Breaking News: Austin Holmes's Ownage Is At 1,000,000 Hit Points

According to recent claims, Austin Holmes (also known by his alter ego, F.O.F.) has now approached "ownage" levels of 1,000,000, and claims to be growing stronger every day.

Holmes's unprecedented ascension has given some State Department officials pause.

"We've never seen a force rise so quickly," said an anonymous aide to Secretary of State Clinton. "This is a game-changing moment in the history of American diplomacy."

Also adding to White House fears is the fact that Holmes's "beastness" and "all other skills" stats have also reached 1,000,000 hit points. His "Scoring T.D.s," "breaking ankles," and "Speed cuts" stats have also surpassed the benchmark, although some State Department and Hillcrest officials have privately doubted the validity of those particular statistics.

"We are not scrubs," said one Hillcrest Frisbee team member upon learning that Holmes had added the entire Frisbee team to his ownage list. "Well, when Wright's not injuring himself, anyway."

Holmes has also contrarily claimed to have ownage levels of 10,000,000, although officials from the Obama team believe this just to be a typo.

"Whatever his ownage levels, this is a worrisome development," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs in a press conference this morning. "The President is monitoring the situtation closely."

CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was also outspoken about the issue.

"The ownage levels aren't what surprise me," he said when reached by the Cyclone for comment. "It's the fact that Holmes claims he's in Beast Mode 99.9% of the time he's awake. The average human being is only in Beast Mode 1.2% of the time. His beastliness is nearly 100 fold that of you or me!"

Worse, this development goes hand in hand with the nuclear tests recently undergone by the North Koreans. The White House worries that this confluence of rising powers could undermine U.S. hegemony throughout the world, particularly if Holmes's ownage levels rise high enough for him to ascend to Super Saiyan levels.

"A 16-year-old Super Saiyan and North Korea with nuclear capabilities?" groused an official at a recent White House meeting. "Say it ain't so, Joe."

"It ain't so," said Joe Biden obliviously.

Doubts about Holmes's potential for Super Saiyan power have been unfortunately tempered with Holmes's recent acquisition of a mohawk, which is usually an indicator of Super Saiyan transformation, or at least powerful Saiyan magic.

















Obviously the similarity is stunning, and disconcerting.

On the bright side, beyond his supreme ownage abilities, Holmes seems to have taken the transition from mere mortal to supreme beastly god in stride, still acting just like any other kid as he shows YouTube watchers around his mansion, playfully displaying his 73" flat screen, his Hummer, and proudly displaying his support for PETA spokesman Michael Vick. And that elevator is really nifty too.

Hillcrest High School and the Prom of Secrets

Quite a kerfluffle was caused today when it was announced that the location of prom would be kept secret until the day of the event.

"I know this will just make you more inquisitive, but we will not release the location of prom until May 2nd, the day of prom," stated Headmaster Shelton at the Opening Feast of Hogwarts a senior assembly. "Suffice it to say that it will be a magical night."

Needless to say this caused quite a din of excitement and confusion in the Great Hall - er, auditorium.

"I really don't care," said senior Ben Debus in a monotone.

"Also," continued Headmaster Shelton with a merry twinkle in his eye whilst stroking his beard, "transportation will be provided to the event."

"I really don't care," said Debus again, prompting giggles from those around him.

"This also means that Apparition wards will be set up and no one can leave early in their own cars," Shelton continued, prompting every shallow male student who was hoping to get laid on prom night to groan.

"If my father knew about this!" senior Michael Hinojosa (pictured below) fumed.



"This is Voldemort's doing!" whispered one frustrated male student. The aforementioned dark lord (human name: Mr. Baldridge) smiled evilly as his translucent form slithered into the shadows.

In the meantime, Headmaster Shelton also announced that the revered Goblet of Fire would be used to select Prom King and Queen, but no one seemed too bothered by that, funnily enough.

"Hem, hem," said Hillcrest High Inquisitor Mrs. McNutt, garnering the attention of the crowd. "Only one guest per student will be allowed. So that means no more than one date."

"WHAT!" screamed notorious playboy Kevin Latta, who was subsequently subdued with a Stunning Spell.

"But no kids from Woodrow, they steal stuff," clarified McNutt, who also confirmed rumors that she would be attending prom as Michael Harrison's date. "Tickets for prom are $55, except for Highland Park kids. Tell them tickets are $200. That's chump change for them."

Upon news of the ticket prices, several Hillcrest students sold their younger siblings to pay for tickets. At press time it was not known whether these transactions went through or not.

Headmaster Shelton then revealed transportation for the event. Before this was done, students had expected anything: threstrals, flying ships, and possibly even school buses. What they hadn't expected, however, was an armored car.



"We take security of our students very seriously here," said Deputy Headmaster Cuevas, on his first day back at school after a vicious surprise attack by graffiti artists. (The Cyclone is pleased to report that Mr. Cuevas's face is only slightly purple and the blue stains on his hands are hardly noticeable anymore.) "These vans come with a machine gunner, which is just great, and a complex video camera system that we have no intention of using. I would like to note that anyone who brings iPods/iPhones, cell phones, or Weasley Wizarding Wheezes products will be shot upon entry, as will anyone without a ticket."

The twinkle in Headmaster Shelton's eyes disappeared and he began mouthing the words, "Not true!" and shaking his head so frantically that his merry beard almost fell off.

"Also," continued a pleased Mr. Cuevas, "I have been informed that these cars are nearly graffiti-proof."

Whether this last claim is true is debatable since the clear message, "(expletive) you Civas (sic)," was spray-painted on the cars not fifteen minutes later in neon green.

Headmaster Shelton avoided any questions about underclassman attending, although he did say that only fourth years and above would be allowed. Rumor has it that famous frisbee star/rapper Austin Holmes, better known by his stage name of F.O.F., would be performing a set at the event, but Holmes's reps declined comment and Holmes merely informed us to "check my stats at checkmystats.me" and sadly it appeared upon further investigation that he really wasn't kidding, negating any excitement for his appearance.

Hillcrest Yule Ball Prom will be on May 2, 2009.

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Austin Holmes is the Cockiest Kid Around [FOF Official Blog]