Hillcrest Considering Secession?

Taking a page from Texas Governor Rick Perry, recent comments from Hillcrest Senior Class President Jenny Davenport suggest that the high school would look into secession from DISD.

"To be frank, we've grown sick of district mandates," said Davenport after a recent Student Council meeting. "You know - grading, attendance, all that kind of stuff. We entered this district as an independent school, and we can leave it as one too."

Davenport's comments were notably harsher than Perry's (seen below), although the overall point remains similar.



A very harried Deputy Headmaster Cuevas was seen leaving the school premises on Friday afternoon, reporters trailing his every move.

"What the Student Council does is its own business," he said to the throng when asked for comment. "HHS has no official comment at this time."

But in the afternoon session of Student Council, the student body passed a resolution condemning district power over the school. The resolution, while meaningless because the school willingly entered the district and has no power whatsoever, did succeed in really pissing some Dallas officials off, because not twenty minutes later Dallas police showed up looking for school officials.

"Headmaster Shelton, we're here to arrest you," said a policeman after cornering the headmaster in the hallways. Shelton surveyed the scene, amused.

"Hm, I thought we might run into that little problem," he said, twinkle in his eye. "You see, I have no intention of - what is the phrase? Coming quietly, yes. I have no desire to be arrested."

And then he disappeared in a blast of fire, probably through the use of advanced magic. Headmaster Shelton is a baller like that.

The Student Council was rounded up but eventually let go due to the mercy of DISD officials, and the student leadership quickly disavowed talks of secession.

"Clearly, I stated that we have a great union," explained Davenport. "And Hillcrest is part of a great union. I see no reason for that to change. I think that may not be the exact quote, but that is in essence what I said."

This left everyone wondering whether secession still may lie in Hillcrest's future.

"Dumb dumb dumb dumb," spluttered a red-faced StuCo President Michael Hinojosa, who never attends meetings had not been present at the meetings. "I've never heard such a dumb idea in my life."

At press time the Cyclone had not received word of Headmaster Shelton's whereabouts.

-

This is it until Sunday. Have a great weekend.

Caught on Tape: Kleptothief Paul Seitz

Known to many as the kid who managed to shatter both of his legs last year, junior Paul Seitz, despite his cherubic looks, is up to no good... still.

The Cyclone set up a trap hidden camera to see just how "innocent" this baby-faced kiddo was. Seen below is Seitz, who has the undeniable urge to steal anything and everything his eye catches. The loot in this case, a hotel room key, which was speculated to be used by Seitz in order to get into our room in the depths of the night. What he had planned we may never know.

In response to this video, Paul Seitz made the claim that "this wasn't him," and we "had the wrong guy."

The Cyclones' rebuttal to Seitz's claims:

The Cyclone sees a resemblance between the video klepto and the cute kid above. So next time you are missing a pencil, shoe, wallet, or maybe even a fragment of your soul, know that Paul Seitz very well could have been behind it. Well, either him or that damned Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib.

G'd Up From the Deceit Up: Episode I

Here is a new weekly feature we have starting at The Cyclone, written by Kevin Latta. Dramatic, compelling, and very mysterious, G'd Up From the Deceit Up tells the lore and legend of the 2009 Hillcrest soccer team.

For the past two soccer seasons, I have been hiding. Hiding… in broad daylight. There is an idea of a Kevin Latta; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

Thus has been the cold reality of my life for the past two years, spent deep undercover, investigating a phenomenon that seldom makes its presence known beyond the pitch. In order to witness one of the world of Hillcrest High School’s natural phenomena, I was forced to erase all traces of my previous self, similar to Will Smith’s character in the exciting/humorous 1997 film Men In Black. Fortunately, I was allowed to keep my fingerprints in tact.Unfortunately, I was not deemed “worthy” of a Noisy Cricket. My apologies for the bitterness, but the prospect of a two-inch gun that can destroy half of a New York City block was pretty much the reason I got into investigative journalism/espionage. But I digress…

The Hillcrest Soccer Organization has gained critical acclaim for the success of its teams in recent years. In addition to the success of H.C.F.P. (Hillcresto Club de Futbol Playings), the organization has garnered a reputation for flair, intrigue, mystery, and scandal. From numerous on field brawls to inner squad clashes due to a certain Tarzan-esque, beautiful, curly, black-lock-sporting prima donna named Abraham Juarez who will remain unnamed.

This season was full of “mishaps” that were quietly swept under the rug and even when the “mishaps” began to spoil and develop a strange mold, similar to the mold one might find on several week old bread that my mother has left sitting out, failing to recognize the folly of her ways after countless occurrences, Hillcrest High School has managed to metaphorically spray a coating of Febreeze over the rug to cover any remnants of foul play. The rug will soon be lifted, revealing the seedy underbelly of Hillcrest soccer. The mysterious disappearance of coaches, the team's odd tendency to get in fights at every game, the inexplicable development of nicknames for every player on the team, and Major Hendry’s secret to eternal life will all be explained in the episodic exposé.

Buckle your seat belts, kids, its going to be a wild ride…

It's Official: The Hillcrest Cyclone Shocks/Awes/Induces Readers to Tears of Joy

Let the New Age of Media begin.

The Hillcrest Cyclone has recently been named the best blog ever by D Magazine's FrontBurner blog.

"It's about time," said Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson. "We've been writing quality news stories for almost two weeks, and it's nice to finally get a smidgeon of the appreciation we rightfully deserve."

As you will notice at the bottom of the main page, we at the Cyclone have installed a visitor counter to mathematically quantify our dominance over other blog-type things. Already the Cyclone has gained 12,000,712 hits at the time of this post, meaning that the counter couldn't even keep up with our site traffic since it didn't have enough digits.

"The Hillcrest Cyclone has already become the second-most read blog of all time at Blogger behind a blog by a 20-year-old unemployed artist from Brooklyn," said an official statement from Pyra Labs, creators and maintainers of blogspot.com, the site that hosts the Cyclone. "We're somewhat unused to creativity and pure genius when it comes to blogging, but we're working around the clock here to make sure that our servers don't crash from the exponentially increasing traffic the Cyclone will surely enjoy as news of its beastliness spreads across the land."

Interestingly, officials from Hillcrest High School's "official" newspaper, the Hillcrest Hurricane, have refused to comment.

"That's pretty standard," said Cyclone co-founder Jeff Wilke, a handsome individual with untameable hair and the smile of a god. "The Cyclone usually inspires respectful silence in its readers and amongst the proletariat."

The Cyclone's sudden and much deserved upswing in popularity has shocked the newspaper industry. Already the Boston Globe has announced it is folding its operations and rebranding itself as a blog (The Boston Typhoon), hiring Cyclone editor Drew Vine as editor-in-chief for the new blog.

"Basically they saw how much the Cyclone rocked," Vine explained by phone, ignoring the fact that he hasn't even written a story for the Cyclone. "As much as I hate to leave the best blog ever, they're paying me a lot of money, so... Yeah. I'm going to go with money over loyalty any day."

Other rumors persist, but Cyclone editors would like to establish that, contrary to the latest gossip, there are no plans to change the site domain to checkourstats.us. However, the Cyclone's success has rapidly changed the lives of cofounders Severson and Wilke.

"All the colleges that denied us [the] first go 'round have sent us formal letters of apology," said Severson. "They just wanted us to know that we are wonderful people and they're sorry that their admissions offices screwed up and mixed up our files with someone else's. We appreciated the gesture, and as a symbol of our appreciation will spend the next four years spreading voracious lies and harsh untruths about the colleges that originally denied us until they are forced to close their doors, a fate they justly deserve for their ignorance."

The Cyclone's growth as a trusted media source has also translated to growth as a business. As a result, Severson and Wilke are planning on cashing out selling off shares of the formerly private company, Hillcrest Cyclone Inc, to any gullible suckers who are easily scammed prospective investors.

"Business can only go up from here," said Wilke. "With the money we earn from selling off shares of our stock, we plan on buying up all other media sources, starting with the New York Times and the veritable News Corporation entities, until we have a completely unlawful media monopoly and are in a position to control public sentiment and mentality."

Shares are $20 apiece, cash only. Payment can be delivered to Mr. Baldridge's fourth period class, portable five.

Young Life Finds Jesus

While many church groups claim to have "found Jesus" metaphorically and spiritually, Hillcrest Young Life has literally found Jesus.

"He was just hanging out under an overpass," said sophomore Blake Atwell. "His clothes were kind of ratty and he sorta smelled like liquor, though, but he said he was Jesus."





Young Life took the hobo-turned-savior under their wing and housed and fed him for several weeks. While Jesus usually kept busy sleeping off apparent hangovers and watching reruns of Ugly Betty, the group wasn't bothered.

"He seemed like a really nice guy," said senior Justin Hernandez. "When he wasn't passed out and everything."

Other members were less confident.

"He never did any miracles," said Atwell. "He chugged half a bottle of rum without vomiting, but that didn't seem like it qualified."

The group was alerted to the suspicious nature of "Jesus"'s actions when he was found trying to steal a car in the school parking lot with a crowbar and an inflatable balloon dog. Five ounces of marijuana were later found on the supposed Jesus.

"It was a shock," said Nichole Porras. "I never thought that would happen. He had the beard and everything."

"It makes sense that Jesus is a stoner," said David Kleinman, who isn't a member of Young Life but offered comment anyway.

While Young Life is moving past this incident, James King would like to remind everyone that meetings are on Monday and that there will be pizza and Rock Band at his house.

Quote of the Day

"Let's go bang bang, Ms. Podhrasky."
[class goes wild]
"Permission to enter forcefield?"

-Exchange between statistics student and teacher

Introducing: Kevin Latta

The infamous Kevin Latta interviews for a spot at The Cyclone.



This could only be good.

Who is This Boy?

Earlier this school year, Hillcrest received a transfer student by the name of Matthew Talley. Nobody knows the origins of this "Matthew Talley," but being the gritty news source we are, The Cyclone dug deep into "Matthew's" past.

From the get-go, we knew something was different. When Hillcrest started having "random" poo-spills, "brown pride" graffitti, and principals stepping down (or overthrown possibly), we saw a connection. When first examining the case of "Matthew," we first believed he might be part ghost; some sort of evil spirit. Although we could almost see through him, when we failed to stick our arms through his chest we became discouraged.

On April 9th, The Cyclone followed this mysterious student back to a cave about an hour and a half away from Hillcrest. What seemed odd then, only got odder. When we were ready to pursue into the cave, we were stopped by armed guards, none of which spoke English. We left the cave that day with broken hearts and browned pants, but our spirits were unbroken. We were going to get to the bottom of this.

On April 13th at 1800 hours, The Cyclone caught a break. While "Talley" was playing in a Hillcrest High School baseball game, we gained access to the Mattcave. What happened next can only be described as shocking. Jeff Wilke and I found manuscripts containing a foreign text that we could not analyze. We then did the only thing we could do. We took the manuscripts to Dr. James Wright, master of world culture.

"To me it looks like this is a list of demands of some sort," Dr. Wright said. "Then again, it could just be a bunch of scribbles, I don't really know how to read this."

We trusted Dr. Wright's opinion on the fact that this must be a hit-list or radical demands. Aside from the document, we found a passport that belonged to a Mohammed Talib. As we soon found out, Mohammed Talib changed his name to Matthew Talley in order to Americanize himself to relieve suspicion. But suspicion of what?

It all makes sense. Who spilled [explitive] all over our hallways (also known as a biological attack)? Who pressured Dr. Crawford out of office when a certain someone wanted to put his own regime in place? Who would have reason to spray paint "brown pride" on all walls of the school? (Note from Jeff: ...Somewhat of a stretch even by our standards. Talley's pretty pasty.) And finally, who arrived to Hillcrest shortly before all of this took place? (Hint: Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib)

When the story of Mohammed Talib leaked to the student body, many students didn't care at all. But some did. One of whom was marine Kevan Montgomery.

"This is America, we have rules. 1) Speak American, 2) If you're a terrorist, we will get you, and 3) God Bless America," said Montgomery. "Personally, I think Momwad Tleeb (Mohammed Talib) is offensive and un-American and we're gonna get'm."

The Cyclone has no knowledge of future attacks of any sort by the Talib regime, but what we do know, is that nobody is safe. Talib has men everywhere. Footage found from the cave tells us that he is not alone. He will find you. He will capture you. He will have somebody cut off your [expletive].



Mohammed Talib Autobiography

Breaking News: Austin Holmes's Ownage Is At 1,000,000 Hit Points

According to recent claims, Austin Holmes (also known by his alter ego, F.O.F.) has now approached "ownage" levels of 1,000,000, and claims to be growing stronger every day.

Holmes's unprecedented ascension has given some State Department officials pause.

"We've never seen a force rise so quickly," said an anonymous aide to Secretary of State Clinton. "This is a game-changing moment in the history of American diplomacy."

Also adding to White House fears is the fact that Holmes's "beastness" and "all other skills" stats have also reached 1,000,000 hit points. His "Scoring T.D.s," "breaking ankles," and "Speed cuts" stats have also surpassed the benchmark, although some State Department and Hillcrest officials have privately doubted the validity of those particular statistics.

"We are not scrubs," said one Hillcrest Frisbee team member upon learning that Holmes had added the entire Frisbee team to his ownage list. "Well, when Wright's not injuring himself, anyway."

Holmes has also contrarily claimed to have ownage levels of 10,000,000, although officials from the Obama team believe this just to be a typo.

"Whatever his ownage levels, this is a worrisome development," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs in a press conference this morning. "The President is monitoring the situtation closely."

CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was also outspoken about the issue.

"The ownage levels aren't what surprise me," he said when reached by the Cyclone for comment. "It's the fact that Holmes claims he's in Beast Mode 99.9% of the time he's awake. The average human being is only in Beast Mode 1.2% of the time. His beastliness is nearly 100 fold that of you or me!"

Worse, this development goes hand in hand with the nuclear tests recently undergone by the North Koreans. The White House worries that this confluence of rising powers could undermine U.S. hegemony throughout the world, particularly if Holmes's ownage levels rise high enough for him to ascend to Super Saiyan levels.

"A 16-year-old Super Saiyan and North Korea with nuclear capabilities?" groused an official at a recent White House meeting. "Say it ain't so, Joe."

"It ain't so," said Joe Biden obliviously.

Doubts about Holmes's potential for Super Saiyan power have been unfortunately tempered with Holmes's recent acquisition of a mohawk, which is usually an indicator of Super Saiyan transformation, or at least powerful Saiyan magic.

















Obviously the similarity is stunning, and disconcerting.

On the bright side, beyond his supreme ownage abilities, Holmes seems to have taken the transition from mere mortal to supreme beastly god in stride, still acting just like any other kid as he shows YouTube watchers around his mansion, playfully displaying his 73" flat screen, his Hummer, and proudly displaying his support for PETA spokesman Michael Vick. And that elevator is really nifty too.

Quote of the Day

A Hillcrest student explains why Jewish people celebrate Easter.

"Why not? They still believe that He rose and stuff like that."