Images of the Day

Senior Michael Hinojosa (aka Harvardjosa, pictured above) has taken his pride in his class rank to the next level.

Following suit was sophomore Matthew Talley (aka Mohammed Talib, pictured below), who took an alternative route and shaved a "#" into the back of his head, the Talib symbol of destruction.

UPDATE: Talib is known to be a tic-tac-toe enthusiast.

On the Recent Rumors...

As some of you may be aware, in the last weeks there have been rumors about my true identity. Naturally, these rumors reached me and disturbed my friends and family.

They would say to me: "Jeff, is this true? Are you really the Darkest wizard Britain has seen in four centuries?"

Or: "But your name isn't even Tom Riddle! There's no possible way you can be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

There were many things I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "Of course not, I'm the Darkest wizard of all time I am no Dark wizard!" or "You're right, there is no possible way that I am connected with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." But there comes a certain point where it just hurts to lie to others, particularly those close to you... and a certain point where you realize that you're just lying to yourself.

People have always laughed at me and called me names and said, "Dude, you really need to come out of the closet." I never knew what they meant, but now I do, because I realize how obvious my condition has been to everyone. So I am coming out of the closet - the metaphorical closet of villains.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to face the truth.

I am Lord Voldemort.

You may doubt my claims, to which I say - phah, foolish Muggle! But if you want visual proof, just look at this:




Notice the stunning lack of any sort of nose, as already indicated by several commentators, and also the odd, blueish skin tone. Also, as everyone knows, I am possibly more well-versed in magic than anyone in Hillcrest history, other than perhaps Headmaster Shelton. Honestly, I don't know how you guys missed this. I've been busy making Horcruxes since 9th grade. What else am I supposed to do for those 6 hours of waiting after finishing TAKS?

Now that I'm officially out in the open, it's time for the Reign of Terror to begin. You may have noticed some odd occurrences in the past few days, and it's time to put the rumors to rest: yes, I was involved in the hocus pocus and mischief going on at Hillcrest on Tuesday, April 21, 2009. While I may have been in Rhode Island on a "college visit" (in actuality I was scoping out dungeons - the housing crisis has made high-scale dungeons vastly more affordable for first-time buyers like myself), that doesn't mean that I was out of the picture. No, it was I who started that fight: my Death Eaters used some well-placed Confundus charms to trick those girls into fighting, and several other well-placed jinxes made the ensuing riot(s) a cinch.

It's come to my attention that Mohammed Talib's faction has claimed responsibility for this attack on Hillcrest, and to this I say phah! once more. Mohammed Talib is a weakling. Know this, Panthers: I will find you. I will capture you. And I will Crucio you. I have Crucio stats of 240,367,892.

IT HAS BEGUN.

Cyclone Movie Review: "Response to the Cyclone"

Check My Stats Films has released it's first blockbuster production, a dramatic thriller named, "Response to the Cyclone." Here it is folks.


Lead actor Austin Holmes along with his supporting cast consisting of Zach Anderson, give a compelling performance filled with drama, action, and a tad bit of comedy. The plot of the film is directed around the validity of Holmes' "stats." In response to this post, Holmes and Anderson try to make clear to their "audience" that they need to "check his stats."

The repetition of this phrase really gives the movie meaning, a meaning the viewer won't forget.

Now let's get to the grades:

PLOT
3 out of 5- I really understood what the two boys were trying to get across, the problem is, I think I understood about 9 times during the course of the video. I feel like there was a tad bit of existential angst in the script, and I believe that carried over to the plot. All in all, it was a good start for Check My Stats Films.

ACTING
4.5 out of 5- A true awe-striking performance from lead man Austin Holmes proved to his readership that he in fact, does know how to act. His mix of strong words and emotions paired with his overpowering physical actions truly want to make anybody who watches this piece of film to go "check his stats." Although Zach Anderson doesn't bring to the table what Holmes does, he establishes himself early as the "Crunching King," in this case, the man behind the man.

CAMERAWORK
1 out of 5- Very weak audio and a shaky hand manning the camera. Quite unfortunate. It's definitely something Check My Stats Films can work on.

PROPS
4 out of 5- In order to establish himself as a "number-cruncher," Zach Anderson plays the role of the geeky-genius type, and does so through the use of his 1970's eyeglasses and his handy calculator. Well done, I must say. In Holmes' case, the "hawk" and gel helps the reader understand just how high his stats are, something he wanted to make clear. That is not all Holmes is sporting though. The Cyclone has spotted a scarf that Holmes appears to be wearing throughout the entire video, a scarf that is known to represent Mohammed Talib/Matthew Talley's regime. Could there be a link between Check My Stats and Mohammed Talib?

Not a bad first film, but there's room for improvement. The Cyclone has no information on when "Response to the Cyclone" will be released on DVD.

Caught on Tape: Kleptothief Paul Seitz

Known to many as the kid who managed to shatter both of his legs last year, junior Paul Seitz, despite his cherubic looks, is up to no good... still.

The Cyclone set up a trap hidden camera to see just how "innocent" this baby-faced kiddo was. Seen below is Seitz, who has the undeniable urge to steal anything and everything his eye catches. The loot in this case, a hotel room key, which was speculated to be used by Seitz in order to get into our room in the depths of the night. What he had planned we may never know.

In response to this video, Paul Seitz made the claim that "this wasn't him," and we "had the wrong guy."

The Cyclones' rebuttal to Seitz's claims:

The Cyclone sees a resemblance between the video klepto and the cute kid above. So next time you are missing a pencil, shoe, wallet, or maybe even a fragment of your soul, know that Paul Seitz very well could have been behind it. Well, either him or that damned Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib.

Who is This Boy?

Earlier this school year, Hillcrest received a transfer student by the name of Matthew Talley. Nobody knows the origins of this "Matthew Talley," but being the gritty news source we are, The Cyclone dug deep into "Matthew's" past.

From the get-go, we knew something was different. When Hillcrest started having "random" poo-spills, "brown pride" graffitti, and principals stepping down (or overthrown possibly), we saw a connection. When first examining the case of "Matthew," we first believed he might be part ghost; some sort of evil spirit. Although we could almost see through him, when we failed to stick our arms through his chest we became discouraged.

On April 9th, The Cyclone followed this mysterious student back to a cave about an hour and a half away from Hillcrest. What seemed odd then, only got odder. When we were ready to pursue into the cave, we were stopped by armed guards, none of which spoke English. We left the cave that day with broken hearts and browned pants, but our spirits were unbroken. We were going to get to the bottom of this.

On April 13th at 1800 hours, The Cyclone caught a break. While "Talley" was playing in a Hillcrest High School baseball game, we gained access to the Mattcave. What happened next can only be described as shocking. Jeff Wilke and I found manuscripts containing a foreign text that we could not analyze. We then did the only thing we could do. We took the manuscripts to Dr. James Wright, master of world culture.

"To me it looks like this is a list of demands of some sort," Dr. Wright said. "Then again, it could just be a bunch of scribbles, I don't really know how to read this."

We trusted Dr. Wright's opinion on the fact that this must be a hit-list or radical demands. Aside from the document, we found a passport that belonged to a Mohammed Talib. As we soon found out, Mohammed Talib changed his name to Matthew Talley in order to Americanize himself to relieve suspicion. But suspicion of what?

It all makes sense. Who spilled [explitive] all over our hallways (also known as a biological attack)? Who pressured Dr. Crawford out of office when a certain someone wanted to put his own regime in place? Who would have reason to spray paint "brown pride" on all walls of the school? (Note from Jeff: ...Somewhat of a stretch even by our standards. Talley's pretty pasty.) And finally, who arrived to Hillcrest shortly before all of this took place? (Hint: Matthew Talley/Mohammed Talib)

When the story of Mohammed Talib leaked to the student body, many students didn't care at all. But some did. One of whom was marine Kevan Montgomery.

"This is America, we have rules. 1) Speak American, 2) If you're a terrorist, we will get you, and 3) God Bless America," said Montgomery. "Personally, I think Momwad Tleeb (Mohammed Talib) is offensive and un-American and we're gonna get'm."

The Cyclone has no knowledge of future attacks of any sort by the Talib regime, but what we do know, is that nobody is safe. Talib has men everywhere. Footage found from the cave tells us that he is not alone. He will find you. He will capture you. He will have somebody cut off your [expletive].



Mohammed Talib Autobiography