G'd Up From the Deceit Up: Episode II

Here is the continuing weekly feature we have at The Cyclone, written by Kevin Latta. Dramatic, compelling, and very mysterious, G'd Up From the Deceit Up tells the lore and legend of the 2009 Hillcrest soccer team.

From the first day I stepped on to the field with my new teammates, I became overwhelmed with a strange feeling that some scandalous activities were taking place right under the noses of the Hillcrest population. Something smelled a bit fishy.

I later found out that this “fishy” smell was caused by the pounds of hair gel worn by many members of the team, but my suspicions were later confirmed.

On one particular afternoon, I entered the school through the back, walking past the numerous “brown pride” logos spray painted on the wall and into the boy’s locker room. I changed quietly, staying low key amongst the chattering of a code-like language (which I have recently been told was a dialect of grammatically incorrect Spanish) to keep from blowing my cover. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a strange glimmer that seemed to reflect around several corridors of the prison-ish room. Initially, I though this may have been a hallucination caused by the fumes given off by the chemical reaction of hair gel and sweat that produces a strange “high” similar to the “high” one might experience after sniffing airplane glue out of a paper sack. Mr. Brown, Physics extraordinaire, has admitted to seeing glimmers of light around 180° angles before, but this is likely due to the… uh… “uniqueness” of his eyes.

Upon investigating, I witnessed what may go down as the most bizarre occurrence in Hillcrest history. Before my very eyes, I witnessed sickly thin soccer star David Martinez, Benjamin Button-at-birth look alike Major Hendry, and famously overpaid diva Alex Rodriguez, affectionately known as A-Rod, huddled together. The floor of the locker room was completely covered in syringes. After checking my perifs for signs of the notorious, tricycle riding clown, Jigsaw, I realized that these men were, in fact, not fighting for their lives…. Or were they?

After dodging several swings of A-Rod’s bat (which was actually quite easy… he’s no Collier Bailey), several feminine “punches” from David Martinez, and a barrage of cigarette butts thrown by Major, I was able to grab two syringes off the ground. Running the contents through the lab produced intriguing results.

One syringe, thought to be Major Hendry’s, contained a mixture of Botox, popular youth serum, and pure nicotine, finally providing explanation for Major’s youthful appearance despite his 247 years of life. In the other syringe, my “lab technicians,” which I feel may be a bit of a stretch due to their numerous attempts to sell me prescription pharmaceuticals, discovered something quite disturbing. The second syringe contained a strong sample of Anabolic Steroids. When asked for comment, David Martinez stated, “That ain’t mine bro,” but due to his rapid weight gain, blowing up to a mean 86 pounds, one is left to come to his or her own conclusions. Alex Rodriguez openly admitted to using the steroids, quickly rolling up his sleeve, flexing his bicep and asking, “Derek Jeter got guns like these?”

After this horrifying discovery, I thought I had unearthed the juiciest of the nefarious activities occurring on the Hillcrest soccer team, but little did I know, I had barely scratched the surface.

Until next time, stay classy San Diego... Hillcrest.

Everyone have a ridiculous weekend. See you Sunday or Monday, depends on the wind direction. And how lazy we are on Sundays.

On the Recent Rumors...

As some of you may be aware, in the last weeks there have been rumors about my true identity. Naturally, these rumors reached me and disturbed my friends and family.

They would say to me: "Jeff, is this true? Are you really the Darkest wizard Britain has seen in four centuries?"

Or: "But your name isn't even Tom Riddle! There's no possible way you can be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

There were many things I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "Of course not, I'm the Darkest wizard of all time I am no Dark wizard!" or "You're right, there is no possible way that I am connected with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." But there comes a certain point where it just hurts to lie to others, particularly those close to you... and a certain point where you realize that you're just lying to yourself.

People have always laughed at me and called me names and said, "Dude, you really need to come out of the closet." I never knew what they meant, but now I do, because I realize how obvious my condition has been to everyone. So I am coming out of the closet - the metaphorical closet of villains.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to face the truth.

I am Lord Voldemort.

You may doubt my claims, to which I say - phah, foolish Muggle! But if you want visual proof, just look at this:




Notice the stunning lack of any sort of nose, as already indicated by several commentators, and also the odd, blueish skin tone. Also, as everyone knows, I am possibly more well-versed in magic than anyone in Hillcrest history, other than perhaps Headmaster Shelton. Honestly, I don't know how you guys missed this. I've been busy making Horcruxes since 9th grade. What else am I supposed to do for those 6 hours of waiting after finishing TAKS?

Now that I'm officially out in the open, it's time for the Reign of Terror to begin. You may have noticed some odd occurrences in the past few days, and it's time to put the rumors to rest: yes, I was involved in the hocus pocus and mischief going on at Hillcrest on Tuesday, April 21, 2009. While I may have been in Rhode Island on a "college visit" (in actuality I was scoping out dungeons - the housing crisis has made high-scale dungeons vastly more affordable for first-time buyers like myself), that doesn't mean that I was out of the picture. No, it was I who started that fight: my Death Eaters used some well-placed Confundus charms to trick those girls into fighting, and several other well-placed jinxes made the ensuing riot(s) a cinch.

It's come to my attention that Mohammed Talib's faction has claimed responsibility for this attack on Hillcrest, and to this I say phah! once more. Mohammed Talib is a weakling. Know this, Panthers: I will find you. I will capture you. And I will Crucio you. I have Crucio stats of 240,367,892.

IT HAS BEGUN.

Quote of the Day

"I was scared. Scared that the cops were going to pepper spray us again."

-Unnamed freshman

Cyclone Movie Review: "Response to the Cyclone"

Check My Stats Films has released it's first blockbuster production, a dramatic thriller named, "Response to the Cyclone." Here it is folks.


Lead actor Austin Holmes along with his supporting cast consisting of Zach Anderson, give a compelling performance filled with drama, action, and a tad bit of comedy. The plot of the film is directed around the validity of Holmes' "stats." In response to this post, Holmes and Anderson try to make clear to their "audience" that they need to "check his stats."

The repetition of this phrase really gives the movie meaning, a meaning the viewer won't forget.

Now let's get to the grades:

PLOT
3 out of 5- I really understood what the two boys were trying to get across, the problem is, I think I understood about 9 times during the course of the video. I feel like there was a tad bit of existential angst in the script, and I believe that carried over to the plot. All in all, it was a good start for Check My Stats Films.

ACTING
4.5 out of 5- A true awe-striking performance from lead man Austin Holmes proved to his readership that he in fact, does know how to act. His mix of strong words and emotions paired with his overpowering physical actions truly want to make anybody who watches this piece of film to go "check his stats." Although Zach Anderson doesn't bring to the table what Holmes does, he establishes himself early as the "Crunching King," in this case, the man behind the man.

CAMERAWORK
1 out of 5- Very weak audio and a shaky hand manning the camera. Quite unfortunate. It's definitely something Check My Stats Films can work on.

PROPS
4 out of 5- In order to establish himself as a "number-cruncher," Zach Anderson plays the role of the geeky-genius type, and does so through the use of his 1970's eyeglasses and his handy calculator. Well done, I must say. In Holmes' case, the "hawk" and gel helps the reader understand just how high his stats are, something he wanted to make clear. That is not all Holmes is sporting though. The Cyclone has spotted a scarf that Holmes appears to be wearing throughout the entire video, a scarf that is known to represent Mohammed Talib/Matthew Talley's regime. Could there be a link between Check My Stats and Mohammed Talib?

Not a bad first film, but there's room for improvement. The Cyclone has no information on when "Response to the Cyclone" will be released on DVD.

Most Epic Day Ever

Hoodcrest never seems to disappoint me.



The Cyclone is in the middle of an investigation of this occurrence. We are not through with this.

Hillcrest Assaulted by Third President?

It seems that baby-ghosts aren't the only thing Hillcrest has to worry about lately. Another paranormal spirit has targeted our beloved school, this time leaving his mark. Who knows what we did to frustrate him, but the ghost of one of our founding fathers, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson, has launched a full offensive on the school building.

Is it possible the ghost of our third president has left the Democratic-Republicans and joined the Crips? Is the spirit trying to give us directions? Is this the beginning to National Treasure 3?


Color of choice: Blue. American? Yes.

When asked about the dilemma, AP U.S. History teacher Sue Blanchette said, "Phooey! I always knew that Jefferson was a dirty fellow. You don't see Alexander Hamilton doing such a thing. Now he was a classy individual."

It is believed that the ex-president/ex-governor/ex-breathing human is setting up his base of operations in the 214 area code (pictured below). What is clear to us at The Cyclone is that the ghost of Jefferson is not too familiar with the streets of the area, or common English language for that matter.



The ghost appears to be trying to send some sort of message. From the photo above, it seems that there could be two possibilities of his reasoning. 1) He could be trying to give his home address (I believe he attempted to spell Webb Chapel), but spelled it absolutely wrong (it's April 20, after all), or 2) The ghost of Thomas Jefferson is getting remarried at the Wedd Chappel, and used his texting lingo.

Mr. Cuevas, assistant principal and certified ghost-hunter, is in the process of assembling a team to fight the ghouls and ghosts that have begun to go to war with Hillcrest. He has asked students to give any information on the whereabouts of this man.


Might I remind you, this is not the first presidential ghost to do this in the year 2009. Woodrow Wilson made sure his presence was felt when he did the same earlier in February. Presidential conspiracy? Expect the next strike to come from Millard Fillmore.

There's Something In The Heater

Mattia Flabiano reports.
HILLCREST HS (HC) – There are some things at Hillcrest High School that seem to avoid any worldly explanation. Students in Mrs. Podhrasky’s second period statistics class were able to witness one of these mysteries numerous times this past winter.

Several first-person accounts have claimed that there is something alive within the air vents and heating system at the DISD school.

“There’s definitely something in there,” senior Ross Shwarts assured the Cyclone after his most recent encounter with the strange entity. Loud banging noises can be heard from within the heater, causing many to speculate on the nature of these heaters.

Some of the most popular theories about the origin of the noises have been a past statistics student who failed the AP exam, a trapped baby, and even an entire colony of hobbit-like dwarves. The craziest ideas have come from the administrators.

“It’s just the heater booting up,” Headmaster Shelton tried to explain after being asked to comment. “Of course there isn’t anything in the vents. DISD policy forbids it.”

Shelton’s remarks where endorsed by various other members of the staff, including Mrs. Podhrasky, causing some at the Cyclone to think there is a school-wide cover up attempt. Attempts by soccer star Kevin Latta to more closely examine the heater were greeted by an eruption from the usually calm statistics teacher.

“That was the quickest she’s ever reacted.” Latta recalled with a confused look. “She doesn’t notice when we text or talk across the room, but just glancing at the heater made her act crazy.”

Strange sounds in a heater are not the only source of puzzlement among Hillcrest students. Strange whistling and howling sounds can be heard in classrooms along the social studies wing.

Senior Collier Bailey was quick to offer an explanation: “The noise only happens when its extremely rainy and windy so it probably comes from a ghoul of some sort that doesn’t like getting wet.”

The administration declined to comment calling the accusations “unbelievable” and “ridiculous,” and wondering, “Why you kids don’t have anything better to do with your time than write fake news stories?”

Clearly there is something amiss at Hillcrest High School. Administrators have done their best to withhold any information regarding the source of these sinister noises. But this is much too important: lives could be at stake.