, cell phones, or Weasley Wizarding Wheezes products will be shot upon entry, as will anyone without a ticket."

The twinkle in Headmaster Shelton's eyes disappeared and he began mouthing the words, "Not true!" and shaking his head so frantically that his merry beard almost fell off.

"Also," continued a pleased Mr. Cuevas, "I have been informed that these cars are nearly graffiti-proof."

Whether this last claim is true is debatable since the clear message, "(expletive) you Civas (sic)," was spray-painted on the cars not fifteen minutes later in neon green.

Headmaster Shelton avoided any questions about underclassman attending, although he did say that only fourth years and above would be allowed. Rumor has it that famous frisbee star/rapper Austin Holmes, better known by his stage name of F.O.F., would be performing a set at the event, but Holmes's reps declined comment and Holmes merely informed us to "check my stats at checkmystats.me" and sadly it appeared upon further investigation that he really wasn't kidding, negating any excitement for his appearance.

Hillcrest Yule Ball Prom will be on May 2, 2009.

-

Austin Holmes is the Cockiest Kid Around [FOF Official Blog]

Quote of the Day

Taken from an actual rough draft of a newspaper story. (Click for zoomed-in view.)







"Although my recent visit for a first taste ever at one of their hot dogs."

Fine journalism, folks. Fine journalism.

Hillcrest Teacher Holds Grudges? You Be the Judge

In a recent confession to her first period class, AP English teacher Dr. McGaffey has openly admitted to having a "Hit List." What this means I am not sure of, but The Cyclone has gained exclusive rights to a document with the details of this list.

Obviously the Hit List (pictured) is rather clear about its intentions. At The Cyclone, we have been speculating why McGaffey would have wanted to put a "hit" on these persons or entities.

1. Kevin Latta- The soccer-playing joker who is possibly one of McGaffeys deepest arch-rivals. Latta has been known to interrupt class regularly with pithy comments on the text and ruin soliloquies with his ironic deliveries, as well as inverting the titles of popular John Milton epics. In response, McGaffey moves him around regularly to prevent him from talking, which only leads to him talking louder, and the rivalry has reached a boiling point.

"Dr. McGoofy," drawled Latta in his typically drawn-out speech pattern during a recent class, "I was just wondering if you think Milton secretly enjoyed writing about the sexual activities of those gods. I think he did."

"Kevin, you're moving," McGaffey replied. "I am about to lose my cool with you."

"Whoa, whoa, chill out, D.R.M.C.G.," said Latta, but McGaffey did not chill out.

"Kevin, I wouldn't mind it if you just left," she said.

"Okay, sweet," he said, and he did.

2. The media- Anything other than English literature can burn.

3. Erik Severson- The Cyclone founder/editor has recently peeved McGaffey to the brim. Due to my nine absences in her first period, D-Mac revealed her "list" to the students as she placed me on it. She then proceeded to read out every single absence I have had. In quote of Jonah Hill, "I'm a senior, they should be suckin' on my [expletive]."

As quoted on the day of my ninth absence, "Erik Severson is on my hit list. He's in real trouble with me and I'm going to make sure he pays," she said with a menacing glare at my empty desk.

Grudge?

4. Albus Dumbledore- The elderly wizard and Dr. McGaffey have had a rough relationship throughout time. After decades of dating the two parted ways, probably due to the fact the long-distance relationship between Hillcrest and Hogwarts wasn't working. In addition to a lover's grudge, Dumbledore is in the book Harry Potter, a much despised piece of writing by McGaffey, who will kill anyone who uses it on the AP Literature exam.

Maybe, just maybe, McGaffey has successfully launched her first attack. Dumbledore is the only person on this list who has actually died. Coincidence? Maybe it wasn't Snape after all...

5. Jake Sherrington- Kevin Latta's counterpart in interruption and anger-causing. By constantly referring to her as "Doctor" and "Miss," Sherrington is a clear candidate for a "hit." She has all of the tell-tale signs of a devious plot against Sherrington. She has even gone so far as to "scuff his kicks."

Sherrington could not be reached for comment, but The Cyclone was lucky enough to recover one of his papers containing his class notes from his English class. It read, "Man, dis lady iz crazy. She don't know wut she be talkin bout. She don't kno me. She don't kno where I be from."

6. Tardies- This "hit" has caused questioning throughout The Cyclone. None of us are quite sure how to kill an idea that doesn't physically exist, but McGaffey seems to have some sort of deeper knowledge of magic that could've possibly been picked up in her time with Dumbledore. She has a blatant hatred of tardiness, and it's only time until they are next.

Dr. McGaffey... more akin to Dr. Frankenstein or Dr. Zhivago? You decide.

Image of the Day

Because sometimes taking notes is overrated.

Mr. Baldridge Hates Life in General

CYCLONE NEWS
Jeff Wilke

Biology and AP Environmental Science teacher Mr. Baldridge has recently displayed his disgust at the state of his life in general.

"I am sick of all this [expletive]," Mr. Baldridge was heard saying before a recent 4th period class. "I did not sign on for this. Screw you, Drew, stop talking to me."

Needless to say Mr. Baldridge's students were stunned.

"I can't believe Baldy would just be so rude and callous," junior Drew Vine said. "Usually that's
my job. I think Baldy's having some real personal issues."

Other Hillcrest students agree.

"Yes," said senior Andrew Asay before he was even asked a question. He then shyly giggled and turned away, confirming the Cyclone's suspicions that students are worried about Mr. Baldridge.

Mr. Baldridge is known for his fondness toward the environment, his use of Dr. Seuss children's books rather than scientific text books, and his pale, deathlike skin that at times is transparent. Recently, however, he has shooed away students and staff alike, leading some to believe that serious plots are afoot.

"I think Baldridge is planning a coup of the school," said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "He's always displayed a tendency toward the melodramatic and he'd make a really good evil overlord since he already kind of looks like a zombie."

He has also resorted to threatening his students with such horrific offenses as poo dollars and upper deckers if they don't pass their AP exams.

"He said that we'd go to the zoo," complained senior Avery Bul. "We haven't!"

"Mr. Baldridge [lied and I hate him forever and I wonder if he] is all right," said senior Jenny Davenport.

"I hate Mondays," Mr. Baldridge said when asked for comment. "Go away before I smack you silly."

[At least 5% of this report is true. The names of the classes he teaches are right, at least.]

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