G'd Up From the Deceit Up: Episode II

Here is the continuing weekly feature we have at The Cyclone, written by Kevin Latta. Dramatic, compelling, and very mysterious, G'd Up From the Deceit Up tells the lore and legend of the 2009 Hillcrest soccer team.

From the first day I stepped on to the field with my new teammates, I became overwhelmed with a strange feeling that some scandalous activities were taking place right under the noses of the Hillcrest population. Something smelled a bit fishy.

I later found out that this “fishy” smell was caused by the pounds of hair gel worn by many members of the team, but my suspicions were later confirmed.

On one particular afternoon, I entered the school through the back, walking past the numerous “brown pride” logos spray painted on the wall and into the boy’s locker room. I changed quietly, staying low key amongst the chattering of a code-like language (which I have recently been told was a dialect of grammatically incorrect Spanish) to keep from blowing my cover. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a strange glimmer that seemed to reflect around several corridors of the prison-ish room. Initially, I though this may have been a hallucination caused by the fumes given off by the chemical reaction of hair gel and sweat that produces a strange “high” similar to the “high” one might experience after sniffing airplane glue out of a paper sack. Mr. Brown, Physics extraordinaire, has admitted to seeing glimmers of light around 180° angles before, but this is likely due to the… uh… “uniqueness” of his eyes.

Upon investigating, I witnessed what may go down as the most bizarre occurrence in Hillcrest history. Before my very eyes, I witnessed sickly thin soccer star David Martinez, Benjamin Button-at-birth look alike Major Hendry, and famously overpaid diva Alex Rodriguez, affectionately known as A-Rod, huddled together. The floor of the locker room was completely covered in syringes. After checking my perifs for signs of the notorious, tricycle riding clown, Jigsaw, I realized that these men were, in fact, not fighting for their lives…. Or were they?

After dodging several swings of A-Rod’s bat (which was actually quite easy… he’s no Collier Bailey), several feminine “punches” from David Martinez, and a barrage of cigarette butts thrown by Major, I was able to grab two syringes off the ground. Running the contents through the lab produced intriguing results.

One syringe, thought to be Major Hendry’s, contained a mixture of Botox, popular youth serum, and pure nicotine, finally providing explanation for Major’s youthful appearance despite his 247 years of life. In the other syringe, my “lab technicians,” which I feel may be a bit of a stretch due to their numerous attempts to sell me prescription pharmaceuticals, discovered something quite disturbing. The second syringe contained a strong sample of Anabolic Steroids. When asked for comment, David Martinez stated, “That ain’t mine bro,” but due to his rapid weight gain, blowing up to a mean 86 pounds, one is left to come to his or her own conclusions. Alex Rodriguez openly admitted to using the steroids, quickly rolling up his sleeve, flexing his bicep and asking, “Derek Jeter got guns like these?”

After this horrifying discovery, I thought I had unearthed the juiciest of the nefarious activities occurring on the Hillcrest soccer team, but little did I know, I had barely scratched the surface.

Until next time, stay classy San Diego... Hillcrest.

Everyone have a ridiculous weekend. See you Sunday or Monday, depends on the wind direction. And how lazy we are on Sundays.