Live from Providence, RI

Hey kids, your friendly neighborhood Cyclone co-founder here. It's been a while since I last posted, and I just thought I'd check in to see how everyone was doing. And also post because so far the new EICs suck at updating.

You're probably wondering what college life is like, or what the Ivy League is like, or if I've seen Emma Watson. To clear this up, college is awesome, Brown is like the adopted half-cousin of the Ivy League, and my publicist tells me I cannot comment on the latter. So let's just avoid those questions for a while, okay?

Let's get down to business, though, and set aside all this silly talk of the nirvana-like juncture that is college, where there are no parents, no principals... yeah, sorry, just in my happy place right now, I guess. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you. Yes, you. Not you, Philip. Sorry.

I have to say that I was impressed with the debut issue of the Hurricane. To Valerie and Will: good job. To Valirie: sorry I misspelled your name in the last sentence. To Patrick: thank you for not writing another inspirational sports story (I liked your article). To whoever wrote the editorial on the class of 2010 sucking bigtime: nicely played!!!!!

But the fact that the Hurricane is coming on strong means that the Cyclone (are blogs supposed to be italicized?) needs to raise its game. I'm not going to lie, when we came into the blogosphere, we scared the newspaper staffers. They responded. This means war. It's time to get back on the ball and bring HHS its news. We can't depend on the Hurricane making mistakes now that they finally got rid of that lazy Davenport kid. (Just kidding, Jenny!!!! But really.)

I'm going to leave you with a quote, since I have to go. Have fun and be safe, children.

Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

Bacon is good for me!

Although us editors took this three day weekend off and enjoyed it, we didn't want to leave you with nothing.

Image of the Day

What? Word has gotten to me about this no athletic shorts matter. Somewhere Jeff Wilke cringes in the dark.


Let this be the start of La Resistánce.

You can't teach old dogs new tricks.

One man, one destiny, one world. He has ventured up mountains high, across rivers wide, through valleys deep. Just to fulfill one divine decree. He did these things in order to report the news, the wrong way. The Cyclone is proud to introduce the one and only, Sam Williams.

Lets face it, adults in general just aren't cool. Any kind; teachers, parents, you name it. But recently they have been attempting to change that reputation. It is a very drastic approach, and no matter how hard they try kids are impervious to their scandals. These desperate measures of incomprehensible madness includes sagging their pants up to their chest and all the way down to belly buttons. Making their own complex handshakes (and forgetting them halfway through) and picking up on street talk. "Yo dawg we uber pwned that kid with that referral!" Although they think that they are winning, students are saying that these ridiculous attempts of trying to be hip have been getting out of hand.

"Parents have just been uncool for too long to start becoming cool now. It's completely impossible for them to pull this off. They just dont have the fashion sense." said cool history aficionado Ryland Portele.

After hearing this fatal prediction, I decided Freshman dont know what they are talking about. And so, completely wiping her comment from my memory, I went to the Cyclone's number one anonymous teacher to ask his opinion. "I honestly don't see how we [adults] aren't cool yet. We grafitti school property, steal cars, and shoot bank tellers in their hands. We even let kids come in with no homework, sometimes. That has to be cool somehow."

Despite the teacher's attempt of making themselves feel better about getting older, I have a strange feeling it is all for nothing. I think John Lennon said it best in his song Imagine. "Imagine all the old people, being really cool". Yes John, imagine that strange alternative for all of us, so we never have to.

Teacher Formally known as Mr. Wright

As we all know Mr. James Wright left Hillcrest after this past semester. But does anyone know the actual reason behind this? A message from Wright has surfaced and it is our duty to report.

Ladies and Gents, the Cyclone is back.

"I don't have much time to talk, I have been dodging them for weeks now but every day they get closer and closer to finding me. I am so scared of what they might do if they catch me (sniff, sniff). I have heard rumors and horror stories that short Italian men with chest hair exploding from their white tank tops tie you in a chair and shout, “Howz you doing, eh howz you doing” over and over again until their thick Yankee accents break you down. When I come back, IF I make it back to Dallas wearing New York Yankees and Giants gear, you will know I was broken. But for now, I will try to be strong and tell the world why I am here. Someone has to keep the message alive.

As many of you know, I have left the concrete jungle of Dallas for the booming metropolis of Brookfield, Connecticut. But what most of you don't know, is that I was ordered here by the Hillcrest Administration during the reign of Marty Crawford. (Laughing to myself), I remember the day he recruited me for this assignment like it was yesterday. The sun was shining, someone was smoking out in the bathroom, and students were eating in my room and leaving their trash on the desks when Principal Crawford (he wasn't a Dr. yet) threw open the door and said “Mr Wright, I need you in my office..now”. Being a diligent follower of all DISD policies I went into his office immediately...only to be horrified at what I saw. In his office was a message, written in Columbia blue and Cardinal red, was one name....Thomas Jefferson!!! Marty turned, faced me, and with a determined glare said, “This [expletive] ends today! I don't know who these Founding Fathers are, but so help me Lord Almighty we will track them down and bust this gang up. Mr. Wright, I am putting you in charge of this. I want the Founding Fathers found, and eliminated”. I knew he was serious, I read the student code of conduct policy on gangs...ZERO TOLERANCE! Oh man I wanted the Founding Fathers to pay, I mean to deface school property that like, GOD have they no soul? How could they not care about Hillcrest and Panther Pride? But I swallowed my anger and used it to fuel my determination, to bring these powdered headed, wooden teethed Yankees to justice.

But it was difficult to get started, the only solid Intel we had was that the headquarters of these Founding Fathers (or F^2 as I call them) were located somewhere on the east coast. I needed our own set of spies to track them down. What I did next, is unforgivable and I apologize, now, as I let my zeal blind me to what I was doing. I would give the whole world, the whole freaking world to take back what we did. I just cant live with this guilt any longer and must get the truth out into the open. I needed spies, so I bribed student after student into Ivy League and East Coast Schools. There were so many students and the bribes were so expensive that it collapsed the DISD budget which in turn brought America's economic recession. I was just so determined to get our spies in everywhere that I didn't even think about the future DISD generations. I wish my admission of guilt ended there, but it doesn't, oh no, its far from over."

Wright's message abruptly ended here. When more data comes to light the Cyclone will be sure to report it to the world.

The Eyes of Missouri Are Upon You

And they can't help but be in awe.






















Jesus guys, it's the first week of school. Let's calm down a bit.

The Dallas Morning News Is Skeptical of This Whole "Facts" Business

In a stunning turn of events, the Dallas Morning News DISD blog made an updated post on the Michael Hinojosa (the Younger) soul-eating scandal, this time with statistics and actual facts.

Although the DMN is allergic to apologies, the post was much appreciated, especially since News 8 is apparently all over our [expletive] now. As an added bonus, Allen Gwinn from dallas.org promised more to come on the ASP story in the comments of the DISD blog entry, which means we'd probably best get back to work preparing our witty and gleefully irreverent retorts for the inevitable storm of manufactured controversy that is brewing.

Back to bed, children.

Dallas Morning News Special Report

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The Hillcrest Cyclone is excited to announce that we've gained the rights to a special sneak peek of an article that will be run in tomorrow's Dallas Morning News, as a follow-up to today's groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism covering Hillcrest's ASP program.

Enjoy.

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HILLCREST HIGH SCHOOL: A BOILING CESSPOOL OF CORRUPTION IN A LARGER CESSPOOL OF NEPOTISM AND EVILNESSA special feature by DMN reporter Rita Skeeter.
Hillcrest High School. A quaint, homely building on Hillcrest road - not particularly alluring, but not particularly repelling, either. Sure, the senior parking spaces could use repainting, and maybe the grass occasionally could use a mow, but it looks like a nice place to go to high school, make some friends, and get a great education.

This humble exterior is just a façade, a misdirection to hide the extreme source of evil within Hillcrest’s halls.

My colleague Ms. Stahl has already documented the nepotistic controversy at Hillcrest that is indicative of an underlying dark force surrounding HHS. Being the fine investigative reporter that I am, though, I decided to take a second look into Hillcrest and see what was really going on there.

First I met with Michael Martinez, director of operations for ASP, the service that the superintendent’s son allegedly – nay, I say, DEFINITELY AND KNOWINGLY – abused.

“Oh, that’s actually no big deal,” said a laughing Martinez when I spoke to him. “Part of what makes ASP great is the fact that we’ve got first-generation kids sitting next to kids from experienced college families, since we’ve seen in our work that having those latter kids as an example and those parents as a resource helps the program be more efficient. So really we were… hey, why are you writing down that I ‘confessed to killing numerous women and children to guarantee the superintendent’s son’s entry into the program?’ Hey, stop it! I didn’t say that!”

It became obvious that Mr. Martinez was a pathological liar/serial killer by his own admission and that he had nothing of value to say, so I decided to dig a little deeper. Like Anne Coulter exposing the moral decrepitude of anyone who isn’t Christian in her factually accurate and unbiased books and columns, or like the commenters on a Dallas Morning News blog whose comments get turned into stories on the front page of the Metro section a month later, I decided not to settle for the truth. I needed something more.

What I got, though, was something I never could have expected.

“The ASP controversy is just a ruse,” said my source within Hillcrest, who asked that he/she not be named. “This is a distraction for the news outlets, to draw them away from the big picture… how Michael Hinojosa (II) became valedictorian.”

I perked up, since all Dallas news reporters are trained to keep an ear out for any negative comments about DISD or the superintendent.

It turns out, according to my source – who, by the way, is extremely reliable, and has played Seeker on the Slytherin House Quidditch Team at Hogwarts Hillcrest for the last five years – that Mikey Jr actually gained his intelligence not by invading ASP and insisting that the program allocate all resources to him and him alone, but that he used some much more sinister means.

“Have you ever seen Heroes? It’s kind of like Sylar,” said my source, smoothing back his platinum blond hair. “The truth is, Michael Hinojosa isn’t very smart naturally. He gained his intelligence by eating the souls of his fellow students.”

I smiled devilishly, immediately knowing that this was why Harvard had admitted him, not because he had great test scores or extracurriculars or essays or a proven track record of leadership! Everyone knows that Harvard is a soul-crushing university. Their new student just took that tradition to a new extreme.

Predictably, this led to backlash on the Dallas Morning News DISD blog.

“What I want to know is whether DISD allocated any of these souls to schools other than Hillcrest,” said one commenter. “The kids at Samuell could really use some of these extra souls that Hinojosa’s been eating. Classic DISD elitism.”

“I don’t care about the souls,” said a commenter named, ‘Touch My Magnet School and I Will Kill You and Pillage Your House.’ “I just want to make sure that DISD isn’t taking any money from magnet schools to feed the superintendent’s son’s fetish, because if they do, all I can say is that us magnet parents are going to start blogging a lot about DISD, and it’s not going to be very nice! Take money from North Dallas and Woodrow – who cares about their kids anyway?”

I hear you, bloggers, parents, countrymen. I hear you. That’s why the Dallas Morning News has been reporting on this riveting information ever since Hinojosa got here. (And Moses. And so on and so on and so on.) Obviously, this shocking piece of news means that Jack Lowe should immediately step down, because I cannot think of anyone who is more responsible for this tragedy than him. Yes, let’s get rid of him. Wait, he’s not board president any more? Who is? Medrano? Okay, let’s get rid of him!

“This is sickening,” said another commenter named "Big Bird" on the message boards. “This is the final straw. I call for a full-scale investigation of Michael Hinojosa the Younger. How do we even know he graduated? I heard that he never even went to class and that he actually went to Jesuit but was put on Hillcrest enrollment as a political move. This is just sickening.”

It’s been a tough couple of months here at the News, as many of you know. Carla Ranger, the nominee we backed for DISD board president, didn’t make it, but on the bright side we’re still, in our role as an objective news source, pushing her to be named Defender of Justice, Harbinger of Truth, and Only Board Member We Like for the 2009-2010 school year. That coupled with Lord Medrano’s hostile coup and deadly takeover of the Board, plus this ASP/soul-eating business, has just pushed this senior reporter down in the dumps.

But then my fellow reporters pick me up and I realize how wonderful life is. Just look at the hard work our staff is doing. I’m particularly excited about the new feature we’ve debuted called “Hinny-Watch,” where we follow the superintendent’s son around as he does his daily business and make snide comments about his dad’s haircut. Good job so far, Lori!

When it comes down to it, what’s great about this newspaper is that, like in life, we have a choice. We have the choice to report on something substantive; to report from both sides of an issue; to give the readers maybe not what they want to hear but what they need to hear, not what sells papers but what makes them useful – or we can spend our time lambasting authority figures and trying to criticize eighteen-year-old kids (who never asked to be in the spotlight) on the front page of our newspaper. And I’m proud to say that we’ve modernized, that we’ve moved past outdated 20^th century concepts such as “truth” or “objectivity” or “reasonable amount of respect” and moved on to the new age of journalism, when posts are designed to gain comments bashing people who are honestly trying to make a difference.

Because that’s what life is about. Life is about having your hopes constantly crushed and eventually coming to realize that everything that seems good is bad and that nothing gold can stay. And that gossip is wayyyyyyyyy more fun to write about than actual news.

Signing off for the DMN, I’m Rita Skeeter. Keep your eyes open, readers: I heard from a school blog that DISD also sponsors al-Qaeda through an individual known on Mohammed Talib! More on that in the coming days.

The Cyclone sincerely thanks Ms. Skeeter for her piece, and wishes to publicly agree with her on the dangers of Mohammed Talib.

The Pen > The Sword

Ok, the Hillcrest letters-to-the-editor varsity squad has been flexing it's hand muscles lately, in light of today's events. Team captains Jeff Wilke and Jenny Davenport are MIA.

To Whom It May Concern:

Lori Stahl’s recent article on the merits of Michael Hinojosa’s inclusion in the Hillcrest High School Academic Success Program (ASP) is disgusting. There are very few institutions left that are free from the scrutiny of media these days, and the list grows smaller as the Internet expands, but one area that has long been viewed as untouchable was recently attacked.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Just so we’re clear, I’ll repeat that one more time.

Stahl’s article attempts to smear the Superintendent by going after his son.

Let’s clear up a couple things about her article.

One, she failed to adequately characterize the Academic Success Program. Though ASP’s main goal is to help disadvantaged students become first-generation college goers, they go about this by creating a partnership with top students who better understand the importance of college and the work ethic required to get there. The inclusion of students like Michael was a way of furthering the programs goals, not restricting other students from admittance.

It’s no surprise that she fails to fully explain the concepts behind the program because this article isn’t meant to be informative, it’s meant to defame Superintendent Hinojosa.

I am truly appalled that Dallas Morning News allowed this article to run. Not only are there no facts backing Stahl bizarre claim, but the idea of questioning a students worth and abilities in a public forum that can and will be read by most of his peers, family, and future classmates is gut wrenching. I know Michael and there is no one more deserving of a place at Harvard, and suggesting otherwise simply to score some cheap points against his father is horrible.

I don’t know what could possibly ameliorate this situation, but a public apology (similar to the public slander that was this article) would not be out of line.

Thank You

Mattia Flabiano

Hillcrest High School Graduate 2009

That's one by Mattia Flabiano. Next up, me.



Erik Severson does not condone the language used in his letter, unless that is, you have a friend who is publicly slandered by a major newspaper. In that case, shoot for the [explitive]ing moon.

Never Wake a Sleeping Giant, Especially After a Long Friday Night

The Cyclone declares war on the Dallas Morning News (with exception to Kevin Sherrington, he's the man).



Oh we are not done with you Lori Stahl

A Few Articles for Your Consideration

Editor's note: Check out the May 28 issue of the Hurricane and look at the bottom lefthand corner of Page 10. Yeah.

Tomorrow shall be epic. Tomorrow will be the first day that Hillcrest will have to go without Jeff Wilke and Erik Severson in four years except for days we skipped. On that note, I finally realized, "Holy smoked salmon, I'm going to graduate tomorrow and then it'll just seem kind of pathetic when I stalk the Cyclone," and that I really needed to finish up a few last articles, because you all have been deprived of news for too long to let any good tip these days go to waste.

So, our final few stories from the outgoing seniors, meaning me since Erik is lazy as hell. (Expect something about graduation, especially if Jake streaks.)

MATTIA FLABIANO, OTHERS BLANKED AT HILLCREST SENIOR AWARDS

Recently, Hillcrest hosted its annual senior awards banquet, honoring the hard work of its senior class, plus the mediocre work that mainly was the norm over the last four years at HHS. Awards were extensive, ranging from scholarship offers to specific subject awards to awards for something called "character," which according to one source in the know, "is a term we use to make people feel better about themselves."

Oddsmakers had covered the event, and had Mattia Flabiano and Ross Shwarts as the two-to-one favorites in the Science category, for starters. In fact, Flabiano was a favorite in many categories, but much like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, his many nominations led to naught at the actual ceremony.

"I'm stunned," said a visibly flustered Flabiano after the ceremony. "I just don't understand how Mattia Flabiano got blanked. Mattia Flabiano is the best in the business, see? If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility."

According to the reports, Flabiano tried to rush the stage when he failed to receive an award for Outstanding Math student, but Navy SEAL Chase McLean tackled him against the stairs and held him in place until security could be called in to restrain him.



But the surprises weren't done. In perhaps the biggest shocker of the night, Hillcrest heartthrob Ryan Callender lost out in the Best Hair category to dark horse nominee Hugo Calderon.

"I'm surprised," said hair analyst and Hillcrest senior Abraham Juarez, who pulled himself out of contention days before the awards show to rest his hair for the Hair Modeling League Playoffs, beginning June 2nd. "Callender has the long flowing hair that judges tend to like, but Calderon was always the guy who could bring him down. That guy's hair is insane."

Calderon didn't notice he had won, as he was busy with his phone throughout the ceremony, and had to be led onstage by friends and family.

All things said and done, the show went smoothly, as your friendly neighborhood Cyclone founders picked up a couple awards, whether it was a scholarship for Mr. HHS or the Silver Crest award. Voting for Best Earthly Human ended in a tie, with the Cycloners sharing the award with LeBron James, who took a flight down to Dallas in between getting his [expletive] handed to him by the Orlando Magic.

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HUMAN RIGHTS EXPERTS ACCUSE HILLCREST OF SUPPRESSING DEMOCRACY

In a stunning turn yesterday, the UN placed sanctions on Hillcrest High School for, in the words of the UN press release, "suppressing and subverting the democratic process in student-body elections."

Headmaster Ronald Jones denied comment, except to say that, "Hillcrest is seriously looking to these allegations and speaking with the Mock Trial team for legal advice."

Specifically, the UN is concerned about the elections held for StuCo this year - or the lack thereof, more specifically.

"We have evidence that purports that elections weren't even held at Hillcrest High School," said UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon. "Obviously we feel that sanctions are necessary."

The official UN report cites the fact that while elections weren't held, positions were handed out by the StuCo incumbents. In particular, Taylor Hinojosa received a high-ranking position while his brother was StuCo president. Coincidence?

"We were concerned about the Hinojosa regime from the beginning," said a snitch an anonymous source within the Hillcrest halls. "Michael was a by-the-books dictator who operated behind the scenes, which is probably why most people never even knew he was StuCo president. And now he's just handing the reigns over to his brother! Michael Hinojosa is purportedly letting go of power, but everyone thinks that he's just using Taylor as a puppet. That's why I went to the UN about this."

Michael Hinojosa didn't have anything to say about the sanctions, although he did want to warn kids that "snitches get stitches."

The Obama administration was disturbed to the point of holding a press conference over the issue.

"Obviously we're worried about these recent reports and the recent sanctions by the UN, especially considering that we've been stationed inside Hillcrest for the last five years," said President Obama during the press conference, which would explain the fact that Marines have been wandering the halls since Dr. Crawford came to HHS. (People were kind of wondering about that.) "We still maintain our goal of withdrawing from Hillcrest within the next eighteen months, although we obviously need to make sure there's stability within the region. We do feel that progress is being made, although progress is a slow and difficult journey."

Several political commentators have emphasized the seriousness of the situation by the fact that President Obama held a press conference on the issue at a time when North Korea is having nuclear tests and training Super-Saiyans.

"It's a mess," said an anonymous former interim principal at HHS. "But it's Jones's problem now. Let this be a lesson to all you kids: hit it and quit it!"

I Yank the Thang

As summer approaches, we tend to do bad things. However; everyone control yourself and be smarter than this kid.  

"And he smokes with cigarettes" 

The Hillcrest Cyclone Has Jumped the Shark

The recent handover of control of the controversial, bestselling blog the Hillcrest Cyclone from two outgoing seniors to two rising sophomores has caused a flurry of outrage, as blog readers across the world are worried that there could be a dip in Cyclone quality.

"Dip in quality is putting it lightly," said Cyclone ombudsman Drew Vine. "The Cyclone has jumped the shark."



Whether the Cyclone has "jumped the shark" so to speak is a matter of controversy befitting to Hillcrest's edgiest blog. First, historical precedents are helpful to know when judging whether the HC has "jumped the shark."

"There are always changes in shows, books, blogs, etc," said media critic and Hillcrest graduate Ben Gallant. "For instance, Emma totally killed Friends, just like ER never really recovered after Clooney and Edwards left. On the other hand, House appeared to jump the shark with the season four auditions, but ironically enough, the show was rejuvenated by the return of one of the auditioning doctors - Amber - late in the season, and it's been strong ever since. Hey, while I've got you, do you want to hang out later? I'm bored."

The critics have split up in two camps: the pessimists and the optimists, the former opposing the new Cyclone regime and the latter supporting it.

"The new writers just plain suck," said an anonymous critic named "Disappointed," who was too cowardly to use his/her actual name decided to remain anonymous to preserve objectivity. "As a freshman, I was 5.6% funnier than them. You guys should hire me. Wait, no you shouldn't, because I would pee my pants if I ever actually put myself out there to criticism in an effort to have some fun and amuse others."

Those words weren't even the harshest criticism for the new Cyclone editors.

"As an objective outside observer, I can plainly state that Will Look sucks and is a disgrace to the Look family," said Hillcrest alum Rob Look (no relation).

While many of the pessimists are turning tail and fleeing, the optimists are hopeful that the Cyclone will prevail.

"Let's face it, there's some good ideas in there," said media critic and outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano. "James King doing taekwondo during a frisbee game? Funny because it's true! Emily Westbrook speaking in a 'lively' tone? HILARIOUS! It's just the execution. They just need some innings under their belts. And who knows, change may be a good thing - they may even include some nonwhite people in their stories! Hillcrest is only, what, 85% minority?"

Also, others note, the actual quality dropoff has been exaggerated.

"The grammar has been a big issue, but let's face the facts," said future English teacher Jenny Davenport. "Erik doesn't know a run-on sentence from a fragment. They're really not losing much there."

While it's clear the controversy over the changing of the guard will last for a long while, the Cyclone shows no signs of packing up shop and failing to report on the hottest issues at HHS, from poo spills to mace fights to the Cyclone itself. Cyclone co-founder/demigod Erik Severson had some wise words for all of the doubters.

"Look, dude, you're losing a lot with me and Jeff leaving. We're two genui (that's the plural form of 'genius' - I invented it) that haven't graced the halls of Hillcrest since Harriet Miers went here. The new guys are going to have their scratches and bruises, but they're going to be better and funnier people because of it. The Cyclone is more than a funny blog... it's an ideal we can all aspire to, and I was always taught that those ideals survive for eternity, that they keep us going when the going gets tough. And also, Jeff and I have commissioned statues of ourselves to be placed in the front hall, so if you ever miss us you can go check those out and leave roses at our feet. Cool beans, huh?"

-

Full disclosure: early feedback from test audiences indicated that this article was "disappointing" and "stoopid."

Hillcrest Alumni come out strong

Will Look Reports:

The former Hillcrest Ultimate Team composed of mostly the class of 2007 came back to their alma mater for a “butt whoopin” on some youngsters. Upcoming Junior at the University of Texas Michael Robinowitz was found warming up in his car just before the game. “These suckers won’t even be a piece of cake.”

On the other side, freshman Brett Mayberry couldn’t be at the game due to his intense college schedule, even though he is a freshman in high school. “Even though Zach is number one, I have the advantage here.” He thought the team would be done for without him and Junior Samy Maanani. Samy Maanani reportedly was too tired to play, even though he was found skipping through the field of flowers during halftime.

The game was intense. Blood was spurting everywhere, freshman Derek Poole had to play with a broken ankle, yet he still somehow broke other peoples ankles. James King was seen doing taekwondo on his opponents. Apparently, his art at fighting made people leave the game.

The alumni thought they had the game in the bag at 10 to 7, first to thirteen. Yet Oyedopo made an amazing grab to get the momentum in favor of the students.

The student team later on won thirteen to eleven. After the game, Robinowitz was found beating himself to death as his sisters’ friends had just embarrassed him. “I’ve been training all year for this one game, and now it’s ruined.”

          Everyone got out of the game with only a couple of grass marks, a messed up pelvis, and a tweaked ankle. “It was a nice, exciting, clean game,” quoted Wright after the victory.

Cheerleaders get Cheerleaders

As many of you are already aware, cheerleaders of Hillcrest High School have been bemoaning the fact that they do not get enough respect. 

  

“Cheerleading is just as much of a sport as football!” protested incoming junior cheerleader, Nichole Porras.

  

The squad met up with new principal and cheerleading activist Mr. Jones to discuss the situation. Mr. Jones, being the loyal cheerleading fan that he is, gave the cheerleaders something we never thought they would get. Effective immediately, the team will have a cheerleading squad of their own to cheer for them during games. When active Ultimate Frisbee team member Ryan Conway heard the news he was furious. “Let me get this straight. Cheerleaders get cheerleaders, but the Frisbee team, who has been asking for them for years, don’t have any!?”

  

“It makes sense. Like, we cheer for you guys all day! Don’t you think we need some too?” said Emily Westbrook during a lively phone interview earlier today.  When approached, each and every member of the squad said the same thing.

  

The funny thing is, the members of the cheerleader’s cheer squad aren’t students. The 4 person squad consists of Mrs. Alverson and her enthusiastic, but not very coordinated math teaching underlings.

  

“I’ll make sure that the cheerleaders get the respect they deserve!” shouted Mrs. Alverson while performing a pretty impressive herky.

 

In a non-related, but developing story understudies from next year’s school musical are demanding they have understudies of their own.

  

The Cyclone will most likely be on break during the summer, but expect many stories when school comes back around. Don’t say goodbye.

 

Test One, Test One Two, Check, Check

As school winds down and the board game Guess Who becomes old, our new editors-in-the-wings shall begin to take flight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present one of the newest editions to The Cyclone, freshman Jesse Degani.

Depression Rampant as School Year Comes to an End
“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair,” outgoing senior Mattia Flabiano stammered uncontrollably.

“I mean what are we going to do all summer without school?” lamented Zoe Bernbaum.

In a remarkable turn of events, students of Hillcrest High School overwhelmed the counselor’s office seeking help for depression caused by the end of the school term. At a school-wide assembly, Ms. McNutt advised students to create informal study groups throughout the summer to help ease the anxiety. Mr. Wright and several other teachers generously offered after school hours so students could brainstorm ideas of ways to fill the void left by the closing of school.

Some of the ideas that have been suggested are:
• Meet up in large rooms for paper bag lunches
• Sit in a desk for 8 hours every day
• Take mock Exams and SAT tests.
• Set alarm for 6:30 a.m. throughout summer

If you seek further help contact our hotline set up by the committee of Students for Year Round School at 1-800- School Forever.

Images of the Day

Senior Michael Hinojosa (aka Harvardjosa, pictured above) has taken his pride in his class rank to the next level.

Following suit was sophomore Matthew Talley (aka Mohammed Talib, pictured below), who took an alternative route and shaved a "#" into the back of his head, the Talib symbol of destruction.

UPDATE: Talib is known to be a tic-tac-toe enthusiast.

Save the Hurricane, Save the World

All right, little ones. The Cyclone called on you to raise money for an ad in the Hillcrest Hurricane, and you met the challenge. To be honest, we were shocked. However, a wrench was thrown in that plan recently, as word has leaked out that there won't be a final Hurricane issue, mainly because about no one on the Hurricane staff got their stories in on time.

Needless to say we at the Cyclone were disappointed. While we are no doubt the number one news source in the world, let alone Hillcrest, we thrive off competition. And we're on Hurricane staff, so that's a factor as well. What this means for the First Annual Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-Raiser is unclear, and we're open to feedback from people who donated to our worthy cause.

There are several options: refund the money; use it for another equally awesome purpose; or save the Hurricane issue and thus save our ad.

It's up to you, Cyclone readers. J-Dav, EIC of the Hurricane, is already pretty stretched thin as it is, and we're not sure if the rest of the staff of the Hurricane wants to do another issue, or needs to do another issue. All we're saying is, if you really want to read the Hurricane/see our ad, then go up to your friendly neighborhood Hurricane staff writer and politely ask them, "Staff writer, I would like to inquire as to WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR STORY ON TIME?!! I WANT MY CYCLONE AD!!!" (Note: I [Jeff] didn't have a story this issue, so don't do this to me. Erik, on the other hand...)

The decision is yours.



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And because I don't think Erik's awake to update after our playoff game, your weekly weekend sendoff, this time striking a little closer to home.

Cyclone to Announce 2009-2010 Editors in Coming Days

Yes, yes everyone. The Cyclone has decided it shall endure. Early next week the announcement shall be made, so until then, we leave you to guess who. And no my person is not wearing glasses.

Let the Moaning Begin: All Hillcrest AP Tests Invalidated

After going through the recent AP tests while preparing to send them to College Board, Hillcrest administrators noticed a little snafu that they thought might mess with the grading process for Hillcrest AP exams. Then, after careful consideration, they realized that we are totally [expletive].

"I don't know what happened," Statistics teacher (and AP guru) Mrs. Podhrasky said. "Really, we did everything by the book. But somehow the sheets were mixed up. We handed out the wrong answer sheets. I didn't even know there were different types of answer sheets."

But there were, apparently. Hillcrest administrators handed out a separate answer sheet to students, meant to be used on last year's AP tests. Due to bureacracy and general mean-spiritedness, College Board switched out the answer sheets this year, just to change things up.

"The new answer sheets are much improved, which is why we wanted schools to use them," said a College Board representative. "They ask for your name 23% more often, while misreading test answers 56% more of the time than the old ones did. Also, instead of just a number label, they require an entire fingernail for identification purposes. By overly complicating and confusing the process, we at College Board believe that we will weed out the free loaders - students only taking the test because they're being made to - from the students who want to learn, thanks to our dishonest and illogical new testing scheme."

There were strong reactions from students and faculty at HHS.

"You've got to be kidding me," said senior Ross Shwarts, who had taken 10 AP tests. "How the hell am I going to get credit for an entire year of college now? I was planning on partying freshman year. College Board's mess-up is really disappointing."

Some students didn't particularly seem to care, although that fact itself is rather telling.

"Everyone said I was an idiot for leaving in the middle of the AP English Literature test," said Ben Debus. "Well who's the idiot now? You are. That's who."

On College Board's Facebook group, comments have been diverse from, "w00t go college bord [sic]" to "WHY DID I SIT THROUGH THIS CRAP FOR NO REASON?!!!" to "I don't care, I slept through most of them anyway," to even the disturbing status on Facebook that has become quite popular over the past day: "College Board canceled my AP scores. No college credit. 10 wasted hours. FML."

After receiving news of the College Board answer sheet fiasco, it is reported that administrator Ann McNutt locked herself in her room and refused to come out, although those reports have not been verified.

College Board replied to the school's repeated requests for comment, sending this e-mail to school press:

"What happened at your school was very unfortunate, we agree.

But it was also really funny. You guys just wasted hundreds of dollars and dozens of hours taking meaningless tests!!!! LOL!!11! I bet you feel stupid now, huh?!

Regards,
College Board

Click here if you no longer wish to receive e-mails from College Board. College Board does not hand out e-mail addresses to online solicitors, and e-mail addresses will solely be used for scholarship opportunities and mocking public schools."

Hillcrest Cyclone: As Popular As Congress

Here at the Cyclone we are, as you all know, political high rollers, as evidenced by our connections to the kingdom of DISD, the administration of Headmaster Shelton, Jeff's mom being in charge of every freaking senior activity and Erik's mom being treasurer for every freaking senior activity and our inside track with both Chairman Asay of the Youth Moral Superiority group and Voldemort. And, of course, our status as the number one subjective news source for all of Hillcrest, although the sports section of the Hurricane comes close on occasion. (Just kidding, Patrick.)

It doesn't hurt that we're rolling in the dough, either. So when Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson and myself were invited to a Democratic party function thanks to the esteemed Friend of the Cyclone Paul Stanley, we figured the Dems were a little strapped for cash and media coverage and could use our help, so we quickly accepted. (Plus it was better than studying for AP Government.)

When we got to the function, we were immediately impressed. This get-together was held at a mansion comparable to Hogwarts, and they had these chocolates that were completely baller. Like the good socialites we schmoozed with Sheriff Lupe Valdez and DA Craig Watkins, just in case we ever do anything illegal and actually get caught this time. We also peer pressured Cyclone guest writer Mattia Flabiano into making a college decision, but the real party started with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi showed up.

When we met her, she pretended like she didn't know us, probably so the other socialites didn't feel jealous of our mad skillz. She was impressed with our college choices - Harvard, Brown, Virginia, Michigan, and in particular, Missouri, which she noted "had good sports." We're assuming she was about to praise Mizzou's academic qualities as well, but someone else went and grabbed her after a group photo and we didn't see her again until she spoke to the group.



So she spoke, and afterward came straight over to us young dudes to talk to us about politics, life, and the like. (This part isn't even a lie!) We pressed her on her views of the Cyclone.

JEFF: So I imagine you could use some good media coverage.
PELOSI: Haha, the media is always very interesting. They've got a difficult job.
ERIK: And some do it better than others. Like us. You've heard of the Hillcrest Cyclone, I assume.
PELOSI: ...perhaps, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.
ERIK: No matter. We're more of an underground news source. However, we're still very successful, if you understand where I'm going.
PELOSI: ...
JEFF: What we're saying is that we've got money. And prestige. We can get you some good coverage, and donate to the party using some PACs and 527s, which we learned about in Government.
ERIK: All we're asking for is a personal endorsement of the Cyclone. We'd like to be congressionally approved.
PELOSI: Um, that's very nice, boys. You're very smart young men, it seems, and Brown is a good school. And Missouri has good sports. Oh, what about you? *points to Michael Hinojosa*
MICHAEL: Nancy Pelosi. My father has told me all about you, of course.

End conversation.

So, as you can tell, it's official: THE HILLCREST CYCLONE IS APPROVED BY CONGRESS.

Which probably isn't saying much at the moment, but suck it, other DISD underground satire blogs! SUCK IT.

---

More Photos of Us Schmoozing

Meet Chris Bayer

Mattia Flabiano reports.

Since Hillcrest’s introduction as one of the premier Wizarding institutions in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, it has been home to some unique creatures from around the globe.

“The Cyclone has uncovered various mythological beasts throughout the grounds of Hillcrest,” Cyclone co-founder Erik Severson said, “We’ve confirmed the presence of werewolves, babies, Swine Flu, super sayians, reincarnated presidents, and terrorists, all within the walls of HHS.”

But a recent discovery may trump them all.

Since his arrival at Hillcrest High School, students around campus have called the assistant football and baseball coach, Chris Bayer “peculiar”, “emotionless”, and “funny looking.” It wasn’t until the release of the worldwide blockbuster Star Trek, that people began to understand his true nature.

“Yes, I am a Vulcan.” Bayer revealed to the Cyclone after being assured this information would never reach the public.

This revelation shocked many students around the school, but not all.

“Of course he’s a Vulcan. I don’t think he’s ever smiled,” notorious trekkie Jessie Degani assured the Cyclone. “Mr. Bayer acts exactly like Commander Spock did in season 1, episode 16, when he had to save a group of stranded...”

(The Cyclone can only stand so much Star Trek talk before we lose the will to keep typing.)

“…is so cool, referencing the crossover episode with TNG that is Spock’s last chronological appearance before the new movie,” Degani finished.

Bayer has always aspired to something greater than grunt assistant work. This is why he has recently submitted an application for the assistant principal’s job at a local high school.

“Of course an assistant coach and an assistant principal are not the same thing,” Bayer replied in a monotone, emotionless voice. "Any other assumption would be... illogical."

Bayer’s disclosure of his non-human origin may put a dent in his resume.

“Father’s not very happy with Coach Bayer,” Michael Hinojosa told the Cyclone in an over-the-phone interview. “He’s reporting him to the school governors and the Ministry of Magic.”

Bayer isn’t too worried about the Minister’s reaction.

“I got a great rec from a friend of mine, Rudy Garza.” Bayer told us. All attempts to find this Rudy Garza have been thus far unsuccessful, leading several sources to suggest that Garza either doesn't exist or is in Azkaban.

The emergence of a new species into Hillcrest High School is surprising news to be sure, but the question remains, what else is out there and how long will it be before they are realized?

Hillcrest: boldly going where no school has gone before.

It's Friday Night/Saturday Morning

Truly an all time favorite. Hope Friday nights went well, and I hope they are possibly not over yet. In the case that they are, let Saturday treat you well.

Friday the 8th Live Blog

Today I brought my handy-dandy laptop to school. A run-down of life as a senior.

8:42- I arrive to school. I walk in the doors, and proceed to the metal detector. The “security guard” asks my friend whether she has pepper spray in her bag.

8:50- I stroll into AP English Literature with the hit-list writing Dr. McGaffey. I simply ask her what we are doing today, and she responds: Nothing. My heart flutters. Less than half of the class is here.

8:59- The internets at our school are not working. The fluttering ceases. I begin to watch Step Brothers.

9:37- Absolutely doing nothing. Why are we here.

9:45- First period ends to my delight.

9:50- Second period AP Statistics begins. 7 people are here. Seriously?



10:13- All of statistics has been spent playing Catchphrase. Boys vs. girls, the boys shall conquer all.

10:31- How the hell are we supposed to get antihistamine?

10:40- Second period ends.

10:45- Teacher is absent!

10:58- Mmmm Potbelly…

11:46- Back to school to see the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Baldridge. Once again more than half of the class has failed to show up. Baldridge tells us how much he hates us, and is trying to beat us up.

11:46- He didn’t say or do any of those things, I was kidding.

12:05- I have begun to iChat with Mr. Baldridge, as he sits 10 feet away. Class population= 6.



12:56- The creation of the Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement is almost complete. And that’s how I spent all of 4th period.

1:09- “I want to be the kind of grandpa where I am just kind of like a crazy old man. I want to be the guy who jumps off of the yacht into the water and says, ‘Come on in guys! The water just got a little warmer!’” -Mr. Baldridge

1:15- 4th period ends.

1:20- Newspaper begins. Coincidentally, so does nap time.

1:58- Counting the minutes until school ends. Having a little fun on Urban Dictionary. Notable words: duck butt, Lizzie McGuire, a few others as well

2:10- 5th ends, off to Calculus

2:13- Mrs. Lucy says she does not want to see us after we have taken our AP exam, so I follow her directions.

2:22- Home. Educational day is over.

2:44- Gotten a few good games of FIFA 09 in, and it’s time to head back to school for a little baseball. TGIMFF

2:50- Back to the Crest. What a Friday. Everyone have a magnificent weekend.

Uh Oh, We Talked About the Fight Club

Back in the day, Hillcrest used to be pretty tame. Sure, there was the occasional evacuation of the school due to multiple fights/riots/rap battles and the ensuing release of mace into the school's ventilation system, but what school doesn't have those occasional slip-ups? It's not like we were South Oak Cliff cage fighters.

But at Hillcrest we're all about constant progress, and occasionally linear regression into Neanderthal-like beings.

Confused? Lie down with an ice cold glass of tea (two sugars, none of that Splenda crap) and let the Cyclone educate you.

AP testing is tough. At the Cyclone we fully understand that. But while your honorable Cyclone narrators may engage in a Pokemon battle or write silly fake news articles to avoid studying blow off steam, other HHS kids have a new tactic: fighting.

According to occasionally reliable sources, there have been, like, 12 or 13 fights this week. And a stabbing.

Suck it, SOC!!!!!

"It's easily explained," said senior Jonathan Wilson. "As president of the Hillcrest Fight Club, we try to encourage positive reinforcement and a good way to vent frustration through our coordinated fights. Obviously, some of our members have taken that a bit too far, which is regrettable. Although I would like to mention that Fight Club members are 7-0-1 against non-FC members, with 4 KOs."



Other students have verified the Fight Club's record.

"I saw one fight where the FC dude just beat the crap out of this lame-o sophomore," said freshman Jesse Degani by phone from his seat in Mr. Baldridge's Environmental Science class. "The sophomore got some good licks in and the judges gave the FC fighter a split decision, but it should've been unanimous. His right jab was phenomenal."

The administration was less enthused about the recent fights.

"I just would like to encourage students not to beat each other silly," said Headmaster Shelton. (Future Headmaster Jones could not be reached at press time.) "And if you do have to beat each other silly, use those silly Roc'Em Soc'Em gloves. Not knives. I would really like to discourage knife usage. And no katanas, either, for anyone who saw Wolverine last Friday."

The fighting spirit has really taken root in the HHS population, though. A record 20 wizard duels are scheduled for tomorrow afternoon on the practice football field.

"My father has taught me some great spells," boasted valedictorian Michael Hinojosa. "I'd say my magic's just about on Dr. McGaffey's level by now."



(Full disclosure: Cyclone writer Jeff Wilke, aka Voldemort, will not be taking part in the dueling tomorrow, as he has tested positive for a banned substance known as HRX [commonly referred to as "horcruxes"].)

This is a developing story, and we will keep you updated. (Tips are appreciated. Email us or just comment.)

The Cyclone would like to remind students that fighting is against HHS policy, and that students could get seriously hurt, or worse - expelled.

UPDATE: Hillcrest Cyclone FUN-raiser

WE HAVE DONE IT!!!!! $90 has been raised through charitable donation, and you shall see a Hillcrest Cyclone advertisement in the final issue of the 2009 Hillcrest Hurricane.

Hillcrest Baseball Is Quite Fertile

In the wake of Major League Baseball's breaking news earlier today regarding Manny Ramirez, members of Hillcrest baseball have stepped forward and admitted their drug usage.

The drug being taken into account in both situations is hCG, or commonly known as human chorionic gonadotropin. hCG is a women's fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body's natural testosterone production.

"Yeah, I took hCG," said sophomore Spencer Klein. "SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE I DID STEROIDS OR ANYTHING!" Klein said as he threw a chair against the wall of the baseball locker room.

Klein is not the only Hillcrest Panther to admit usage of the drug. Junior Phillip Sartain has had his run-ins with hCG as well.

"Did I do hCG? Yes," Sartain said. "But I didn't use it for any steroid-related purposes at all."

I was befuddled, but the rest of the Hillcrest Panther baseball team denied further comment on the issue, although this might explain Paul Seitz's unnaturally cherub-like looks.

Lesson learned. Male athletes should probably stay away from women's fertility medicine. No suspensions have been handed down by the school or district as of yet.

Sorry for the lack of postage yesterday, Jeff W and I have recently finished a run of 4 AP tests in 4 days. Wait what's that smell? Oh, it's an FML.

Quote of the Day

"You know, I don't think I'm going to do this today."

-Senior Ben Debus after being handed the essay portion of the AP English Literature exam.

Hillcrest Cyclone is One Month Old

"I've been hit over 6300 times!"


Thank you for your continued support of The Cyclone.

HHS Holds First-Ever Good, Christian Prom

Hillcrest High School Promenade: '09 Edition was many things. Classy. Pimp-tight. Surprisingly clean for a warehouse. Awfully crazy, I wish I'd taped it.

Add "moral" to that list.

"I just am so pleased to announce that for the first time in the history of high school proms, a high school - Hillcrest itself! - has held a prom night during which no one got wasted!" enthused Hillcrest Youth Moral Superiority chairman Andrew Asay in a recent statement. (Here Asay giggles.) "And no one got laid!"

Unfortunately for the male population, at least one of those charges might hold true.

"Unwilling abstinence is still abstinence," Asay later clarified.

The veracity of Chairman Asay's claims is uncertain, although many seniors did comment on the unusual prom afterparties. While prom is usually famous for its fun-filled late-night activities of dubious (at best) legality, most parties this year seemed to focus on board games, watching parties of The Chronicles of Narnia and Passion of the Christ, and group Bible sessions.

"It was really uncomfortable for me personally and religiously," said senior Josh Fein, cofounder of the popular Facebook group, Jewish GANGSTAS! "Hey, do you want to hear a Jew joke?"

After avoiding one of Fein's infamous degrading jokes, the Cyclone returned to Chairman Asay for further comments.

"Really, I think we all needed to reaffirm our belief in God after those god-awful (pun intended) karaoke performances," Asay said. "I organized this so that people would know that there's hope at the end of the tunnel. So that people would know what college is like. College is one big youth Bible group study session. At least that's what I've been told."

Rumors abound that Young Atheist Club President Michael Hinojosa plans to sue HHS for violations of the establishment clause of the Constitution, but that could just be me showing off that knowledge I put to work today on the US Gov AP test.

Promenade Photoroll

These are the few a few classy pictures of The Cyclone in action.

Jeff W and I discussing this photo Cyclone matters with the Prime Minister of Papua New Guinea (not pictured).


What an unfortunate turn of events for Jeff. Swine Flu strikes again.


"His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." Matthew 28:3 (Archangel Kevin Latta pictured above)


Well, it's Monday. [expletive]